Neden Kazoo February 2017

Putting the N in News                         February 2017

The Wrath of Irvin Ruggles, Part 1 by Renee "Mouse" Booke

Some people said that Ashryn Reymaris was a public menace. Some believed she was a sophisticated soul with a penchant for mischief. Many more people were left asking the important question: “Who the hell is Ashryn Reymaris?” No matter what the opinion, everyone was starting to talk about her in Waterford, the westernmost province of the Kingdom of Vamhadras.

“I want this Elf’s head on a pike!” Irvin screamed, beating his fist against the table. His face was puffy already, but the intensity of his rage was also putting him on the cusp of turning purple. “No one makes a fool of Irvin Ruggles!”

A nervous servant wiped at Irvin’s brow, dabbing at the heavy layer of sweat that had made itself a permanent fixture upon his face. Irvin was an ugly man, and it took everything the servant had not to cringe. Many prominent pustules freckled his wrinkly skin, and they threatened to burst with every fit of rage. Adding to the look was the spit that sprayed out of his mouth and started to gather in his beard. Little droplets of saliva and drool hung off of his lips and coarse hair. To complete the foul trifecta that was every fashionista’s worst nightmare, there looked to be some kind of rash on his neck just under the left earlobe.

Across the table, a lankier fellow held up his hands in calming reassurance. “Of course, Master. Of course we’ll get the Elf’s head for you.” He averted his eyes, starting to roll up the sleeves of his oversized robes. They were red silk on the outside, and lined in gold to match the floral embroidery on the trim. “You mentioned something about the treasury…” His voice trailed off, and he haltingly looked back up.

“There is no treasury, Benjamin you dolt! That is what I’ve been trying to tell you! This-this Reymaris She-Elf took it all,” Irvin wailed. The frustration in his voice was palpable from his stuttering, and with the stuttering came more spittle.

Benjamin’s eyes widened, and his head tilted in a questioning manner. “She couldn’t have taken it all, Master, surely…”

“All of it! Do you need your ears checked? We’ll be ruined if we don’t get those coffers back!” Irvin began drumming his fist into the table again. “Nevermind the fact that she now has copies of our correspondence with Captain Sul’Garthe!” His entire body began to shake as he inhaled sharply, holding his breath.

Benjamin swallowed a lump in his throat. Cautiously, he took a step back from the table. “The correspondence is useless to her, Master. I’ll have the Guards track her down, but don’t trouble yourself over the letters.”

A sudden stillness came over Irvin, and he pulled himself out of his chair as he glowered across the table. “Useless? Captain Sul’Garthe is a notorious pirate from the Tuh’Chiri Empire. One look at that correspondence, and Reymaris will know about our illegal trade agreement. She’ll either be in a position to out us to the authorities, or she’ll have her next target! Don’t tell me to calm down! This is a complete disaster!”

Benjamin burst out laughing, holding his sides as he giggled. 

“How can you be laughing? Benjamin, I swear to Baluur that I’ll gut you and feed you to the pigs!” Irvin roared.

Benjamin held up his hand, trying to compose himself. “Master, master please. Let me explain. Reymaris is a wanted criminal. There is no way she’ll turn us in, because she would have to turn herself in. She cares more about saving her own skin than ruining us.”

Irvin calmed a little. He clearly hadn’t thought of that. He plopped back down into his chair, pushing his head back to rest against the oak wood. “Maybe. I’ll acknowledge the sense in that, but it doesn’t change the fact that she might go after Captain Sul’Garthe, and we’re the ones that that set her on that path.”

“Pffft,” Benjamin scoffed, waving a dismissive hand. “Captain Sul’Garthe has plenty of enemies in the waters of Vamhadras. Everyone knows he’s in the wealthy business of acquisitions, and everyone wants a taste. Do you really think he’ll notice one more foe?”

Irvin started mumbling to himself, and an obvious wheeze rumbled deep within his chest. He coughed and hacked, thumping his hand against his chest as though it might help him catch his breath again. “You’re…ahem, excuse me, you’re not wrong, Benjamin. However, I don’t like to take chances. I’ll feel much better if you can catch her and nip this all in the bud. You know how those Tuh’Chiri can be, and I don’t want to give them any excuse for vindictive behavior.”

“I understand, Master. We’ll get her, and we’ll recover as much of the treasury as we can. I swear it,” Benjamin reassured him. He even smiled, a testament to his confidence.

“Be sure you do, Benjamin. I don’t need to tell you what the consequences are should you fail,” Irvin grumbled.

“Yes, Master. If I fail, you’ll gut me and feed me to the pigs. I understand. You’ve made yourself very clear on that point,” Benjamin said.

“Excellent. Now get out of my sight! You have work to do, and I need a foot-rub.” Irvin started snapping his fingers at the servant. “You there! Remove my shoes!” He leaned back a little more in his chair, bringing his short legs up off the floor to rest on the table.

The servant obeyed, and for what felt like the hundredth time, he questioned if his life was really worth living. Fear was a powerful motivator. If he had ever had doubts about that before ending up in this predicament, those doubts had been forever quieted. He envied Benjamin, watching him round up the guards for the pursuit. His job was not only adventurous, but sanitary. Chasing Ashryn Reymaris sounded much more fun than rubbing Irvin’s feet.

To Be Continued…

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By Sara “Zarine” Jessop

… The Spirit of Competition

            So yesterday there was a big sportsball competition. Some of you may have noticed. It was pretty well talked about, so unless you live under a rock you were at least aware of it's happening. We have a few of what we'll call spectator sports here in the Realms. Most of us are simply bystanders enjoying it for it's entertainment value. And then of course there are tournaments which have a pretty equal mix of competitors and observers. You can break it down further into different types of tournaments; single, teams, war maneuvers, games of chance, games of skill... But they all have one simple thing in common: Competition.

Arc Sphere Distortions

Arc Sphere Distortions

by Steven "Therian" Matulewicz

The rules on Magic Missile props, don't exclude grapes.

Art Gallery

Luc Fromage Presents

The View from Valehaven Art Gallery

Luc Fromage, professional squirrel, and art critic

Hello!  I am Luc Fromage, professional squirrel, and curator of the View from Valehaven Art Gallery.  Allow me to present two pieces of art for your Viewing pleasure today.

What You Missed - Viper Trials (photos)

Editor's Note: all photos and captions by Jason Rosa

The heroes enjoy gambling and socializing at the festival.

Players get ready for Snake Cult trivia.

Trivia teams facing off.

The heroes chase down a phoenix.

Watch out, turns out those phoenixes explode!

The minions of the corrupted snake champion attack.

Trapping the phoenixes in the pen.

Golems protect the corrupted obelisk.

Figuring out the runes needed to purify(ish) the obelisk.

The corrupted snake champion, adorned with the cursed runes of The Seamstress.

Growing a tree of life allowed the champion's connection to the plants to be purified.

The skeletal snake was a fearsome foe.

Victorious, the heroes claimed the snake's head.

The champion and his minions line up for the ultimate battle.

The heroes did not shy from the challenge.

Killing the minions to decode the puzzle to stop the corrupted champion.

Why You Should Go - The Players Meeting

The Realms has many facets to it. You have events, which make up the core of the game and allow us to immerse ourselves in a world different from our own;  the community as a whole, an amalgamation of friends and acquaintances  from all walks of life united by common interests (the game chief among them); and the players themselves (including event-holders), individuals who come back week after week to enjoy all that the game has to offer, who quest, feast, NPC and throw events, and without whom there would be no Realms at all.

All of these things together are vital to the continued success and long-term functioning of the game.  So too is the system of administration that is in place to help ensure that the game is able to endure. Among countless other aspects that we see throughout the year, this system chiefly consists of the Players Meeting and the Event-Holders Council. While the latter is open only to event-holders (as the name implies), the former is open to any person who has attended a legal Realms event within the previous calendar year. Attendance at the Players Meeting is an important way in which players can support the game.

Maybe you have never heard of or attended a Player's meeting in the past. Maybe it’s been a very long time since you've been to one. In any case, if you're thinking about going to the Players Meeting this weekend, here are a few good reasons why you should -

1) Your opportunity as a player to make your individual voice heard.

The meeting affords all players an opportunity to express opinions and engage in constructive discourse about proposed changes to all aspects of the game. If you do not agree with a specific proposal, or if you are in strong support of another, you have the ability to raise your hand and say your piece and to be heard by all who are there. You also have the ability to respond to others as well,  thereby fostering an open dialogue with your fellow players which is important to the health of the game. This is your forum to advocate for the change you want to see in the game, and to share that unique perspective with others. It is an opportunity for everyone to learn from one another.

2) The ability to have input into the running of the game.

One of the great aspects of Realms is the ability of any player to affect change within the system, and the Players Meeting is your chance to have an impact on any changes that are being considered for the coming year through your vote. Proposals can only make it to the Event-Holders Council in one of two ways - sent directly through the signature of ten or more EHs, or passed by a "yes" vote by two-thirds of the players present at the meeting. Thus, your votes have real meaning and can profoundly affect change. You also have the ability to submit proposals while at the meeting itself, to be voted on by the players during that time. You and your fellow players also have the responsibility of choosing the Players Rep,  who will absorb all of the feedback at the meeting and attend the EHC as a voting member to represent the players as a whole and their wishes.

3) It can help you take "ownership" of the game and give back to the community

The Realms is a community-based game. This means that it belongs to all of us, and all of us in the community have the responsibility to ensure that we are doing what is best for the game. Being a part of the process of submitting and voting on proposals and participating in the different discussions that occur can provide a sense of pride and investment in the game going forward and bring players together to help achieve different goals. In a lot of ways we are used to being consumers of games. If you buy a board game or a video game your only job is to interact with it as a user the way the authors intended. But we are all authors in the Realms - of our characters and our nations and the storylines we enjoy. All of these things foster involvement in ways other games do not. Having a voice at the Player's Meeting is another extension of that investment.

4) It allows you to give back to the game.

Like weapons and armor, playing styles and practices change over time, and in order to stay current and enjoyable the game must evolve over time to support these changes. Getting together once a year to vote on rule changes is a way of ensuring that the Realms stays dynamic and interesting even though it is over 30 years old.  Each year we have the opportunity to examine our rules and game experiences for things that we think could be done better or more effectively, and each of us has the opportunity to put forth  these suggestions to the rest of the community. We give back to the game by helping to make it better each year.

So there you have it, several good reasons to go to the Players Meeting this year! While any proposal that passes the Players Meeting must still be voted on by the Event-Holders Council before it becomes official, that does not negate the need for the players to get involved with the process. Remember, event-holders are players too!

And then hopefully after you've attended this year's meeting, and you've had time to absorb the discourse on the different proposals and to think about how they relate to the game as a whole, maybe this will get you thinking about things that were not brought up this year and maybe, perhaps by chance you will:

5) Be inspired for next year!

Either to submit a proposal (or two, or three) of your own for the next Players Meeting, or hold an event sometime in the upcoming year for a chance to attend both the Event-Holders Council and the Players Meeting next year.

More information about the meeting (such as location) can be found on the realmsnet event calendar. 

See you on Saturday!