I Can't Even...
...Strange Words
I've noticed
something lately. Perhaps it's been happening for a long time and I had not yet
observed it as I don't tend to listen to your useless prattling. As you have
all begun to take my advice I have found that opening my ears to you has become
far less painful than in the past. However you all have such a strange way of
speaking and it must be contagious because sometimes I even catch myself spouting
the same ridiculous verbiage.
I suppose we
could call most of these words “slang”. Words that we have made up in place of
other, more proper words. Even the world itself sounds so distasteful. Slang.
Seriously, dear reader, say it a few times. Doesn't it begin to sound stranger
and stranger? We must rid our vocabulary of such vulgar displays of nonsense. I
have compiled a list of words and phrases which are either slang, used entirely
incorrectly, or just straight up utter rubbish that are constantly being
bandied about. Obviously there are more than the few listed, but my editor is a
real stickler for his time schedule, so you'll just have to settle for the ones
that annoy me the most.
Cars: What
even are those, you ask? Apparently they are some advanced form of
transportation. Like a carriage, but without the need for those pesky (and
smelly) horses. A horseless carriage, if you will, which is the appropriate
terminology. They move quite quickly, which is how we manage to get to events
in far off lands and then back home again all in one day. But why do we insist
on calling it a “car”? It's such a harsh and unimaginative word. If we are
making up words they ought to be fantastically extravagant like 'auto carriage'
or 'magimobile'.
The odd
names you use for your jobs: Why can't you just be honest. I don't go around
telling people that I am a masseuse do I? I mean, I do massage things, but I am
pretty sure that would still make me a liar. And the way you elaborate upon the
lie! It's like you actually believe that you really work in these boring, made
up professions when your actual occupations are so much more interesting. Who
wants to hear you talk about your imaginary job where you crunch numbers or
serve tacos when they could instead hear about your adventures as a member of
your national militia? Math versus bloody battles to the death? Only losers
would chose math. So you might want to keep that in your back pocket because
the Realms is full of those. But the people actually worth your time to talk to
want to hear about your real accomplishments in the real Realms. I talk about
mine all the time. “But Zarine, aren't you ashamed of what you do?” Goodness
no! Who would be ashamed of being a Doctor?
Calling out
people's character: So there is a phrase
that I apparently don't quite understand. “Staying in character.” I always
assumed that it was some kind of back handed attack on someone's actual
character. Like when you do something that's expected of your “type.” If I were
to say, be a complete bitch to someone, and someone said “stay in character”, I
would think they were saying “keep being a bitch, bitch.” Much like telling
someone to “stay classy.” it's not really a compliment. But whenever I get
uppity with someone for saying such a thing, I get “that's not what that
implys.” Well, by all means, enlighten me. What the bloody hell does it
portend? No one seems to know because
instead of explaining it to me when I ask they roll their eyes harder than I do
when someone else wins best dressed. Perhaps it's an inside joke. If so, I
don't wish to be part of whatever clique came up with it. Actually, I do,
because it's awesomely snarky, but only if they really mean what I still think
it means.
Television,
movies, and “Netflix”: I assume all of these things are similar, as they are
often interchanged casually in conversation. There are thousands if not
millions of different sub genres of the base topic. They reference stories
being told with some sort of illusion magic, like the living embodiment of books.
We all talk about them, but I've yet to have ever see any of them nor spoken to
anyone who has. So what are they and how do we know about them? Perhaps they
are simply shared vivid dreams. Or perhaps more powerful magics are involved.
Whatever it is, there is always someone, or a group of someones, who claim that
talk of these things “breaks their immersion”, whatever that means.
Which brings
me to the last one I have time for, breaking immersion: Another curious phrase
that seems to have some hidden meaning. To get to the bottom of this we first
have to look at what immersion is. My dear friend Miriam tells me that it is a state of being deeply engaged or involved; absorption.
Usually this phrase is uttered after other strange words, so perhaps it is simply
that even the simplest of plebs finds the massacre of the common tongue to be
distracting from whatever task they were performing. Yet it seems to be deeper
than that. It seems to bother people on a purely physiological level. Now, I am
not that type of doctor, but I know that if something preventable is bothering
someone the easiest treatment is to stop doing the thing! These cockamamie
expressions are clearly unhinging some of our ranks. So perhaps we should all
be a bit more considerate and use proper dialect. Being more aware of our
parlance is the very least we can do to help alleviate breaks in others
immersion in whatever was they were heretofore immersed in.
Too
long? Did not read?
Don't
be a twit.
See
you next Tuesday.
Zarine is the
proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner
of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving
her unsolicited opinion.