by Cal "Syruss" O'Leary
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Duke
Sir Syruss is a seasoned adventurer with over 10 years of experience
slaughtering undead, charming the ladies, beating up bad guys, frustrating the
good guys, and grossing out ladies. SO, if you have a question no matter
how bizarre, weird or funny (the funnier the better, then we can sell more
issues of the View), consider asking the man who loves to tell you how to live
your life; even though no one tells you how to live your life!
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Dear Syruss,
With the holiday of love fast approaching, I wanted to try to up my game this
year. Since you are so smooth yet so sassy, I was wondering if you had any tips
for the rest of us mere mortals on how to impress a significant other this
year (or potential significant other!) Advice for all genders and species is
appreciated!
Sincerely,
Looking for love
Hey there Looking for Love in All the Right Places,
I get it, Cupid and his cousin Aros
are out and about causing trouble in hearts and loins across the Realms. Making
all your hearts swoon for those you may have only admired from afar at this
point.
They are making you loins go crazy and with that, you too are going a
bit crazy. It is a real issue when they mess with Rhiassa loins, lion loins
there I just wanted to write that.....
But speaking of Rhiassa, a while back at a
Cecil's Taliea Gathalion and I started a book of pick up
lines that are sure to do the trick we called "You used line _____ It was
super effective!!!" There are all kinds of tips and tricks on how to approach.
The following is what we call the Do’s and Don'ts of Devine Debonair Dating
Druids:
DON'T tell them to cheer
up
The
quickest way to direct a dialogue downhill is with a command. So saying “Cheer
up!” or “Give us a smile!" is not the best way to go. Nope, save your commands
for troops on the battlefield.
DO spark a dialogue
By
the time you cast a ritual to give you the nerve to approach someone you like,
you may panic and say the first thing that comes to your noggin: “So… What are
you doing?”
BLAH, right? Let me tell you that more often than not it's not clumsy questions
but rather your personality and character that will pique your crush’s
interest.
“The fighting here is great. I come in every morning on my way to the citadel
to slay orcs. Do you work in the area?”
When they have told you that they work right next door and/or wants to have
your babies, give them your opinion right back. This is called a
conversation.
“Pffft, that’s just common sense, Syruss,” you may scoff, but trust me: it's an
art that seems lost on a lot of people especially when you are trying to warm
up to that new Hot Sorcerer.
DON'T invade their
personal space
Dear
random adventurer, I don't know where your hand has been - in a dragon, searching
a laboratory, or searching a scalped goo - it is gross, but I do know where you
want to put it. If you touch my hair or bum I will break your arm. Kindest
regards.
DO pay them subtle compliments
If
you're Elvish, you're allowed to talk about the weather ONCE and only if you're
leading somewhere with it. I'll condone one weather mention if accompanied by
looking out the window contemplatively and sighing, “Dark One, the weather is
awful. You look tanned though, have you just come back from holiday?”
I
don't mind assumptions, either. For example:
“You
look like you have a creative job, do you work on the Neden Kazoo or the
View?” If you're wrong, they'll be flattered that you called them creative. If you're
right, they will most likely engage you in a nice conversation on the topic.
DO read the situation
If
they’re a reading a book, dashing down the street or they’re fighting a dragon,
they’re busy. Some adventurer sidled up last week when I was neck-deep in a
fight with a gargoyle and they were sweating espresso with “Gosh, is that
guy tough?” *Insert snorty chuckle* “Yes, actually.” “Oh. Right. I'll
leave you to it then.” End of (thrilling) conversation.
Make sure you're timing each situation correctly.
DO be confident
A
confident hero is not a self-obsessed one. They just know themselves well
enough to be open to considering others. They don't concentrate on questions,
creating a one-sided conversation that puts the onus on their crush
to “entertain” them. Instead, they make a statement that sparks a
conversation. People/Elves/ Dwarfs/and Creatures can sense it if you aren't
fully “present” or if your bravado is formed of poorly managed insecurity. So
be yourself but do with self-assurance.
DON'T let one rejection ruin your confidence
You
can spend hours analyzing the where’s and how’s of talking to people but the one
“trick” that will dramatically increase the odds of you having a relationship
of any kind with a particular person is talking to them. But if that doesn’t
work get back out there and chat up someone new. Plenty more fish in the sea,
as they say. Just don't catch crabs.
DON’T use cheesy lines
I would
rule out “pick up lines” completely for the most part. There isn't one magical
sentence that holds the key to unlocking romance. Not even “Dayum Elf, are you
my dead grandmother? Because I never hear from you” which has been used
on me….twice… Just stick to normal conversation that makes people
feel comfortable.
HOWEVER, IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE PICK UP LINES well
then Taliea and I have come up with some doozies that will either get you
scalped or get you that date you were looking for:
“I
have a quiver full of arrows and this is your shot at love!”
“I
am like a marn, I can equip both ways.”
“Are you a Shaman because I really want to merge with
you.”
“ I see we are both learning sorcery, how about we get
familiar?”
“ I know our first encounter may not have been memorable,
but luckily I am a Seer because you get a Second Chance….At love!”
“ Are you an Alchemist Orc? Because you don’t need a love
potion to get with this.”
“Woah easy, there is no need to call Divine Aid - I am
already here.”
“You must be the best Seer in the world because you don’t
need a find the path to find your way to my heart.”
“Are you enchanting your blade or are you just happy to
see me?”
“You must be a phylactery because you have my mind body
and soul.”
“Is that an Ashenmark Pike, because it is bigger than I
thought!”
“You don’t need to go on a quest to find my heart.”
“Are you sure you’re an abjurer? Because I don’t think
you can resist my magic.”
“Are you a blacksmith because you are reforging my broken
heart.”
“I can be your cantrip baby, I am anything you might
need.”
“Want to go to fight practice together because I would
love to hit that!”
Wow, that was a lot of pickup
lines Taliea!!!!!!
Anyway guys, love is magic, it is unexpected and can happen at any
moment for no reason so be on the lookout for something
special.
It is like this story Nymbous once told me about pouring candy hearts
into a Volcano, he said:
“As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing
happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread
across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster
planets and a cowboy world. But one world was exactly the right distance to see
the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: The Realms. So all over the
Realms couples stood together in joy and that is the magic of love” –Lord
Nymbous O”Leary
I hope this helps, I am sorry if it doesn’t-
Till next time loyal readers!
Duke Sir Syruss O’Leary
Knight of the Potentium
Knight of the Blue Rose
Love Guru
Realms Greatest Detective
Oh, if that advice didn't help you can try giving one of me
and Taliea’s Valentine Day Cards a try: