Mentoring is hard.
Combining the roles of teacher, friend, guardian and guide
is no easy task. Throwing a wrench into any of these roles can derail the
entire mentoring process, making for a frustrating experience for both mentor
and mentee. Mentoring never becomes easier and often just gets more difficult the
longer it continues. So you can imagine my surprise when I was not only
complimented on my mentoring ability (I'm the leader of Rua Thar Cinn), but
also asked to write an article about mentoring from a distance (since I
currently live in Pittsburgh). Having run Rua Thar Cinn for almost six years
(with almost four years in Pittsburgh), I think I have picked up a trick or two
which can help any mentor, but should prove especially useful to mentors who
are in the same boat as me (far away/not active). Before looking at solutions,
however, let's first identify some problems.
Why is
Mentoring Hard?
So why is mentoring hard? Like any other multifaceted role,
a hundred different small problems can occur, stack-up and become a problem
larger than the sum of its parts. For mentoring, these problems seem to
ultimately revolve around communication, closeness and continuity. So let's
take a moment to look at each of these:
Communication
Communication
I could write this word a hundred times, make each one ten
feet tall, with red blinking lights and I still do not think it would come
close to conveying how important I think communication is. Communication serves
as the foundation for all relationships (such as mentor/mentee), allowing
interactions to be built on top. Good communication leads to a rock solid
foundation, upon which any sort of interaction can be built and expected to
last. Poor communication, on the other hand, makes it harder to build
meaningful interactions, and those which are built will rarely last any
significant amount of time. There is no special consideration a mentor needs to
make for communication, but it's importance to the process cannot be stated
enough.
Closeness
When talking about closeness, I do not mean physical proximity
(although it can be helpful in mentoring), but rather how aware and involved a
mentor is socially with their mentee. Being close in some capacity can help by
providing context for a mentee's thoughts/actions, as well as strengthening the
bond with the mentor. Problems exist, however, for mentors who take this to one
extreme or the other. Being involved too much can lead to smothering/stifling,
possibly causing the mentee to act as "expected", rather than as they
would. Not being involved enough means the mentor may not have the context
required to appropriately help their mentee, as well as giving more
opportunities for the mentee to feel disconnected from the whole process. It's
important for any mentorship to find a balance in closeness, although this can
vary wildly depending on the mentor and mentee.
Continuity
In the Realms, we often talk about how continuity between
events and plots can create a richer, more fulfilling experience. With each
point added and line drawn, the Realms becomes less a simple game and more a
living, breathing world. While mentorships are not likely to take on a life of
their own, they can still greatly benefit from the structure and energy
continuity can bring. By defining and connecting moments (be it lessons,
quests, conversations or just a simple hello), a mentor can reinforce what’s
happened in the past and create excitement for what might be coming in the
future. Without this continuity, moments
can become disjointed and lack their intended impact. In addition, dead space between moments can
destroy any sort of momentum already created, making it hard for a mentorship
to move forward at a reasonable pace.
This does not mean every moment has to be linked to another, or that these
connections need to be made immediately, but continuity really has the power to
change something ordinary into something extraordinary.
How Can We
Make Mentoring Easier?
So far I have identified some big problems which can come up
when mentoring...now what? While I do
not have all the answers, I do know what’s worked for me to avoid/mitigate
these problems. These ideas were
designed to accommodate my long distance status, but they should work for
anyone (likely with minimal, if any, alterations).
Setup a Chatroom
Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, the Realms now has
more ways to stay connected than ever before.
A favorite of mine is Google Hangouts, specifically their Group Chat
feature. It is trivially easy to create
a common space for people to talk in real time, or even post messages to be
read later on. The other great feature
is the running history kept in the chatroom.
This makes it easy to remember what was being talked about, or catch up
after being gone for a week. These are
great features, even for one-on-one communication. Hangouts is a great tool
which addresses all the aforementioned problems in one fell swoop. And for those who may not want to use Google,
Skype also has all of these features.
Schedule Regular
Meetings
This may seem like a no-brainer, but this is surprisingly
difficult to do if it is not expressly thought of. How “regular” is defined should be up to the
individual mentorship (I would suggest at least once a month), but what is
important is the meeting happens. The
meeting does not have to be long or even have a specific goal attached to it,
but it should always happen. Ideally
this would be a time to discuss the mentorship (current goals and future
plans), but if there is nothing new to discuss, then talk about anything (the
last event, current projects, classes at school, etc). These meetings provide obvious opportunities
to improve communication, closeness and, of course, continuity. If you are like me and cannot meet physically,
then use one of the many video chat tools available online. My favorites are Hangouts and Skype, but many
options exist.
Plan Non-Mentoring
Activities
While the primary focus of a mentorship should be the
mentoring, it should not be the only focus.
Planning non-mentoring activities is a great chance to improve closeness,
but it can also just be fun. I’m a gamer
at heart, so I regularly schedule game nights online (easy to organize from a
distance), but this can be any activity (catching a movie, getting dinner,
making weapons, etc). It’s just a chance
to unwind and relax, without having to worry about anything else. As it’s said, “All work and no play makes for
a dull life,” but it can also create a dull, lifeless mentorship. Even if it is not regular, try to fit in
whatever activities you can when time allows.
It will make any mentorship go much further, as well as providing an
emotional de-stressor for both the mentor and mentee.
I think this wraps up my main thoughts. There are, of course, other problems we could
address and other solutions we could dive in to, but I think this serves as a
great start to anyone looking to mentor or to anyone mentoring right now. If nothing else, the most important takeaway
I can give you is this:
No matter what happens, no matter where you are, no matter
how active you are, you can still mentor as long as you try. It’s hard and sometimes seemingly impossible,
but it’s always worth it in the end.
Good luck!