I Can't Even...
… Etiquette, Winter Version
Ah, winter.
That wonderful time of year when we all hibernate in our homes, sipping hot
pepperminty drinks and eating obscene amounts of delicious food that we will
frantically try to lose the evidence of come spring. It's generally a quiet
time of year. The social whirl dies down in favor of alone time and self
reflection, and with that comes inevitable boredom.
Dear reader,
boredom can be relieved in many ways. Redecorating your home, catching up on
written correspondence, spending time with the other inhabitants of your home,
or (not so subtle hint) perhaps spending time with a paid companion could all
be excellent ways to pass the time over the course of the long, cold winter.
But there is one tried and true way that we all seem to like to alleviate our
boredom: Arguing with each other.
Now, the
magical message boards that we all have access to were created for great
reasons. We can all keep in touch with each other from long distances, we all
get important information in a timely fashion, and most importantly you have
access to my advice as soon as it is available. But there is an, presumably,
unintended downside to these boards: people are insufferable plebs who don't
think before they post and will find any excuse to be a complete and utter
neden-ninny simply because they are bored. Simple questions posed by unassuming
innocents quickly turn into full blown, expletive filled, name calling, message
wars.
I can't even
begin to describe to you how much of a waste of time this all is. It's like a
carriage crash; highly amusing to the passerby, but a terrible tragedy to those
actually involved. And then of course there is always the drunk driver of the
whole debacle; he who causes the crash and walks away unscathed while the
injured are left to pick up the pieces of their broken lives. “Oh Zarine, stop
being so overdramatic,” you are thinking to yourselves. And you are not wrong,
it isn't nearly as bad as being horribly disfigured and even dismembered in a
fiery accident, but it isn't exactly a charming picnic either. So this season,
let's nip it in the bud before it begins shall we? Below, you shall find a
comprehensive list of etiquette that should be followed at all times to help
prevent seven-hundred and fifty-four comments worth of stupidity.
Don't post
anything. Yes, dear reader, the only sure-fire way to prevent unwanted
annoyances in your life is abstinence. You would think that this would be the
only advice that I would need to provide, my job would be done for the week,
and I could save my hand strength for more lucrative work. But alas, no one
will follow such an excellent suggestion, and as such I must continue on.
Think before
you post. Yes, much common sense, so much easy, right? Wrong. Turns out,
thinking is quite difficult for most of you on a normal basis, but even more so
when faced with the magical glow of the message board. It's like a bright light
of dimwittedness that sings a sirens song coaxing you to post the most asinine
pile of excrement you can think up. Don't listen to it.
Remain calm.
Did someone post something that set your already scalding blood ablaze with
rage? I understand. I myself tend to be quick to anger. But one must remember
what anger very rarely leads to anything productive, unless what you wanted to
produce was a long illegible post with no punctuation, in which case carry on
with your bad self. Walk away from the harsh glow telling you to post the rage
filled drivel. Take a walk, sip some tea, fornicate, kill a peasant, or
whatever you need to do to calm down to a point where you can respond in a
productive manner, or even decide not to respond at all!
Proof read.
Please. For all of us with any grasp of the common tongue, your unpunctuated,
misspelled monstrosity is enough to fill us with rage, thus provoking us to
respond with a well punctuated and correctly spelled yet totally unnecessary
rebuttal. Also, you might well be an excellent and well read conversationalist
in person, but your horrid command of the written language instantly make us
all think you an uneducated buffoon and your point is never credited with any
merit because it's easily brushed off as wrong due to it's lack of capitalization.
Meanwhile someone else could be completely wrong, yet their point is written so
eloquently that people think is must be correct. Presentation is quite
important.
Wait an hour
before posting. Just like swimming, posting too quickly after you've consumed
someone else's post can cause discomfort. Though unlike the tummy cramp you'll
get from swimming, we all are subjected to this discomfort. Much like the
suggestion above to “remain calm”, just waiting a bit of time can help you
formulate a better response, or decide not to respond at all. Most people seem
to think that the quicker they get their response out there the better. Not
true. An argument isn't a race. Just throwing posts out quicker than the other
person doesn't mean you've won. It could just mean that perhaps others have a
job and can't simply spend all day responding immediately, or that they like to
think before they post, or perhaps they are proof reading... You know, all of
the above suggestions that you aren't following because you're too busy winning
some imaginary flame war that maybe you've managed to drag a couple of other
unwitting idiots into. The only person who wins here is no one. We are all
losers just for reading your ridiculous campaign against common sense and good
manners.
If you
couldn't do it in person, don't do it on the boards. Someone assaulted your
honor? If it was well and truly something worth getting your panties in a bunch
over, do something about it. Something real. Don't assassinate their character
in the magical nether, go actually assassinate them. The weather is preventing
your travel plans? Use the magical boards to find an assassin who lives closer
to them and can convey your stabbination in your stead. Or use the time to come
up with an elaborate plan that can be put into action in the spring. Or perhaps
actually speak to the offender in person. Something about that magical light
box makes us all think we are big goddamn badasses, but if we were actually
face to face with the person who had our ire things would be quite different.
Lastly, ask
yourself, “is my opinion really necessary to this discussion?” For the sake of
time, I'll provide you with the answer: No. “But Zarine...” No. Keep it to
yourself.
Dear reader,
I cannot prevent the coming Message Board Wars, but hopefully if even a few of
you follow my advice they will be less bloody and painful than in previous
years. No, dear reader, no need to thank me. Reaching the spring after having
to wade through less piles of steaming dung disguised as your “helpful
opinions” will be thanks enough.
See you next
Tuesday.
Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia
Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, and has 35 years of
experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.
