Grimloch Tribune

The Grimloch Tribune

By Callahan “Syruss” Marsden

LEAD STORY: Grimloch’s Legendary Hidden Temple (a non canon comical story told by Theddy Quill)

Last Tuesday sources from Grimloch’s Archaeological Digest reported that two T.H.U.G.S (terrors, horrors, undead, and ghoul squad; Grimloch’s elite undead hunting task force) Unit agents (Sir Rohde and Priest Syruss) have made the archaeological find of the century. The "tenacious tag-team" happened upon the lost temple of Olmec.

“The discovery was an accident” reported Sir Rohde who claimed that the two were running for their lives from “Giant RED JAGUARS”.

“The Craziness did not stop there!” exclaimed Priest Syruss “When we thought we were done for we saw this strange lake where we knew we could lose these oversized house cats. But as soon as we jumped in the water these “”ROPE SWING TIRES”” shot out from the lake, and we needed to navigate in and out of them.

“Yeah it was nuts” Rohde chimed in.” We would have swam completely around them but these Blue Barracudas were trying to bite our bodacious buns off!” 

“Yeah and these stupid Orange Iguanas were trying to beat us to the temple!” Syruss said “It is a good thing they met their end to those ravenous fish! Otherwise we would have been lunch for those over sized minnows”

The two continued their rant about the strange wilderness and their findings.

“Just when we though it was bad enough” Rohde started to say.

“Yeah we were now tired and soaked” Syruss interrupted.

“We got to this platform where we could see the whole temple, including Olmec's statue-like head. Then we were stuck on this platform as all the ground around us started to heat up.” Rohde said in aggravated tone. “Then that f*cking Stone Head started to talk!!!!!!”

“Yeah he started asking us all kinds of weird Realms trivia” Syruss chimed in. “Lucky Rohde and I know a crap ton of useless stuff”

“And as if the questions were not hard enough” Rohde exclaimed!” We had these annoying Purple Parrots, stupid Green Monkey, and Nymbous for some reason yelling false answers at us trying to get us to mess up.”

“ Be that didn’t mess us up” exclaimed Rohde.

“Then that Sadistic Spooky Stone head Olmec made us do these weird challenges to get these magic pendants to gain access to the Temple.” Syruss complained “Stuff like balance a water bucket on your head and transfer water from the lake to a small fire.”

“Not to mention the fact that even more color coordinated carnivorous Jungle creatures were trying to mess us up; these Silver Snakes were trying to prevent us from getting these pendants.” Rohde chimed in “But because we are wicked awesome we beat the snot out of the snakes and got all the pendants.”

    The two went on to describe that next  Olmec wanted them to run through his temple maze completing weird obstacles in order to go from room to room. Their goal was this "Magic Headdress" located in the king’s storeroom.

“HOW YOU PROCEED TO EXPLORE THE TEMPLE IS UP TO YOU” Olmec Shouted.
“THE CHOICES ARE YOURS AND YOURS ALONE, NOW BEGIN”

Rohde was the first one to try the temple run but was captured and expelled but not before unlocking 4 out of the 5 zones, making Syruss run that much easier. All he had to do was get through the Shrine of the Silver Monkey room and he would have all the zones open and could easily grab the Headdress from the king's storeroom. After touching the headdress he would have less than a minute to exit the temple before it he was expelled from the temple and the temple reset itself.

Syruss was off to a great start running through each obstacle moving from room to room. Then hit came across the dreaded Shrine of the Silver Monkey, a dangerously difficult three-piece puzzle.  As soon as he grabbed the first piece a temple guard attacked, Syruss used the power of the pendant to remain in the room. Combination after combination, Syruss struggled to put the puzzle together. Each combination he tried to put the stupid head on first.

“I don’t know why but I was compelled to want to build it from the head down.” Syruss explained.

Rohde shouted to him “Don’t be a an idiot, go from the bottom up” and that was just the hint Syruss needed to complete the puzzle.

*BOOM* the final door was down; Syruss ran in got the headdress and sprinted for the exit. As the final seconds counted down and Syruss headed towards the exit, it seemed as if all was lost. With a daring final jump over the foaming pit and barrel rolling out of the exit Syruss managed to leave the temple with one second to spare.

“CONGRATULATIONS, BUT THE MAGIC HEADDRESS IS NOT YOUR PRIZE!” Olmec announced.

With that said the magic headdress disappeared from Syruss’s hands and returned to the king's storeroom.

But It was not all in vain,  Sir Rohde and Priest Syruss’s were accredited for the discovery of this bizarre temple; and Olmec gave them each a pair of Sketcher's brand Moccasins.

LOCAL Happenings: (a comical non cannon plug presented by Theddy Quill)

THE STOMPIN IN COMPTON: Are you a fan of Grimloch-Greco wrestling? Well the masterminds that brought you that grappling grudging greatness and the first BATTLE OF THE BAYOU is back. This Wednesday in Compton Grimloch, Grimloch Cage fighting is back and this time we are going five rounds for the light heavy-weight championship.

 Warlord Jaha is back in the trainer’s corner only this time he is training the original Wild Child T.H.U.G.S agent XT.

XT will face his greatest challenge yet in the indomitable Nacho.

Both competitors weighed in at 165lbs (12 stones) of pure wrecking machine. The  Tale Of The Tape lists both competitors at 6’1”, 165lbs,  with a 71inch reach (TOTALLY MADE UP STATS)

I spoke with challenger Nacho on his game plan.

Investigative reporter Theddy Quill: “Nacho your predictions for the fight?”

Nacho: “My prediction are there can be no predictions. With a competitor like XT anything could happen. Here is a striker who likes to give big hits and take big hits; he cares not for his own physical well being and even less of his opponents, this man only cares about giving the crowd a show.”

Investigative reporter Theddy:  “What is your game plan going into the match?”

Nacho: “My plan is simple hit him a bunch of times and get hit not a bunch of times, I am also dedicating this to my Wife Dame Twenaria wherever she is.”

A touching sentiment, good luck to both competitors.

WARMARKED FOR DESTRUCTION: (a dark humor piece presented by Syruss)

Loving and caring Warmarke Dr. Boom recently made great strides in eradicating the undead population of Grimloch.

In a small village outside of Westwood there was a band of undead. However these undead where not your garden-variety necromantic abominations, in the fact that they ATE FROM GARDENS!!!

That’s right a demented green-loving Necromancer took his knowledge in horticulture and necromancy and created the first ever Zombie vegetarians.

This Necromancer; who is being referred to by T.H.U.G.S agents as the Vegomancer, has been charged with practicing Necromantic Arts within Grimloch Borders.

Dr. Boom got the privilege of destroying all the seemingly peaceful undead. Dr. Boom was excited that his kill to death ratio got a huge boost as he haplessly harpooned the harmless horrors.

Dr. Boom had this to say.

“Besides Necromancy being ILLEGAL in Grimloch, those undead just where not bad ass enough to live or unlive within our borders."

Well that's it for this issue I am Theddy Quill reporting the facts, the whole facts, and nothing but the facts. Stay safe see you next week