by Sara "Zarine" Jessop
Dear Madam Zarine,
There's someone I care about a lot that is in my group and I think it's probably mutual, but I'm worried that if I act on it anyway, if it works out or not, it will make things strange for our other friends. They dated someone who is also in the group, though that person rarely plays and shows up now they're still friends with everyone. I'm sure there's no perfect answer to all of this but what's the best way to minimize the damage that might be caused?
- Realms Romeo
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It's not often that people realize that their association with each other also affects folks outside of that relationship. All of our interactions have consequences on those close to us. Our communities are closely intertwined and can easily be disrupted by the relations of others. That being said, sometimes you need to do what is right for yourself. We have no way of knowing the future, other than through seer spells which tend to be vague and only understood after the events have come to pass, which quite frankly makes them rather useless in my opinion. All that we can do is ponder the effect that our choices might have in the here and now and hope that the future works out in the best interest of everyone.
Let me tell you about two wonderfully lovely people that I know... well, one of them is lovely, the other is a bit of a disgruntled old curmudgeon. Anyways, these two were going through life as very close friends. They used to jest about how they would make great second spouses to each other someday, as they knew their relationships with their current companions were doomed to failure. They knew their current relationships were tolerable if not great, their relationship with each other was good the way it was, and their friends all around them were happy with the way things were. Why shake up the status quo when it was working for so many other people? But eventually love finds a way, or so I am told by people with more of a romantic outlook on life than myself, and at long last they found themselves in a relationship with each other and you know what they discovered? That their friends and family were not only happy for them but that they had been waiting for them to come to their senses and get together for years.
The people around you are not blind. Oftentimes they can see what's right for us even before we see it for ourselves. All of their friends could see that they were meant for each other and most were willing to sail through some rougher waters for a few months while everything settled into place so that two people that they cared about could find happiness in another port. And the ones who weren't, well some were people who needed to be cut loose anyways, and others maybe just needed some time to come to their senses. But eventually the dust settled and everyone found comfort in the new status quo.
So what happens when those two inevitably break up? I have no idea. The two twits are still together somehow, defying everything I know about love and it's inescapable suffocation that slowly kills everyone involved until someone finally gasps for air and destroys the illusion. But I can tell you from the experience of watching it happen to many others that communication seems to work best. Your friends will take their queues on how to handle the situation from the two of you. It might be awkward for a bit on either end, but the more open and honest you are the more your friends will be put at ease about it and become more accepting. The same goes if you decide to end the relationship. Let them know how you plan to handle it and what you expect of them as your friends. If it's an amicable break up it will be much easier of course. If the two of you create a war zone, well don't be surprised when your friends take up arms and join the fray.
So, the real question is, how much do you love this person? Because there is a possibility that this will negatively impact others. And of course there is the possibility that it could ruin your friendship. Some say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I find that to be utter rubbish. It isn't always better. Every possible couple combination in the world has a different answer to the question 'is it worth it', and only you can decide that.
Of course, we still don't know if this mysterious other person even reciprocates your feelings, so step one would be figuring that out. If they don't, well then none of this even matters and you are worrying over nothing. If you wait too long they may assume you aren't interested and find someone else. Life is shorter than you think, so don't waste it worrying about 'what ifs'. We regret the things we didn't do far more than the things we did.
And when this all crashes down and you find yourself miserable and alone, come have a cup of tea with someone who knows all too well the cost of misplaced love. You can tell me about how terrible it all was while I wallow in the depths of someone else's misery for a while and reaffirm my own status quo.