by: Dan Hudon
The following was discovered in a dingy diary lost in a cave, and translated from the original goblin to be readable in the common tongue. Spelling and grammar also underwent heavy corrections.
Dear Diary,
Nasty crimes have been committed against Goblimeron! We were in a cave after finding a super cool throne, and we were having our annual tournament of finding out who’s best to be our warlord, advisor and court mage. Some non-goblins showed up and were somehow good at all the things, so they got the titles and were officially made goblins. That’s all fine, but things take a turn!
Some guy dressed like a bee then did some quality stealing - which is legal of course. What he stole, though, was my crown, then me off my throne, then my throne, then my kingship. My guards were lazy and he had a lot of bee-people helping him! But these aren’t even the nasty crimes yet, this was all technically legal.
As I was plotting to re-steal everything, this “King Temorse” said that the goblin promised land and Queen Meg were across the lake, and we should make rafts filled with lots of holes to cross it. Now I know that adding holes doesn’t make boats faster - I’ve tried, it makes them sink! But the other goblins listened and went off to do that. A lot of my subjects are dumb and weak and don’t know how to swim, so I needed to save them heroically, but I needed my crown first. The “new king” and his people needed to know which way to go through the tunnels, so I made a deal to show them the way and let them keep my throne (which was uncomfy anyway, there was a face on it and the nose kept poking me) but give me my crown and kingship back. What a steal - the best kind of deal!
When I caught up with my subjects, it was too late - they had already started crossing the lake and some good and half-decent goblins drowned. There was no promised land on the other side either, just more empty cave. Then we realized that our new warlord, advisor, and court mage had abandoned us too to go off with *former* “king” “Temorse”.
Today was dumb and bad, but we did learn some things: that Queen Meg is not under this hill, not to trust people dressed like bees, and how to throw a good coop. This is a tiny little minor setback and we’ll still win and be cool and awesome and steal things.
Goblimeron forever!!!!!
-King Gobbergobber of Goblimeron
P.S. I hope you get this letter even though I left it in a cave and not on a road like normal.
P.P.S. I have eaten a lot of crabs down here, they’re yummy but I want to eat something else. I hear some of my agents on the surface have found lots of chickens while throwing a coop.
