The Grimloch Tribune
By Callahan “Syruss” Marsden
LEAD STORY: LOCAL THUGS AGENTS UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR WHAT
IS BEING DEEMED ILLEGAL WIRE TAPPING.
Two of T.H.U.G.S (terrors, horrors, undead, and ghoul squad) bad boy officers (Sir Rohde and Priest Syruss) known for playing it fast and loose and dangerously close to the edge are under investigation this week after making a daring raid on known undead kngpin Jonny “The Post” Mortem.
The "dynamic duo" seized over 100 phylacteries, two demonic alters, staked 5 vampires, killed 20 zombies, and caused roughly 100,000 gold in property damages.
The duo had this to say:
Syruss (on the fight and local Necromancy Bust) “ That was NUTS!
Rohde “ I know right, We were all like Bam, and they were all like AHHHH stop kicking us!
Two of T.H.U.G.S (terrors, horrors, undead, and ghoul squad) bad boy officers (Sir Rohde and Priest Syruss) known for playing it fast and loose and dangerously close to the edge are under investigation this week after making a daring raid on known undead kngpin Jonny “The Post” Mortem.
The "dynamic duo" seized over 100 phylacteries, two demonic alters, staked 5 vampires, killed 20 zombies, and caused roughly 100,000 gold in property damages.
The duo had this to say:
Syruss (on the fight and local Necromancy Bust) “ That was NUTS!
Rohde “ I know right, We were all like Bam, and they were all like AHHHH stop kicking us!
Syruss:
Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Rohde:
It jumped up a notch.
Syruss:
It did, didn't it?
Rohde:
Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Syruss
I saw that! Rohde killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Rohde:
Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Syruss:
All in all a good Monday's work.
The two are being sued for 150,000 gold in damages as well as pain and suffering. The suit also calls for all charges to Mr. Mortem be dismissed since the duo did not go through proper channels for the “wiretapping" which was the evidence the two needed to enter Mr. Mortem’s home.
District Attorney Randolph was quoted on the matter:
The two are being sued for 150,000 gold in damages as well as pain and suffering. The suit also calls for all charges to Mr. Mortem be dismissed since the duo did not go through proper channels for the “wiretapping" which was the evidence the two needed to enter Mr. Mortem’s home.
District Attorney Randolph was quoted on the matter:
“The Prosecution is not
dropping any charges on Mr. Mortem at this time, he is blatantly in violation
of half a dozen Necromantic Crimes in the lands of Grimloch. Also I do
not think Mr. Mortems lawsuit will stand. The illegal “wiretapping” was nothing
more than a piece of string attached to two cans. There is clearly no wire
involved at all. Maybe they should re-file under illegal stringtapping."
XT from hit Fashion Line Extremely Grotty Teams up with Karmha’s Cremations?!?!?!
XT from hit Fashion Line Extremely Grotty Teams up with Karmha’s Cremations?!?!?!
Recently XT was looking at a way to make wrap pants more
durable as well as more sexy. He felt the “wickedly awesome letters” on the
knees were “SOooooo Yesterday” so he was looking for a way to make wrap pants
with easier access to his “sleek cheeks”.
Here is a brief explanation from XT:
Here is a brief explanation from XT:
“ The problem with wrap pants besides not being the
easiest things to put on is, after you already put them on when you have to go
to the bathroom YOU THEN HAVE TO TAKE THEM OFF!!!!!! All the strings, is that
my wrap pants or under pants strings? Who knows right? Well if more pants had
things like oh, I don’t know, BUTT FLAPS or something. Listen I am
not an expert on pants making only wearing and lettering them. That’s
why I went to Karmha.”
Upon arriving to Grimloch Karmha and XT got right to work on
the design. Soon after the two daring designers got interrupted by the very
obnoxious often-poorly timed Undead Plaguection. With Spear and shield at the
ready, and as four undead poured into the shop like water into a glass XT began
piercing the pustule pulseless punks. The first two strikes were precise and
deadly, going in and out of one undead's skull before entering the mouth and
exiting the back of the skull of undead number two.
Trouble arose when the next two rushed XT and fell chest
first onto his spear. **Splochked** was the sound the two made as they
staggered closer to XT driving the spear further through their torsos, Jaws
Chomping as the undead savored the meal to come. Thinking fast Karmha quickly
ran over and front thrust kicked both of the undead as hard as she could,
staggering them back to her forges fire. The undead topple over into the forges
fiery flames instant setting them ablaze.
She then walked over and grabbed her Fire Poker she uses to stir the embers of the forge.
Karmha quoted saying: “I generally do not discriminate my clientele based on weather or not they have a pulse. But you two zombies are just bad for business. See my point?” “See my point” is what she said before she thrust the poker through the faces of both undead.
XT exclaimed “ Karmha you are one savage seamstress, what are they teaching you at those Huntress Guild practices?”
Because of her Bravery Karmha was awarded the head of one the undead she killed; One of Grimloch's highest honors showing you are a true undead hunter.
She then walked over and grabbed her Fire Poker she uses to stir the embers of the forge.
Karmha quoted saying: “I generally do not discriminate my clientele based on weather or not they have a pulse. But you two zombies are just bad for business. See my point?” “See my point” is what she said before she thrust the poker through the faces of both undead.
XT exclaimed “ Karmha you are one savage seamstress, what are they teaching you at those Huntress Guild practices?”
Because of her Bravery Karmha was awarded the head of one the undead she killed; One of Grimloch's highest honors showing you are a true undead hunter.
Dear Rohodey. An advice Colum from our one and only super
sensitive super soldier the one the only Rohodey.
DEAR Rohodey: How do you explain to a man how
uncomfortable hot flashes are? I’m a perimenopausal woman who has been married
for 12 years to a sweet husband who loves to “snuggle.” But when I’m having a
hot flash, the last thing I want is a warm body touching me. My husband thinks
I’m “mean” and that I’m one of those “freaky females.”
How can I make him understand that hot flashes happen, and
that it should be OK for me to ask for some space until the feeling passes? – HOT
FLASH HILDA
Dear HOT FLASH:
Is this some kind of prank? Hot flashes, snuggling – as if
those are real things! That’s hilarious. It must be Messy. Messy, you’re
hilarious. How do you come up with this stuff?
Oh
T-Main My Dear…..Oh T-MAIN A DEER!
Local Grimloch Soldier was seen viciously victimizing baby Venison. Admiral T -Main of the SS Grim has always been known for his soft caring demeanor. In fact his charitable and loving nature is often felt everywhere he goes. So needless to say locals were shocked to see T- Main attempting to finish off a wounded baby dear.
Apparently T-Main wounded the deer early in the evening by striking it with his cart. The cart did not generate enough force to kill the deer as it scurried back into the woods. T-Main tracked down the wounded Deer and was prepared to bring home the “bacon…..um deer-acon” so to speak.
Local Grimloch Soldier was seen viciously victimizing baby Venison. Admiral T -Main of the SS Grim has always been known for his soft caring demeanor. In fact his charitable and loving nature is often felt everywhere he goes. So needless to say locals were shocked to see T- Main attempting to finish off a wounded baby dear.
Apparently T-Main wounded the deer early in the evening by striking it with his cart. The cart did not generate enough force to kill the deer as it scurried back into the woods. T-Main tracked down the wounded Deer and was prepared to bring home the “bacon…..um deer-acon” so to speak.
Unbeknownst to Admiral Main the young deer had lured
T-Main into to a bridge inhabited by a Troll. “You Suck” a voice
screamed. “What was that?” T-Mane replied. “You heard me you pathetic
man, you couldn’t even kill a baby deer, what did you steal that Grimloch
tabard hahahaha.”
After a barrage of insults T- Mane stormed off screaming. “I don’t have to take this from a bridge, in fact I am going to find something to burn this to the ground.”
It was later reported that the "voice" was in fact just Keela; T- Main's close friend seeing how mad she could make T-Mane.
Well that's it for this issue I am Theddy Quill reporting the facts, the whole facts, and nothing but the facts. Stay safe see you next week
After a barrage of insults T- Mane stormed off screaming. “I don’t have to take this from a bridge, in fact I am going to find something to burn this to the ground.”
It was later reported that the "voice" was in fact just Keela; T- Main's close friend seeing how mad she could make T-Mane.
Well that's it for this issue I am Theddy Quill reporting the facts, the whole facts, and nothing but the facts. Stay safe see you next week