I Can't Even...
By,
Sara 'Zarine' Jessop
… put your money where my mouth is
Something disturbing had been brought to my attention recently. I have not spent too much time around public fire pits this year, so I have been unaware of some of the goings on but I had assumed the usual shenanigans were occurring. Drinking, dancing folk unaware of how much clothing they have removed, tone deaf people singing odd songs from foreign lands, people complaining about the musical leanings of the person in charge of the magical bardic device... But I never expected to hear of something so absolutely disgusting as people putting currency in their mouths.
I have had a lot of questionable things in my mouth, but never money. Seriously, as a medical professional I can tell you that the stuff is amazingly nasty. You should always wash your hands after handling any kind of currency, especially if the next thing you plan to do is eat. The foreign paper money that we commonly call 'greenbacks' seem to be especially contaminated. We really have no idea where that stuff is even from, never mind who has handled it. Fortunately there exists people who have studied this strange outlander currency and their findings are quite enough to make you want to wear gloves whenever you need to touch it.
“But Zarine, they told me the money had been laundered...” Oh, you poor, idiotic pleb. Money laundering has nothing to do with sanitation. It means, dear reader, that they have concealed the illicit origins of the money so that it seems that it was acquired though legal activities. Meaning that particular money is probably even dirtier than you think. A solid majority of greenbacks are contaminated by 'pharmaceutical' residues, and I am not talking about penicillin.
Speaking of penicillin, an estimated 94% of bills are contaminated with pathogens. What are pathogens, you ask? My dear friend Miriam defines it as “a bacterium, virus, or other microorganism that can cause disease”. Greenbacks are not actually made of paper, but rather 25% linen and 75% cotton, making them fairly absorbent. The influenza virus can be actively transported for up to seventeen days via currency. One researcher discovered roughly 3,000 types of organisms present, including bacteria linked to food poisoning, pneumonia, and staph infections. They can contain fecal matter. That's poop, for the folks in the back row. The antibiotic resistant Staphylococcus aureus, know as MRSA, can survive on it and cause life threatening blood infections. Each piece of currency contains an estimated 10 such microbes per square centimeter. Still want to put that in your mouth?
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| Wash your hands after touching money! |
I handle a lot of money. I also handle a lot of diseased things and bodily fluids (because I am a doctor you pervert). I handle a lot of things that have changed hands many times. I wash my hands thoroughly after touching any of those things. I wash my hands after using the rest room as do most people. It's estimated that currency contains more bacteria than a latrine. If I'm going to die prematurely it's going to be for something like being sarcastic at the wrong time, not because I stuck something in my mouth that gave me a terminal illness.
While dancing drunkenly around the fire, might I suggest having people put money in alternate places? If directly into your hand or coin pouch isn't sexy enough, perhaps your undergarments? It's still not exactly sanitary, but you do what you've got to do. You don't need to put anything suspect in your mouth to make a little money.
Speaking of this weird outlander currency, why accept it at all? Until this George Washington or Abraham Lincoln show up to back their currency it's worthless in our lands is it not? So you are risking contracting a nasty illness for literally nothing. Come on people, I'd like to think that you all have a little more self respect than that. I have patients that contacted illnesses for far better reasons that require my medical expertise, and I would far rather help them than someone who pulled a dollar out of somewhere questionable with their teeth.
Stay classy, Realms.
See you next Tuesday.
Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.