HYSTERICAL RECREATION
by Kathy Horn (Sir Mahkta of the West)
Of brave knights and damsels you've read every book
On wizards and dragons you're totally hooked
You decide to give reenactment a look
To relive those old glories yourself
If medieval fantasy is what you seek
Get your character ready by the end of next week
Though our middle ages are rather unique
The Realms welcomes you
Death not withstanding, you'll never be bored
Learning new spells from a self-proclaimed lord
Sticking duct tape to the blade of your sword
It's hysterical recreation
Our social hierarchy is sealed and decreed
By whoever can threaten to make their foes bleed
Our noteworthy titles prolific indeed
We have denizens of every kind
Of full human parentage few of us boast
Of gentry and hybrids we have the most
With new countries popping up from coast to coast
And in your backyard
Chorus
So season to season you've tried more or less
To emulate codes of appropriate dress
You've taken your watch off but still you're a mess
Of rayon and Iycra and tape
And your tunic and spandex are worn as can be
You lace your suede moccasins up to your knee
And join in the fantasy fashion frenzy
You'll fit right in
Chorus
The foul monster army is crossing the field
You're standing your ground because heroes don't yield
You're armed to the hilt with a round plastic shield
And a blade as sharp as foam
You slay a gruff goblin with a green toothy face
You‘re slain by a bunny in leather and lace
They drag your dead body all over the place
As you start to rot
Chorus
So now you'll try magic, learn a spell or two
Your books, rope and trinkets hang all over you
You want to try out every trick you can do
To show off your components and skill
So you find a poor armless guy wandering around
You rush up and pick up some dirt off theground
Then sputter out syllables at the speed of sound
And it works somehow
Chorus
It's tournament day in the grey northern sleet
In raging fierce battles great warriors meet
They fire their bows using just teeth and feet
And wield fierce dinky weapons of doom
For this is the place you can test every skill
Where rope, foam and index cards muster a thrill
Where a small yellow duck is a reason to kill
So watch that flank
Chorus
So lace up your sneaker or lace up your boot
Come dwell where duct tape can solve a dispute
Where blue swords and roofing tins constitute loot
Where a peasant can joke with a queen
The Realms is waiting for you to explore
With dungeons and dragons and fairies and more
Our not so dark ages are yours to adore
So jump right in
Chorus x2
[Editor's note: originally published in The View From Valehaven, 2nd Ed., Vol. 3, Issue 2: March 2006. This submission was part of an ongoing series entitled "Kathy's Bardic Circle," in which the talented Kathy Horn, an exceptional bard, shared with the community some of her trove of Realms songs that she has preformed on various occasions throughout her Realms career.]