I Can't Even Resolve!

I Can't Even...

 by Sara "Zarine" Jessop

...Resolutions

            Yule is over and it's time for people to start thinking about the new year and what they want out of it. There is something about changing that number and thinking that we can change ourselves with it. “New year, new me.” You haven't changed one iota over the last three hundred and sixty six days (yes, you squandered an extra day this year), but I'm sure this year will be different... Just kidding! I don't for one second think that you're going to turn over a new leaf just because it's January 1^st. Seriously, no one believes your ambitious resolutions, including you. Why do we make them? These empty promises that we have zero intentions of actually keeping? 

            Now, dear reader, I am not saying that you shouldn't try to better yourselves, on the contrary you really ought to, but perhaps you should try more obtainable goals. Below you will find a list of popular New Year's resolutions, why they are idiotic, and a more realistic resolution to make in it's stead.

            “I'm going to eat healthier.” This resolution is extremely easy to keep until one gets hungry. It's pretty painless to say your next meal is going to be a salad after you've gorged yourselves on greasy hors d'oeuvres all night (those are appetizers, for you plebs following along at home), but as soon as you get hungry again that salad is that last thing you are going to want. Besides, you can't make friends with salad, anyways. Instead, try cutting out one unhealthy food item from your diet and replace it with a healthier food that you enjoy. For example, every time you want ice cream, eat a banana instead!

            “I'm going to lose weight”. This resolution is usually tied in with eating healthier, which is why it almost always fails. Just settle on losing a few of the twenty pounds worth of pie and eggnog you've consumed since Nedengiving and move on. Maybe you should just resolve to stop gaining weight. Maintain for a bit before adding or subtracting. Math is overrated anyways.

            “I'm going to save money.” Just saying it doesn't mean that gold will magically rain from the sky. If you want to make more money your going to have to actually work harder. Well, I suppose I could suggest that you work smarter, but I said I was going to be realistic. Money saving tip: pick a manageable monetary amount each week and put it in savings. The key word there was manageable. It has to be an amount that you can live without. Eventually you will have a little nest egg to spend however you wish! Extra advice: Have something you are saving it for. I find that it helps to have a materialistic motivation.

            “I'm going to be more organized.” And I'm going to show less cleavage... It's never going to happen. Either you are an organized person or you are not. This type of goal is best achieved in small increments with more specific resolutions. Pick a small area of your home that is messy and decide to organize that one area today. After a few weeks try another area. Or reorganize the same area since you have undoubtedly failed at maintaining the first area.

            “I'm going to be on time.” Being more organized would help with that, but we've been over that. Some people are just late, all the time for everything. Try resolving to keep better records of dates and times.  Purchase some kind of calendar to keep track of important things like dental appointments and cheese parties. Check it daily. Eventually you will be on time because people will start telling you to be there an hour earlier than things start because you are never going to change.

            “I'm going to be a better person.” Ugh. I can't even with this one. First off, this is incredibly vague. Better at what? Being bad? Congratulations, you're already the best at that. Perhaps you should decide on a small part of yourself that you would like to change and work on that, maybe even enlist the help of your therapist. At least you'll have professional help nearby when you ultimately realize that self improvement is an effort in futility and you'll always be a worthless pleb.

            The only resolution that I make on New Years day is to remember to write the year correctly, which I then promptly fail at the first time I write it. I don't make New Year's resolutions for a few reasons. One being that I'm pretty perfect just the way that I am and don't need to alter myself in any significant way. And two being that if I realize that I need to change something I simply do it right then. Why wait for a day that someone arbitrarily decided was the start of a new year? You can decide to do things at any time during the year! Change now if you want to. Or don't. Really, no one cares.

            You made these same resolutions last year, and the year before that, and before that....Feels great to fail over and over again doesn't it? Let's do it again next year!

            See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, and has 35 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.