Friday, October 5, 2012

Grimloch Tribune

The Grimloch Tribune
By Callahan “Syruss” Marsden
 
 
LEAD STORY: Ninja’s, Pirates, and Hump House O my! (a comical story told by Theddy Quill)

Last Thursday sources from our T.H.U.G.S (terrors, horrors, undead, and ghoul squad; Grimloch’s elite undead hunting task force) Unit reported that two of its own were filing assault reports from an unknown assailant.
It was reported that last Thursday at approximately 9:45pm, two of the T.H.U.G.S agents Sir Rohde and Priest Syruss were seen entering their Unit headquarters with what appeared to be a series of bruises and small abrasions all over their face and arms.

Now anyone who knows the terrifyingly terrific tag team (terrifyingly terrific tag team is copyrighted under COOL THINGS ROHDE says corporation) knows they are not to be trifled with. So who would be so bold as to attack the brutally badass best buds?

Well an eyewitness (who whishes to keep their anonymity due to relation to the duo) states that Syruss reported as follows:

At approximately 9:45pm, while counting the Hump House’s Bar till for the day with partner Rohde a cloud of thick smoke appeared; impeding vision and making it generally hard to breathe.
At approximately 9:46pm, the dust cleared and standing on the table in front of the duo was an unknown assailant.
The assailant stood at roughly 5’4”, was wearing all black apparel, and their face was covered from eyebrows to the back of the head and from the tip of the nose; covering all around the face and neck  only showing a small portion of the skin around the eye area.
Syruss stated that his eyes were “yellow and skin was pale white almost  blue it was so white”.

Here is what was said on the attack, as reported by Sir Rohde:
 

After the smoke cleared the assailant kicked Syruss right in the face, toppling him over backwards.  Then I (Rohde of Grimloch) lifted the table send it flying backwards and sending the attacker skywards. The attacker however was in full control of the toss, flipping backwards until he landed on his feet.
(Syruss’s interrupts and tells what happens next)
Rohde then went after the hostile swinging his fist fiercely, if not a bit wildly at the attacker. Blow after blow, swing after swing just missed and "whiffed" the shady unknown man. He seemed to nimbly dodge each blow effortlessly, Rohde was missing the mans face by about 3’11”.

Rohde was reported stating that “If I had some swords I would have f#cked him up!”

After the trespassing terror had enough of Rohde’s attacks he jumped in the air, it seemed like he just floated in the sky much the same way that some sort of crane like bird would, before booting Sir Rohde square in his mug sending him hurdling backwards crashing down through bottles of glass behind the bar.
 
But then without warning an arrow flew by the awful attackers face, then three more; he quickly and narrowly avoided all of them. Syruss was wildly drawing arrows from his quiver, and firing with what would normally be pinpoint accuracy; shot after shot trying to close the gap.  As he drew the last arrow full draw he was a mere eight feet away from the menacing man.  He let loose with the arrow, sure that he would finally put down the Terror ; “whoosh” and snatch went the arrow as the awesomely awful attacker caught the arrow inches before his nose with only two fingers.
“Whoosh”  the arrow went as he sent it back flying into Syruss shoulder.

‘‘Ahhhhhhhhh shit ” Syruss Screamed he picked up a chair and threw it angrily at the attacker, who with slow-mo like movement bent back wards as the chair flew right over him.

As the dangerous décor was flying Rohde pulled himself together, stood up and leaned over the counter. His face was riddled with broken shards of glass, small abrasions all over the face were bleeding quite well and made it hard to see. “WHAM!!!” went the chair right into Rohde’s face as he was just starting to catch his breath.
“Dammit my bad!” Syruss screamed. As ninja star after ninja star was being hurdled into Syruss'  arm as he protected his face. “Not in the face! Not in the face!  That’s the money maker!” Syruss Pleaded.

Just then the doors to the Hump House swung open and two figures stepped in. It was Admiral Spyder and Captain Tommy Two Dice from the Corsican Venture Company (treasure acquisitionists and general good sea-faring fellas)

“You guys open?” Tommy inquired.
“This is the place you said was the best in town?” Spyder
“Hey this place is great, they always have the best ladies, drinks, and besides I get like double all my spells in Grimloch so if we run into trouble again like that time in Sing-a-more Islands.” Tommy Replied
“You were the one off key” But before Spyder could finish that sentence. The Unknown Nightmare turned his attention off of punching Syruss in the face to the gruesome twosome in the doorway.
 
“PIRATES…..FLESH IS BEST!!!!!!!!” He screamed and then gave chase.

“HOLY SH@T” they both collectively screamed as ninja stars where being thrown there way. The two quickly about-faced and took off running into the night.

Right now the T.H.U.G.S units are on the look out and have already post APB for one gentleman about 5’4” with yellow eyes and pale skin.
Any information that could lead to the capture of this man will be met with a reward. Anyone with information is urged to contact Warlord Jaha Commissioner of the T.H.U.G.S unit.
 
LOCAL BUISNESS: Grim Gear is Going GREAT!!!!! (a serious business plug presented by GRIMLOCH TRIBUNE STAFF)

Hey there locals and travelers, by now you must have seen all the fancy and deadly weapons coming out of Grimloch. Whether you are a shield fighter or prefer large great weapons, or perhaps you wield a shady dagger we here at Grim Gear have something for you.
Our blades are completely customizable, do you want that old tried and true ore (I believe the Dwarfs call it ducktape!?!?!) or perhaps the new Ore that Grimloch is mining (I hear it is a light as cloth) a hilt or a straight blade, cross guard or maybe you want a mace or axe instead of a sword altogether. What ever the case we have what you need, or at the very least can MAKE IT!

Weapons are not our only forte, Sir Guilliam has been producing some of the finest armor these lands have ever seen and now he is opening that talent to you the paying public.
There is also rumors of Garb coming to the Grim Gear shop
These tried and true (extra light) weapons have been guiding Grimloch to victory for years (Maybe all the practicing also has something to do with it who knows, I’m not a mind reader; that’s Dell.)    
 
So how about you even the odds with some of our excellent weaponry.
 
We are available for custom commissions, and all prices can be negotiated please Seek out Sir Guilliam or Sir Shandar in Grimloch they can also be reached by elven magic through this Seer’s Stone called Face-Scroll!  (https://www.facebook.com/groups/323585694328616/)
 
DEAR ROHODEY a Kind and Gentle Advice Column featuring your favorite caring man himself Sir Rohde.
 
DEAR Rohodey: How important are a dying person's last wishes?

My dad died recently and said that he wanted to be taxidermied.
 If his estate -- or his current wife -- can't afford to comply with his request, would it be horrible to do something else?
In today's economy most seniors don't have any extra income. To follow Dad's final wishes would take a sizable chunk of his estate. His wife feels it's not important to follow his last wishes because of the cost, but it really bothers me.
I feel like she is just pining for more inheritance. Also I think it would be cool to still be able to hang out with my dad.


What do you think?
e-STRANGE-d Son
 
Strange Son,
     I think hanging out with dead people is freaking creepy, you have issues son. I mean if you want to fulfill his wishes I'd use him as a scarerow or something, keep that man out of the house, IT IS NOT A CONVERSATION STARTER! What will you say to the biddies you bring home? "Do you mind if my dad watches?" You want my advice? bury the old man, make the money grabber have an "accident" and come spend the inheritance at the Hump House, we got all the dead things you could want there you sick freak.
        Sincerely,
     Rohodey
 
 
Well that's it for this issue I am Theddy Quill reporting the facts, the whole facts, and nothing but the facts. Stay safe see you next week

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