Ask Syrus: Valentine's Day Edition

by Cal "Syruss" O'Leary

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Duke Sir Syruss is a seasoned adventurer with over 10 years of experience slaughtering undead, charming the ladies, beating up bad guys, frustrating the good guys, and grossing out ladies. SO, if you have a question no matter how bizarre, weird or funny (the funnier the better, then we can sell more issues of the View), consider asking the man who loves to tell you how to live your life; even though no one tells you how to live your life!    

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Dear Syruss,

With the holiday of love fast approaching, I wanted to try to up my game this year. Since you are so smooth yet so sassy, I was wondering if you had any tips for the rest of us mere mortals on how to impress a significant other this year (or potential significant other!) Advice for all genders and species is appreciated!

Sincerely,

Looking for love


Hey there Looking for Love in All the Right Places,

I get it, Cupid and his cousin Aros are out and about causing trouble in hearts and loins across the Realms. Making all your hearts swoon for those you may have only admired from afar at this point.
They are making you loins go crazy and with that, you too are going a bit crazy. It is a real issue when they mess with Rhiassa loins, lion loins there I just wanted to write that.....

But speaking of Rhiassa, a while back at a Cecil's Taliea Gathalion and I started a book of pick up lines that are sure to do the trick we called "You used line _____ It was super effective!!!" There are all kinds of tips and tricks on how to approach.

The following is what we call the Do’s and Don'ts of Devine Debonair Dating Druids:

DON'T tell them to cheer up

The quickest way to direct a dialogue downhill is with a command. So saying “Cheer up!” or “Give us a smile!" is not the best way to go.  Nope, save your commands for troops on the battlefield.

DO spark a dialogue

By the time you cast a ritual to give you the nerve to approach someone you like, you may panic and say the first thing that comes to your noggin: “So… What are you doing?”

BLAH, right? Let me tell you that more often than not it's not clumsy questions but rather your personality and character that will pique your crush’s interest.

“The fighting here is great. I come in every morning on my way to the citadel to slay orcs. Do you work in the area?” 

When they have told you that they work right next door and/or wants to have your babies, give them your opinion right back. This is called a conversation.

“Pffft, that’s just common sense, Syruss,” you may scoff, but trust me: it's an art that seems lost on a lot of people especially when you are trying to warm up to that new Hot Sorcerer.

DON'T invade their personal space

Dear random adventurer, I don't know where your hand has been - in a dragon, searching a laboratory, or searching a scalped goo  - it is gross, but I do know where you want to put it. If you touch my hair or bum I will break your arm. Kindest regards.

DO pay them subtle compliments

If you're Elvish, you're allowed to talk about the weather ONCE and only if you're leading somewhere with it. I'll condone one weather mention if accompanied by looking out the window contemplatively and sighing, “Dark One, the weather is awful. You look tanned though, have you just come back from holiday?”

 I don't mind assumptions, either. For example:

“You look like you have a creative job, do you work on the Neden Kazoo or the View?” If you're wrong, they'll be flattered that you called them creative. If you're right, they will most likely engage you in a nice conversation on the topic.

DO read the situation

If they’re a reading a book, dashing down the street or they’re fighting a dragon, they’re busy. Some adventurer sidled up last week when I was neck-deep in a fight with a gargoyle and they were sweating espresso with “Gosh, is that guy tough?” *Insert snorty chuckle* “Yes, actually.” “Oh. Right. I'll leave you to it then.” End of (thrilling) conversation.

Make sure you're timing each situation correctly.

DO be confident

A confident hero is not a self-obsessed one. They just know themselves well enough to be open to considering others. They don't concentrate on questions, creating a one-sided conversation that puts the onus on their crush  to “entertain” them. Instead, they make a statement that sparks a conversation. People/Elves/ Dwarfs/and Creatures can sense it if you aren't fully “present” or if your bravado is formed of poorly managed insecurity. So be yourself but do with self-assurance.

DON'T let one rejection ruin your confidence

You can spend hours analyzing the where’s and how’s of talking to people but the one “trick” that will dramatically increase the odds of you having a relationship of any kind with a particular person is talking to them. But if that doesn’t work get back out there and chat up someone new. Plenty more fish in the sea, as they say. Just don't catch crabs.

DON’T use cheesy lines

I would rule out “pick up lines” completely for the most part. There isn't one magical sentence that holds the key to unlocking romance. Not even “Dayum Elf, are you my dead grandmother? Because I never hear from you”  which has been used on me….twice… Just stick to normal conversation that makes people feel comfortable.

HOWEVER, IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE PICK UP LINES well then Taliea and I have come up with some doozies that will either get you scalped or get you that date you were looking for:

“I have a quiver full of arrows and this is your shot at love!”

“I am like a marn, I can equip both ways.”

“Are you a Shaman because I really want to merge with you.”

“ I see we are both learning sorcery, how about we get familiar?”

“ I know our first encounter may not have been memorable, but luckily I am a Seer because you get a Second Chance….At love!”

“ Are you an Alchemist Orc? Because you don’t need a love potion to get with this.”

“Woah easy, there is no need to call Divine Aid - I am already here.”

“You must be the best Seer in the world because you don’t need a find the path to find your way to my heart.”

“Are you enchanting your blade or are you just happy to see me?”

“You must be a phylactery because you have my mind body and soul.”

“Is that an Ashenmark Pike, because it is bigger than I thought!”

“You don’t need to go on a quest to find my heart.”

“Are you sure you’re an abjurer? Because I don’t think you can resist my magic.”

“Are you a blacksmith because you are reforging my broken heart.”

“I can be your cantrip baby, I am anything you might need.”

“Want to go to fight practice together because I would love to hit that!”

Wow, that was a lot of pickup lines Taliea!!!!!!

Anyway guys, love is magic, it is unexpected and can happen at any moment for no reason so be on the lookout for something special.

 It is like this story Nymbous once told me about pouring candy hearts into a Volcano, he said:
“As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one world was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: The Realms. So all over the Realms couples stood together in joy and that is the magic of love” –Lord Nymbous O”Leary

I hope this helps, I am sorry if it doesn’t-

Till next time loyal readers!

Duke Sir Syruss O’Leary

Knight of the Potentium

Knight of the Blue Rose
Love Guru
Realms Greatest Detective

Oh, if that advice didn't help you can try giving one of me and Taliea’s Valentine Day Cards a try: