I Can't Even...
...The Art of Gift
Giving
It's the
most wonderful time of the year. Snow is falling out my window, and Yule is
fast approaching. Soon, we will all gather together at Cecil's Yuletide Tavern
(which is a way better title than whatever he's calling it this year. Why do we
let Kings name things?) where we shall socialize in all our fancy finery,
exchange fabulous gifts, sing carols, give money to charity in hopes of winning
sub par prizes, and learn who among us can't handle their liquor. Since I have
already covered public drunkenness and fancy dress, this week I would like to
focus on something a little bit different; gift giving.
Dear reader,
selection of the perfect gift and the presentation thereof is quite more
important than you might imagine. A gift conveys to the recipient how you feel
about them and how much thought and effort you are willing to put into their
happiness or misery.
Oh it hath, it hath. |
Gift
exchanges such as is coming up at the Crazy Tavern can be a bit difficult since
sometimes you don't know the person to whom you are gifting. But not being well
acquainted with some rando doesn't mean that you can't put some thought into
their gift. A completely thoughtless gift is the worst. It says that you feel
nothing at all for the person, as if they have no effect on your life in any
way and nothing about their existence touches you at all. And we all want to
touch someone. Some of us make a living out of it in fact. Fortunately, Father
Yule's little helpers make this much simpler by having the participants in the
exchange fill out a simple questionnaire.
Still
confused? I'm not surprised. The fact that you all continue to read an article
week after week that is nothing but an outlet for the author to tell you all
what worthless plebs you are tells me a lot about your cognitive reasoning
skills. Since I myself despise getting a lackluster gift, allow me to give you
some advice to avoid being a yuletide let-down, and in the process perhaps
everyone will have a more Merry Yule because their gifts won't be quite so
terrible.
Was there any doubt? |
The first
thing you will want to do is actually look over the questionnaire that your
exchange partner has filled out. And I don't mean barely read it so that only
one things stuck in your head and it ended up being the thing they said that
they are allergic to. No one wants the gift of anaphylaxis. No one. Of course
if you truly despise the person, poisoning them would show them how you feel I
suppose, and at least it wouldn't be thoughtless.
A gift
should reflect the tenor of the event at which it is being exchanged. Our yule
celebration tends to fall somewhere in the middle between “low born filth” and
“wicked classy” on the fanciness scale. This means that your gift should be
moderately priced and at least a few minutes of thought put into it. It should
be something mildly serious, but don't rule out something slightly comical as
well. Alcoholic beverages go well with this event, though make sure that it is
something the recipient will actually enjoy.
If you know
the giftee quite well, the gift can be as personal as you like. Just be careful
with being too personal and creating an awkward situation where you need to
explain how you “just want to be friends”. If you don't know the person well,
consult their questionnaire, and ask around. Presumably they have at least a
small group of friends who might give you some insight into what they might
like. And if no one wants to admit to being friends with them, perhaps you
should give them some deodorant, an invitation to a night on the town where
they might meet people, or a personality.
“Zarine, I
can't afford a nice gift, what do I do?” Don't worry, dear reader, there are
all sorts of gifts that you can give on a small budget. And they don't all have
to be terrible. Homemade gifts can be fine, as long as it is something the
beneficiary will actually enjoy and it doesn't look like a five year old made
it. An appropriate amount of time should go into it's construction. Re-gifting
is also an option, again as long as it is something enjoyable to the recipient
and you haven't already used it. Contrary to to what some may think, it does
not simply mean “used gift.” If you have something in new condition that they would
like, go ahead and re-gift it, just make sure you remember who gave it to you
and don't give it back to them. There is nothing tackier than giving someone
their own gift.
Ya know, on a budget |
A gift need
not be a physical object. Experiences make great gifts, especially for people
who are difficult to buy for and/or already have everything. They can also be a
great budget gift depending on the experience. Bring them somewhere fun. Invite
them to dinner. Offer to transport them somewhere they may wish to go if they
normally lack transportation. Offer them a custom commission if you are an
artist type. Maybe compose a song if you are of the musical persuasion. Just
make sure to also give them something that they can open that compliments the
experience.
Presentation
of the gift is also important. A beautiful container will up the perceived
value of the gift. So even if it's cheap garbage, you might be able to trick
them into thinking it's slightly more moderately priced garbage. Do not hand it
to them in the bag it came in. it's tacky. Some merchants offer free gift
wrapping with purchase. Even if they
charge a bit for it, if you suck at wrapping take them up on it. Always give a
card. Cards make the gift more personal. You could even write a sweet little
note inside that says something like “I saw this and thought of you,” or “I
can't stand your nasty face, I hope you die.” Whatever strikes your fancy!
Gifts to
avoid? Home made coupon books. This is just a cop out. You know that no one is
ever going to take you up on your “free 5 minute foot massage”, so just buy a
real gift. Money or gift cards. Unless it's for a million gold, or the person
your buying for is struggling financially and they really do need it, it's just
a thoughtless gift that says “I'm lazy, buy your own damn gift.” Gifts that are
far beyond the recipients price range.
When exchanging gifts, it should be a relatively equal exchange of value. If
you give something worth a hundred gold, and they could only afford five gold,
they are just going to feel bad. Gifts are supposed to make people feel good.
I myself did
not participate in the gift swap this year, as I was once again fashionably
late when deciding if I could attend. That doesn't mean that you can't give me
gifts of course, just that you won't have a fancy guide to follow and I won't
be reciprocating. But I promise to act like I enjoy it, for you see, as the
recipient of a gift you also have a responsibility. However terrible the gift
is, you still must thank the giver in the most sincere way that you can muster.
It's always best to assume that they put a lot of work into choosing it, even
if it seems that they didn't. Don't make them feel bad. I can't believe I just
said that, in fact I think I vomited a bit in my mouth as I wrote it, much like
you will likely do when you open your gift in a few weeks. But I'll give you
the same advice I give to my girls; swallow, smile, and pretend you enjoy it.
See you next
Tuesday.