I Can't Even

I Can't Even 

by, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

Plating

A few weekends ago I attended Nedengiving, because someone finally understands that Sundays are better than Saturdays. It was indeed the fantastic time that was promised.

Games of chance were awarding tickets for the raffle quicker than the spread of the plague. Of course my gold did get stuck halfway down the Plinko board a few times, but I'll let that one slide because Plinko is clearly the easiest way to get a hand cramp from writing your name on hundreds of tickets.

The cheddar broccoli soup, while no Blackwood meatloaf, was delicious and I ate far too much of it. The sandwich buffet was excellent, and as we all know I am an excellent judge of meats. All of the food was quite delectable. And of course having a fully stocked tavern next door did not hurt the ambiance at all. In fact, I find having ample access to alcohol really improves my opinion of our social gatherings.

I was asked by some high muckity muck in Neden to give their gathering a good review. I have to say, I was well on my way to, and then I saw this...

Photo courtesy of Tucker 'Temorse' Noyes 

… and I like, literally could not. What even is this? “Zarine, that's cranberry sauce,” I am sure you are saying in your large empty head. I know what it actually is, you ignorant plebs. I mean, what kind of presentation is this? This doesn't say 'eat me, I'm delicious', it says 'throw me in the trash, I'm gross.'

Food plating is important. Why, you are undoubtedly asking? Because, (with the exception of that blind dude at the table next to us, who I am pretty sure won some sort of weaponry, which is highly concerning) we see food before we taste it and presumably you want people to want to taste it. People want to try things that look good, not like a cranberry-ish colored blob.

Now, plating something like cranberry sauce can be challenging, especially when you purchased the jellied kind in a can, and no matter what you try to do with it, still seems to resemble said can. So my first bit of advice is to acquire some real, homemade cranberry sauce. But if you find yourself with the canned stuff and need to plate it, I have some ideas for you.

Use the moldable nature of the jelly to your advantage: Use cookie cutters to turn your cranberry sludge into festive shapes. Garnish with an orange, as both the colors and flavors compliment each other well. 

http://www.oceanspray.com/Recipes/Corporate/Crafts/Cranberry-Sauce-Garnishes.aspx

Put it on an interesting plate. And no, a plain paper plate is not interesting. I get that we don't want to be spending a lot of time washing dishes, so I am sure if you look hard enough you could find some sort of disposable plate that fits the bill. Something that isn't too much bigger than your cranberry log and compliments its loggy shape would be preferable.

Garnish it with some for reals cranberries. 

Slice it. For some reason people respond to food that is already partially prepared for them. It's like they aren't sure where or how to cut it unless you've already started it. Add a fancy garnish for fancier fanciness. 

Don't serve it. Seriously. It's disgusting anyways.

This plating issue aside, it was quite an enjoyable feast. Will I attend in the future? I could maybe...

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion. 

I Can't Even

I Can't Even 

by, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

Death and Fashion

Last weekend I got the opportunity to attend the annual Black and White Masquerade. It was pretty exciting for me to get away from the bathhouse on a Saturday and actually attend a social event. I love a good masquerade, and I haven't gotten a chance to go to The Black and White since the very first weekend I came to these lands. Back then I was rather quiet and shy and I don't remember too much about it as I was still finding my bearings. But I have heard wonderful things about it over the years and I couldn't wait to experience it in all it's glory.

One of the things I was most looking forward to was the opportunity to see Death himself. I have heard a lot about him and his appearances at the annual event and how he traipses around punishes people for not wearing masks. First off, I am completely intrigued by any entity that castigates mortals for bad fashion choices. I have never been a person to worship gods, but this one sounds like one I could potentially be convinced to canonize.

So all night I waited for Death to arrive. I kept an eye on the people without masks in the hopes that he would come to smite them. I felt like a kid on the eve of Yule, except instead of being excited about an obese man bringing presents I was anticipating a blood bath involving unfashionably uncouth plebs. But alas, Dear Reader, for I was to be disappointed. All night I wondered, “What will Death wear?”, and still I wonder because he never showed up!

Seriously, Death, you've disappointed me. Here I was thinking we'd be great friends and now we aren't even mediocre acquaintances. I was expecting you to arrive in the most fabulous of ensembles with the most ridiculously fantastic mask and pass your haughty judgment over us all. I wanted to know what fabrics you prefer and how many shades of black are in your closet. I wanted to ask your opinion on a variety of different options for my own funeral attire. I mean, I would just die of embarrassment if I were arrive in the afterlife wearing the same thing as someone else who was recently deceased.

Now people tell me that sometimes Death just doesn't show up. Talk about a let down.

At least I got to discover what quinoa tastes like. Spoiler alert, it's awful.

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

by, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Cancellations

I have an important issue to talk about this week. We all know that I work in a service industry. As part of that,we at Alchimia Lupinaar allow you plebs to make appointments in advance. This way you get the person, time, and service that you desire without a hassle. But ever since I opened I've had a persistent problem; People don't keep their scheduled engagements.

Now I am not talking about sending a missive and canceling weeks in advance. I'm talking about canceling when it's too late to book someone else in, or simply just not showing up. Sometimes I get a missive a day later telling me that they cannot keep their allotted time. And if that wasn't bad enough then they request to reschedule. So now they want to take up more of someone's time, which they may not even arrive for. If you dare to ask for a deposit for future appointments they get offended. 'It's just an appointment' they say. 

Well, let me explain something to you. My entertainers are not paid an hourly wage. They actually pay me a percent of their earnings and receive room, board, and protection. So by taking up their time and then not receiving a service you are effectively taking gold out of their pockets. They aren't just there to serve you, they are working and earning a living. They are people, just like you, who deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy. 

Now, I am not an unreasonable woman. I understand that sometimes there is an emergency, or you just plain forgot. But let me put it this way: Say you work at a forge making a decent enough living to pay your creditors and feed yourself and your family. Your boss comes out to you one afternoon and says “I don't have anything for you to do for the next two hours, but you can't go home, and I'm not going to pay you to be here”. Sounds terribly unfair doesn't it? Oh, and then he asks you to come in tomorrow on your day off and do what you were supposed to do today. Does that sound acceptable to you? No?

We don't want to hear your hour long apology full of lame excuses. We just want you to understand why it's not acceptable and preferably to stop doing it. And not just at my establishment, but everywhere. People's time is important to them, especially when that time is literally money. People who provide you with services are not beneath you (unless that is the service you are paying for, I suppose) and we are deserving of basic decency and respect. Henceforth at Alchimia Lupinaar I shall be requiring a deposit for all advance appointments. If that doesn't meet with your approval, then I suggest you find yourself a new medical provider.

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even ...

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop 

… An Important Announcement

I have been asked a lot of questions lately, and I even know the answers to a lot of them. Lately though, the questions being asked have made me realize that people have made an assumption that simply isn't true.

So I am going to make a public service announcement in the hopes that you plebs stop asking me the same annoying questions over and over: I am not in The Order of the Peacock. 

Yes, even their own members are often confused

I don't know what this seasons Peacock color is, and even if I did I don't usually agree with it. I heard tell it may be some purple variety, but even the Peacock members that I consulted with weren't sure. I clearly do not know how to get into the order, so stop asking me that. They've been snubbing me for years, so perhaps try doing the opposite of what I do. If you ask me what a valet is, I'm going to correct your atrocious pronunciation and give you the real definition, because I honestly don't know what their valets do.

I understand that I 'look like I'm in the order'. Stop telling me that. It's honestly kind of mean. Unless you are legit trying to give a backhanded compliment, because in that case, good on you for being such a clever little minx.

So in conclusion, not a peacock, never going to be a peacock, so get your peacock information from someone else.

See you next Tuesday.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even ...

by, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Dining Disappointment

This past weekend another Feast of Blackwood came and went. It's one of my favorite days of the year. I love dinner parties and the fine folks in Blackwood throw one of the best year after year.

There were many excellent things about the day. I got to spend time with my dear friend Piper while we haughtily judged all the plebs of The Realms, though I must say that it's getting harder to look down my nose at you as you've all taken much of my advice and were much better dressed and your manners were much improved. I was impressed by the Folkstone party having perfectly matched salt and pepper shakers. In fact, most of the tables were quite well decorated and set out. The blackjack table was kind to me for once and I walked away with my purse slightly heavier. Sir Bones even managed not to spatter me with blood when he exploded outside the feast hall.

The food was delicious as always. The Hungarian Mushroom soup was exceptional, even if it was far too hot and humid out to truly appreciate anything even slightly warm. The cheesy cauliflower substitution was far superior to the cheesy macaroni dish, and I hear tell that vegetarians were served one of my favorite dishes, ratatouille. I am slightly offended that the people with dietary restrictions got such special treatment and respectfully request that we all get fair and equal treatment in the future. My taste bud's hurt feelings were bolstered by the lemon prosciutto flatbread however, which could possible be one of my new favorite things, and if the recipe for it isn't published in The View in the very near future we should all riot on King K's front lawn.

Overall I was having a very pleasant day eating, gossiping, and giving refugees fashion advice. Yes, dear reader, I was quite enjoying myself. And then court happened and King K announced that he hoped we had all enjoyed our food and that dessert would be on it's way; effectively signaling the end of the main courses. Well I almost couldn't hide my outrage, but I did because I'm a lady and sometimes you just have to suck it up, but I literally couldn't even I was so upset. “But Zarine, what could possibly have upset you so,” you are thinking. The same thing that should have upset everyone; dinner was over and we weren't getting any Blackwood Meatloaf.

You see, my dears, if you are new to The Realms or just have never visited Blackwood then you don't quite understand exactly what it is you have been deprived of. It's a true delicacy. The most wonderful of all of the loafs. Other loafs hang their heads in shame when told of it's tastiness and succulency as they know that they can never compete with such a champion of cuisine. We were all dispossessed of the joy and glory that is Blackwood Meatloaf and I for one am not going to take this laying down. I mean, I am, because I take most things laying down, but you get my point.

The people of Blackwood owe us all an apology and I demand that we be recompensed with large quantities of Blackwood Meatloaf at your earliest convenience. And throw in some of that lemon-prosciutto flatbread for pain and suffering. And maybe some cheesy cauliflower. And that Hungarian Soup. We have gone without for too long! We don't want a whole chicken that we must carve ourselves. We want individually packaged, easily portable, and easy to reheat king of the loafs, Blackwood Meatloaf!

See you next Tuesday.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

by, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop 

… Complimentary Colors

So I talk a lot about the subjective side of fashion. I mean, really, most of it is just a matter of personal opinion and some people's opinions matter more than others. But there are things that are not a matter of opinion but rather a matter of science(ish).

Oftentimes people ask me how to chose colors that looks well together or why certain color combinations make them want to lose the contents of their last meal. While some people might recognize that certain colors naturally go together and others do not, many don't actually understand why. And then of course there are the poor plebs that just can't even recognize it and are unknowingly walking around making the rest of us cringe.

To understand why colors compliment or upset each other one needs to understand color theory. Now the entirety of color theory is huge and complicated and would take up far too much of my precious time for me to bother explaining all of it. The two basics of color theory that are most important for you to know are the color wheel and color harmony.

The color wheel, pictured above, seems pretty self explanatory. It's a wheel of color, sort of like a wheel of cheese only less delicious. However, the colors are organized in a certain way. It's based on the primary colors of red, yellow, and blue. In the middle between two primary colors are the secondary color that it creates, and to either side of that is the tertiary color created by the primary and secondary. Now, I know that those are a lot of big and confusing words, but I can only handle one educational experience at a time and today's lesson is on color, not vocabulary. Some color wheels contain even more variations of color, but for now let's start simple.

Color harmony means pairing colors that are pleasing to the eye. For this we can use the color wheel. I don't feel like writing it all out, so I found this handy photograph for you that someone with no social life had the time to make.

All of these things create a logical structure for color that makes it easier to understand. Some colors together are as bland as a boiled dinner. Other color combinations are too chaotic and make our minds want to shut off as it can't organize it. Following the guide above will help you create a harmonious color scheme for any occasion. I would say it's fool proof, but I have had the displeasure of meeting most of you and I really believe that you could screw up just about anything set before you, so I have faith that you could completely bungle this too. I hope that you all at least now know that complimentary colors are not just colors who say nice things to each other...

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… an important reminder

It's a friendly reminder as this is a friendly man

I know that it is hard to believe but summer is almost unofficially over. All those weekends of war maneuvers, monster hunting, partying, and hitting the beach have really made the summer fly by haven't they? I don't know about you, dear reader, but I didn't get half of the things done over the last few months as I said that I would. My closet didn't get cleaned, my flower gardens are still filled with weeds, and my painting project is still half done. There is still time to do most of these things. It's not like it will instantly turn to winter as soon as next weekends festivities are over. We still have the best season to come, after all.

Of course there is something that you are running out of time to do that you all may have forgotten about. This coming weekend is once again the weekend that the good folks in Folkestone have designated as their 'questing' weekend, and that means that this is the last week for wearing white! White is such a lovely summer color, but alas it is completely inappropriate to wear it after the weekend that Folkestone lures us to it's lands with the promise of fun and revelry only to end up having to fight monsters and close portals. Come to think of it, this is pretty much what happens every weekend and perhaps we should have a serious conversation about how dangerous our gatherings are. But whatever happens this weekend, I would highly suggest wearing white as it's your last opportunity until after next years Tournaments of Creathorne.

This goat-girl is about to get served BBQ ribs

I would also suggest wearing something white that you don't mind ruining. It's an unfortunate truth that if you wear white you are sure to be presented with a messy meal or suddenly have need to go on some sort of stain-filled adventure. I would suggest bringing a large bib for dinner and maybe some armor for other problems that could arise. The great thing about white is that it can be bleached and returned to it's former glory, or simply dyed a different color to hide whatever misfortune has befallen you. Or perhaps you could twirl though the chaos in such a way as to make an interesting pattern and be the fashion forward innovator of the 'blood spattered' look. Stranger things have come into fashion after all. 

Before and after killing the big bad guy.
The blood really adds something here...

I won't be there, as Trent has so graciously agreed to escort me to see one of my favorite bards, but I look forward to seeing photographs of you in all of your snowy splendor. I mean, I hope that it doesn't actually snow, that would be quite lamentable. I mean that I hope to see many images of your beautiful white clothing that you'll be putting away on Monday because I wrote an article that told you that you should here, and why not have one last hurrah with it, right?

So have fun, be fashionable, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop 

A Little Advice 

So, in light of the fact that clearly everyone in the world hates each other, I really can't even this week. I'm pretty exhausted from people in general. They all suck, and they all act like petulant children. Everyone I have come into contact with in the last week has been rude, annoying, and awful.

So here is some advice from some people who once went on a rather fabulous adventure: Be excellent to each other.

Seriously dudes, it's not that hard. My mother didn't teach me much other than how not to live my life, but she did once tell me that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. I prefer the 'if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me', but tearing apart someone's outfit choices and table manners is totally different than picking on someone's sexual orientation, race, or religion. Even I don't go there, and I'm pretty much known to be a harsh and basic bitch with no filter. Someone didn't choose to be born an elf, like you chose to wear those shoes with that purse. And stop being an arse to service people. We are not your personal punching bags to take your frustrations out on. That's what spouses are for. 

So put your hatred for things that don't matter aside, and focus them back where they belong: on bad fashion, terrible manners, distasteful person hygiene, and dinnerware that doesn't match.

See you next Tuesday.


Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… put your money where my mouth is

Something disturbing had been brought to my attention recently. I have not spent too much time around public fire pits this year, so I have been unaware of some of the goings on but I had assumed the usual shenanigans were occurring. Drinking, dancing folk unaware of how much clothing they have removed, tone deaf people singing odd songs from foreign lands, people complaining about the musical leanings of the person in charge of the magical bardic device... But I never expected to hear of something so absolutely disgusting as people putting currency in their mouths.

I have had a lot of questionable things in my mouth, but never money. Seriously, as a medical professional I can tell you that the stuff is amazingly nasty. You should always wash your hands after handling any kind of currency, especially if the next thing you plan to do is eat. The foreign paper money that we commonly call 'greenbacks' seem to be especially contaminated. We really have no idea where that stuff is even from, never mind who has handled it. Fortunately there exists people who have studied this strange outlander currency and their findings are quite enough to make you want to wear gloves whenever you need to touch it. 

“But Zarine, they told me the money had been laundered...” Oh, you poor, idiotic pleb. Money laundering has nothing to do with sanitation. It means, dear reader, that they have concealed the illicit origins of the money so that it seems that it was acquired though legal activities. Meaning that particular money is probably even dirtier than you think. A solid majority of greenbacks are contaminated by 'pharmaceutical' residues, and I am not talking about penicillin.

Speaking of penicillin, an estimated 94% of bills are contaminated with pathogens. What are pathogens, you ask? My dear friend Miriam defines it as “a bacterium, virus, or other microorganism that can cause disease”. Greenbacks are not actually made of paper, but rather 25% linen and 75% cotton, making them fairly absorbent. The influenza virus can be actively transported for up to seventeen days via currency. One researcher discovered roughly 3,000 types of organisms present, including bacteria linked to food poisoning, pneumonia, and staph infections. They can contain fecal matter. That's poop, for the folks in the back row. The antibiotic resistant Staphylococcus aureus, know as MRSA, can survive on it and cause life threatening blood infections. Each piece of currency contains an estimated 10 such microbes per square centimeter. Still want to put that in your mouth?

Wash your hands after touching money! 

I handle a lot of money. I also handle a lot of diseased things and bodily fluids (because I am a doctor you pervert). I handle a lot of things that have changed hands many times. I wash my hands thoroughly after touching any of those things. I wash my hands after using the rest room as do most people. It's estimated that currency contains more bacteria than a latrine. If I'm going to die prematurely it's going to be for something like being sarcastic at the wrong time, not because I stuck something in my mouth that gave me a terminal illness.

While dancing drunkenly around the fire, might I suggest having people put money in alternate places? If directly into your hand or coin pouch isn't sexy enough, perhaps your undergarments? It's still not exactly sanitary, but you do what you've got to do. You don't need to put anything suspect in your mouth to make a little money.

Speaking of this weird outlander currency, why accept it at all? Until this George Washington or Abraham Lincoln show up to back their currency it's worthless in our lands is it not? So you are risking contracting a nasty illness for literally nothing. Come on people, I'd like to think that you all have a little more self respect than that. I have patients that contacted illnesses for far better reasons that require my medical expertise, and I would far rather help them than someone who pulled a dollar out of somewhere questionable with their teeth.

Stay classy, Realms.

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

... Change 

I think we all know that I don't like change. I prefer things to be in an orderly fashion, and in the same order all of the time. If my morning tea gets set down on the wrong side of my breakfast plate I basically lose my mind. So you can only imagine how difficult is was to make some revisions to how things are done here at Alchimia Lupinaar. 

I have advisers who tell me what the most effective way to run a business is, however most people's business isn't, well... people. It takes something of a strange moral compass to do what I do and I didn't like the way I was being advised. I certainly do not think of myself as a good person, dear reader, but even I know that people are more than commodities. So I fired them. "But Zarine, what will your guests be entertained by..." You're wondering that because you're an idiotic pleb that thinks that I fired the people who keep me in business and you warm at night. Well, you're completely wrong. Unless you're being kept warm at night by one of my business advisers, in which case your only half wrong.  

What every pleb is thinking right now....

So things are changing here. 

At first I didn't like it because almost no one likes change. We all like the status quo because it's at least familiar. We are all a little bit shy when it comes to new things and are slow to accept that the world can't always stay the same. But sometimes things need to change. 

Oh, don't worry, you won't notice any difference in the quality of your service. The adjustments mostly only effect my coin purse. You might notice some of them only because I have pointed the possibility out to you. I've shared this information both because it will make you curious and increase my bottom line, and because I hope that it teaches you a valuable lesson about change; it's not always bad.

There are many times that change is good. Changing your clothes, for instance, is something that you should all do far more often. Changing your attitude is another good example. Most of you could do with a bit of a personality adjustment. Changing your tune would also be great since it appears that most of the Realms citizens are born completely tone deaf, myself included. Change of pace? Please do, as my girls are getting quite bored with the lot of you and your fondness for doing everything at a medium pace. 

What's the moral of this whole article, you are probably wondering? I was going to tell you, but I've changed my mind. 

See you next Tuesday. 

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Summer Color 1017

This past weekend at the annual Tournaments of Blackwood I was asked by many people what the summer color was. I wasn't quite sure what the Order of the Peacock had announced as the color, but common consensus was that it was either midnight blue or navy. While I love deep, dark colors, they are really not appropriate for summer. Summer should feature a bright, cheery color. Most of the plebs I spoke with agreed and kept demanding that I decide on a color.

At first I simply told people to wear bright cheery colors. White is an excellent summer color, as are some of the brighter pastels (though I prefer those for spring). Many colors were brought up and discussed and I hadn't quite settled on one until one in particular really struck my eye and called to me. The very lovely Dame Freesia was traipsing across the tourney field wearing a shawl of the most beautiful orange. “But Zarine, colors don't talk...” Yes, yes they do, and this color was yelling, “pick me, pick me!”

Orange is a lovely color. It's the color of the fires that we like to gather around. It's the color of the sunsets that give way to gambling and socializing. It's the color of the sunrise that sometimes we see while singing really really badly and realize we should go to sleep. It's the color of the delicious fruit of the same name. According to 'color psychology' (yes, that's a thing) orange is the color of joy and creativity and who doesn't like that?

So I have decided upon the orange shade of Flame. I know that there isn't much summer left, but it shouldn't be too hard to procure something of this color. You could even just sit around a fire or enjoy a day outside in the sun and be exposed to this happy color and wallow in it's warmth. 

You  could even pick up a little trinket rather than an article of  clothing

I hope that you all enjoy my pick and embrace it as it's really a color that makes people smile and I think we could all use a little more of that.

See you next Tuesday

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even …

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… First Impressions Part 2

All the way back in April I wrote an article about first impressions which can be found here. Unfortunately there are some new people about who clearly do not spend their days reading old copies of the View and thus have taken their first steps into the Realms with their foot in their mouths. Fear not, young plebs, for I have sage advice for you which might help you and your future in our lands.

First off you'll need to recognize that you've made a mistake. If you think you've done everything perfectly fine and have done nothing wrong then I can't help you. Understanding that you are not perfect and can improve upon something is usually the first step in becoming a better person in almost every circumstance. So man up, or woman up for you lovely ladies, and admit that you done mucked it up.

“But Zarine, I didn't muck it up....” Oh yes, my love, you certainly did. You see, when you first come into the Realms as a fresh adventurer you are somewhat like a child, and children should be seen and not heard. Observe, listen, and learn about the culture that you have found yourself in. Don't be that annoying tourist from another land who thinks that they know better than us. Be that guy or gal that soaks in a new environment and learns from it before they try and change it. All too soon you'll be more like a teenager with all kinds of wacky ideas and too many opinions on everything, but people might actually listen to you because you've paid your dues as a respectful observer. And make sure you get out all your good ideas during this time, because before you know it you'll be one of those whiny old people who hurt all the time and don't like change.

Do not think that I am telling you not to get involved. Getting involved will help you learn and grow within the community. You'll get to know people and better understand how to address them when giving an opinion or asking for assistance. But get involved with the understanding that you are new to the world and its peoples and don't instantly start disrespecting them and making baseless assumptions. Otherwise you are going to have a bad time. We do not take too kindly to people who speak first and think later, unless you've been around longer than dirt and then you can say whatever the heck you want no matter how dumb it is.

If you have come to terms with the fact that you have blundered, I am here to tell you how you can fix a bad first impression. The first thing you should know is that it is going to take some work. It takes approximately eight positive encounters to make up for a negative one.

The most important thing is to apologize. Don't over atone, that just gets weird, but a simple “sorry, I messed up and got off on the wrong foot,” can do wonders for repairing a damaged reputation. It shows that you understand your mistake and are willing to admit it. Most people will respect that and be a little more lenient in their grievances towards you.

The second most important thing is not to do it again. If you've just apologized for being a jerk, and then five minutes later you're a jerk again, now it's a pattern of behavior. It's not that you've given a bad first impression, you're just a jerk and likely always will be. When people say “bad” in this case they mean incorrect. If you repeat the action you are only proving that the first impression was the correct one and further cementing into people's minds that this is simply who you are. If it's not who you are, stop telling people that it is. If it is who you are, well, then I literally can't even help you.

Find a way to change our minds. We are likely never to reevaluate our impression of you on our own as that takes more energy than most of us want to put forth. So you will need to give us a reason to reevaluate and change our minds. Just make sure that what you do makes us actually want to change our minds and not just think even worse of you. Try doing the opposite of whatever you did the first time, and just remember that you'll have to do it quite a few times before we start to see that you aren't the bumbling idiot that you first appeared to be.

So you see, dear reader, it takes patience and understanding to overcome a bad first impression and not from everyone else but from you! You are the one who unimpressed us, after all. We've all been there and likely will be again at some point in our lives. No one is perfect all of the time and we all make mistakes. Some of us learn from them and some of us don't. Be the one who learns and eventually people will begin to see you for who you really are, and not that one instance of stupidity.

Whoooo Ashenmark Day!

See you next Tuesday.


Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Tourney Fashion

Armor Created by
https://www.larp-fashion.co.uk/larp/black-raven-armoury/

It's that time of year again, when our weekend activities tend to focus more on the competitive side of things. War maneuvers and one on one competitions are a fantastic way to get your body moving and get in shape. Unfortunately people also seem to think that it's a perfect opportunity to pull out their grimiest and most ill fitting clothing. Tournament fashion doesn't have to be terrible.

Now, you'll be fighting and running around all day, so formal wear is out of the question unless you are only there to spectate, and even then you'll likely want to dress a bit more comfortably for the summer weather. You'll want to keep practicality in mind while choosing your outfit as you are not looking to win a fashion competition, but rather a war maneuver. However, you can look good while dressed to kill, and I am here to tell you how.

Footwear is the most important thing. You'll want to be able to run, cut, jump, and stop quickly. You'll also need good ankle support as no one wants to deal with carting you and your disconnected foot off of the field. Boots are the obvious choice, though make sure you try them on with your leg armor before purchasing an expensive pair. And yes, you get what you pay for with footwear, so pony up and take care of your feet. The rest of your body will thank you. If your footwear is falling apart, either get it repaired or purchase a replacement. You will both look and feel better.

Pants and Shirts. Wear them. Of course there are all sorts of shirts and pants. You'll want something easy to move in, in a breathable and durable fabric, in a color that won't show stains. I prefer something tight for both as it won't get snagged on anything or anyone, specifically a weapon because before you know it your whole damn arm has fallen off. Of course the menfolk have some extra equipment so perhaps they prefer something a little baggier in their nether regions. There are pants out there with what is called a 'drop crotch'. I am not a big fan of them in a more formal setting, but for fighting they are fabulous. Others opt for shorts as they allow for more airflow. However if you are the type to spend a lot of time on your knees perhaps shorts aren't for you. Shirts can be sleeveless, but just remember that the armhole should not extend to your waist, giving us an unhindered view of your naked torso. It's not attractive. If your shirt has an attached hood remember to bring hair clips of some sort so that it doesn't fall off while running or due to wind. That's assuming that you have hair. If not, I hear that duct tape works. Just because clothing needs to be practical does not mean that they have to be boring. They can have interesting pockets, embroidery, and laces. Just make sure that none of the decorative items are going to interfere with your fighting skills, or lack thereof.

Belts. They hold your pants up, so they are quite important. They also can hold belt favors to denote your team or role, extra weapons, spell components and pouches. They allow you to display your pride in your knightly order. As an added bonus, you can also slap people with them, just remember to tuck it back in so that you don't trip over it while marching across the field. I imagine that would be quite embarrassing.

Armor. It should all match. It's understandable with folks new to competitive fighting, but don't be that guy who's been around for years and still looks like he got his armor from the loaner bin. And if you are a part of a nation your armor should all look similar enough that one of you doesn't stick out like a sore thumb. It should be well fitting both for practicality and visual appeal. And please for the love of whatever god you worship do not use duct tape on any portion of it. There are enough leather workers and ring crafters in the Realms for that not to be necessary. In an emergency it's understandable, but get it fixed as soon as possible. Clean it and care for it regularly, for it will both last longer and look better.

Tabards. Don't forget, lose, or otherwise not have your tabard. You'll never hear the end of it. Most nations in the realms don't have an official military uniform other than a tabard. On the field, it denotes who you fight for and represent. It's important and you can all learn an important lesson from me at ToC this year: be more careful with the important things and less worried about superficial ones. Take pride in your national heraldry and repair rips, remove stains and just keep it in over all good condition.

All of your clothing worn at such events should be cleaned immediately upon returning home. Do not leave it in your carriage for weeks, especially if it has gotten wet. Mold is not an attractive look on anyone and it could ruin your expensive leather armor. Metal armor can rust. Rust causes tetanus, which is something you do not want. After washing put it away in a way that will not cause it to become a wrinkled mess. You don't want to show up the next weekend looking like you just rolled out of bed.

And for goodness' sake wear clothing! I know it's summer and that it's hot but that is no excuse for running about in your skivvies. Make sure that the clothing you have chosen to wear is lightweight and comfortable enough so that you won't feel the desire to strip right on the field. Clothing protects you from scrapes and cuts, bug bites, and the harmful rays of the sun. And there is plenty of clothing that is not actual undergarments that will expose quite a bit of your body to the elements if that is what you so desire.

We have all gotten better at dressing up for formal events, but this progress has not extended into other events and it needs to. So I challenge you, dear reader, to not only improve your combat skills but your combat fashion as well. Find a way to look good while still winning. After all, don't you want those gold medals to rest on a chic background rather than a unstylish piece of cloth that looks like it came from the rag bag?

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion. 

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By,

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Stanky

Now that warm weather is finally upon us it is time to talk about something very important: You all's nasty smelling selves. Whether it's a balmy day full of tournaments or a sweltering day of adventuring through the woods saving some village we've never heard of before and never will again, your body will produce a foul stench brought forth by your strenuous activities.

They have invented a wonderful product for just such an occasion, and all other occasions as well, called Deodorant. It does exactly what its name says: removes offending odors. Often times this is combined with an antiperspirant, also doing exactly what its name would imply: preventing perspiration. You can both prevent sweat and stanky smells? What will they come out with next, you might be wondering. Well, hold onto your facinators, cavaliers, and fedoras, plebs; because wait, there's more!

Soap. Soap is a wonderful thing. It rids your body of all the dirt that it has collected throughout the day. And yes, it should be used daily and not weekly like we are some uncouth street urchins. In fact, some uncouth street urchins bath with more regularity than some of you appear to, which is quite sad. Those street urchins are going to grow up to be successful, great smelling entrepreneurs and you'll still be living in a carriage down by the river. So wash yourself regularly.

Perfumes. Perfumes can be a great addition to your scent repertoire. I am going to tell you a little secret about perfumes, however. They don't cover up the smell of Tourney Stank. Or Adventuring Stank. Or Slept In The Creathorne Tavern Stank. They just add a new smell on top of it. Ever hear of Shitrus? The combined smell of your citrus air freshener and whatever just came out of you in the bathroom? Yeah, that's what you''ll succeed in making yourself smell like if you pour a bottle of cologne over your putridly odoriferous self. And pro-tip: If you can smell your own perfume, you used too much.

“But Zarine, my natural scent is delectable...” Ew, no. Just... no. Your 'natural scent' makes me want to vomit up my own delectable breakfast. Trust me, I work very very closely with people and things often get quite sweaty. I'm pretty persnickety about who I consort with and will refuse service to foul smelling suitors. Yet some people do not have 'resting stank bod' and only produce noxious fumes when introduced to physical activity. No one wants 'surprise stank'. No one. When someone says they want to be gagged, that is one hundred percent not what they mean. 

Fart Squirrel strikes again with smelly adorableness 

Washing oneself is not a difficult concept. Seriously. Neither is applying some deodorant and an appropriate amount of perfume to assure that you will continue to smell pleasant throughout the day. Of course it's understandable that at the end of a particularly strenuous day that you'll not smell your best. None of us will. But there are steps to take to not smell your worst either. If you're going to be away from sanitary facilities for a weekend you can bring soaps, deodorant, and perfume with you. You can also bring a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash for your foul mouth. Baby wipes make an excellent field bath if used on your whole body and can leave you feeling quite refreshed. They are meant to clean a baby's poopy posterior, so they are quite heavy duty and can certainly clean a little dirt and sweat from your personage.

Please, for the benefit of us all, follow this advice. I promise that I will look more kindly upon your other transgressions if only you don't smell like you spent the night smearing feces on the walls of a latrine. Stop the stankiness. Start the fragrant bouquet of cleanliness.

See you next Tuesday.


Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't even...

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Rain

Here in the Realms we like to complain about the weather. A lot. It's too hot, it's too cold, it's too wet, it's too dry... Seriously, it's like nothing makes us happy except complaining about something that we have zero control over. People are fond of saying,“if you don't like the weather, wait a minute”. Well, guess what, we aren't going to like it then either.

Currently though, we have a rather valid complaint: it just won't stop raining. Oh sure, we have a sunny day here and there, but it's almost like mother nature is just mocking us with them at this point. Like, “hey look at what beautiful weather I could be giving you! It's alright plebs, clean out your fireplaces and open your windows, I'm all done giving you cold and rainy foolishness. Relax!” So we relax. We think, ''Oh goody! Better days are finally upon us!” Then that little tart is all like, “Just kidding bitches, here is ALL THE RAIN!”

Maybe all those tree huggers are right and she really can hear us. Last year we were all like “We didn't get enough precipitation and now we are in a drought. This sucks.” So this hussy is like “I'll teach those idiots to question my judgment again”, and boom, the boat building industry is raking in the gold. 

The constant rain and cold has been taking it's toll on our moods. Everyone is cranky and tired. We want to shut ourselves in our houses and hide under blankets where we feel warm and safe. Now, some of us make our living under blankets and can classify our sudden antisocial tendencies as 'work', but it's still not a healthy way to live life. Especially if there is nothing under that blanket with you except a chocolate cake you named Charlie. “But Zarine...” No. Charlie is just going to make you fat. Put Charlie down and go outside.

There are many ways that we can combat the dreary aura that is threatening us all. First and foremost is getting out of bed and getting stuff done. Rainy days are great for getting inside chores done since there is no sunshine to be like a siren's call to lure you outside. Instead there is a big storm cloud that seems to shout “Don't come out here, harlot.” So wash laundry, do dishes, scrub your floors, organize your closet, paint that wall you've been meaning to paint, burn all your chartreuse garments, or any number of things that likely need to be done around your home or business. The sheer act of moving your body and accomplishing something will make you feel better, and as an added bonus it will also help to warm up that bone deep cold that seems to have settled upon you. Honestly by the time decent weather becomes a regular thing our homes should all be immaculate.

Socializing is another good cure for the 'absolutely terrible weather' blues. Go to a gathering. If there isn't a gathering happening, throw your own party. It doesn't have to be extravagant (though bonus points if it is). Just a small gathering of friends doing something that you all enjoy should do it. Just make sure that what you want to do isn't terribly depressing. You are tying to lift each others spirits not dishearten them and send them into a spiraling desolation. Don't have any friends? Well, come on down to Alchimia Lupinaar. We have many friends of varied interests to choose from, and the nominal fee required is a small price to pay to find temporary happiness.

Bardic entertainment can always help elevate your mood. Hire some minstrels, attend a bardic circle, go to a dance, or visit a theater. Sing yourself. If you are a horrendous singer like myself, make sure you do it somewhere that no one can hear you. Like inside your carriage. I know that you can see and hear people outside, but trust me, they can't see or hear what's happening inside. Don't ask me to explain how this is scientifically possible, it's just something that is known to be true. And dance around your house when no one is watching. Or better yet, laugh in Mother Nature's face and dance in the rain. Dance and sing until you are out of breath. Trust me, you'll feel better afterwards. Innocent bystanders may be horrified, but who cares about them. Unless I am one of them, you do you and feel good about it.

Hopefully, one of these days the rain will stop for more than a day at a time and the sun will begin to make a regular appearance in our lives once again. But for now, just like that person we have a crush on and doesn't know we exist, we will just have to be satisfied with the few times he decides to visit and grace us with his presence. Bask in it's warmth when it's around and truly appreciate what an impact that giant ball of flaming gas makes on our lives. And when he inevitably leaves without even realizing how much we want him to stay, don't fall into a miserable despondency like the world is just not worth living in. And if you do, don't whine to me about it. No one else wants to be dragged into your despair.

So take one last bite out of Charlie, get out of bed, find something that makes you happy, and Mother Nature be damned, just do it.

See you next Tuesday


Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By,

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Bathrooms

We all know that I hate camping with a passion and being in the woods is not my thing. Mostly because I get lost. We did make many jokes this weekend about how we should make me an entire outfit out of that day-glo ornage that those new kids were wearing so my countrymen could find me. Also, that color is so 990's that I can't even. Usually I deal with my hatred of the woods of Creathorne by drinking so much that I forget where I am. This year, however, my stomach was not having it and I made the 'responsible' decision to become one of those losers I just picked on last week. So I got to experience the woods, sleeping in my carriage (because despite my insistence that you all pack everything you own and double check everything I was missing a tent pole), pollen, ticks, plebs, and dirt while sober.

Even with all those terrible things I just mentioned that I had to endure, dear reader, there was one thing worse: the bathrooms. We all know what Realms bathrooms are like. Small, dirty, and cramped. I am likely not going to be telling you anything new here, but I'm going to complain anyways because it's what I am good at.

Clearly last year... I had my tabard.

I got the privileged of hosting the Refined Ladies Society's gathering this year, so I dressed nicely. I mean, not in my best clothes, this is ToC after all and I don't have piles of gold to throw away on replacing my good things. But I was wearing a rather large skirt and I carry a lot of things on my person so there are a lot of things hanging from my belt. You may laugh at how much I carry, but I handed out no less that ten bobby pins, five hair ties, and loaned my lighter to at least ten people. (Public service announcement, I won't be replacing those hair ties so next time you need those maybe ask someone who doesn't have shorter hair than most of the men in the Realms.)

So eventually, like all people, I needed to relieve myself. I put it off for as long as possible because this wasn't my first rodeo and I know what Creathorne's portable latrines are like by that point on Saturday night. So I took the dreaded walk down there, thinking the whole time how I wished I were a man, and braved the smells and sounds of what could quite possibly be the grossest place in the Realms. Then I get in there and realize I don't fit.

Are you done making fat jokes in your head? Good. Because I myself fit, but not with my giant skirt and all my drinking apparatuses hanging from my belt. After closing my skirt in the door three times I then had to get the damn thing out of the way. Now, I am always cold, so of course I was also wearing fleece legging as well, so yeah... it took me like a full five minutes just to be able to urinate without anything being in the actual toilet or urinal. Turns out, I can't hold my breath for a full five minutes, so we are lucky I didn't just die in there.

In all of the frustration of the skirt incident, I forgot to check for toilet paper. Fortunately there was some there, but I'm going to let you all in on a little secret, dear readers: There are devices inside the latrines which actually hold the paper and keep it from being on the dirty, nasty floor. Yet there it was, on the floor. Wet with what I tell myself is water from outside. Rain water from the heavens. Seriously, you uncouth morons, that is disgusting and unnecessary.

Then I needed to try to redress myself, which was actually easier than the reverse but still not fun. Trying to put my skirt back down and keep it out of the toilet was quite the task. By the time I did all of that, I literally had to go again.

So I thought for sure that I had the worst outhouse experience of the weekend. Clearly that wasn't the case, for now I hear tell that someone actually smeared feces all over the walls of one of them. I mean, what the actual eff? How inebriated does one need to be to even desire to do such an abominable thing? I really hope the answer to that is really, really gods damned plastered because if someone would do that sober they have an even bigger issue than we initially thought.

I am a fan of partying. This was the first ToC I have ever been to where I didn't get fall down, talk too loud and dance too much intoxicated. I have never, ever been wasted enough to do something so incredibly idiotic, disrespectful and just plain disgusting. That is someone else's property that you literally defecated all over. We all do stupid things for a laugh, but this is so beyond 'not funny' I can't even describe it. Like, it just makes me want to vomit.

So in conclusion, lavatories are horrid enough without people adding additional horrors. We shouldn't need 'Potty Police'. We do need bigger outhouses however for us ladies with large skirts. I have spoken to Sir Sean about larger rooms. He says someone would legitimately need to be handicapped to get one. So my task to you, my loves, is to find or make a handicapped person by next year.

See you next Tuesday.  

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By, 

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Unnecessary Necessities

Hello again plebs! I apologize for last week. We had some big changes at the bathhouse and I just could not find the time to write a witty article. But that is all cleared up now, and I am back with you this week. As luck would have it, there is quite a large event coming up this weekend and I have advice to dispense!

The discussion has already begin on the Argument Board about all the necessary items to bring along with you this weekend. List upon list of what people think are the most important things to pack in your already overloaded carriage. Socks, undergarments, socks, bedding, socks, tents, socks, food, socks, etc, etc, socks.... You get the idea. Things you will actually need to survive the weekend in relative comfort. Well, dear reader, I have a completely different list for you: Things you absolutely do not need but should totally bring.

Just because something isn't necessary for your survival doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring it. I remember, long ago when I was a green adventurer in these Realms, that I would pack up my carriage with whatever clothing I grabbed last minute, my spell book and dagger, and like no less than eight people. Not a tent or sleeping bag between us, we somehow all slept in that tiny carriage like sardines in a can (and trust me, after three days of that we all smelled like them too). Well, I am not as young as I used to be and now I bring every creature comfort I can fit in my compact sport utility carriage wherein I am the only passenger. I also shove things I don't even need and will probably never even use into Trent's very large carriage just to have even more stuff. Better safe than sorry, right? 

We're gonna need a bigger horse

What could you possibly need to transport besides the bare necessities you ask? You didn't ask? Well, I'm going to tell you anyways, because you never know when one of those unnecessary items will become the most necessary thing on site.

Alcohol. “But Zarine, this is ToC!” Yes, yes, I know that most of us consider all the booze we can find to be totally crucial for this weekend. Yet there are people who attend this annual event who do not imbibe at all. We have a special word for those people: Losers. But, we should respect their decision to be such and concern ourselves only with not being such. If you think you've packed enough hooch, yet you still have space in your carriage, then pack some more. There is always someone who either forgot, couldn't afford it, didn't have room for it, is just a freeloader, or many other reasons where they may have need of your extra stash. And of course you can always contribute to the League meeting or the Fine Ladies Society's tasting.

Horse reviving cables. You know that awkward moment when you are ready to leave for breakfast but your horse is dead? Well, they make these magical cables that transfer some of the life force of a healthy horse into your totally dead horse. Simply hook them together with these special clamps, and voila, your off to breakfast. You would be amazed at how many times only one person on site has these special cables. If you own a horse, you should have them.

Cosmetic face paint. Yes, I know that this is a war tournament, but that doesn't mean you can't look nice. This is mostly for the ladies, but some gentlemen prefer to wear it as well. You should probably stick to a minimal amount while actually fighting and don't be cheap; get the expensive stuff that isn't going to sweat off into your eyeballs and make you question your poor life decisions.

More food. Think you packed enough to not starve all weekend? Well you may have, but someone else may not have. The less fortunate among us need sustenance as well and being part of a community means taking care of everyone in it. Be a good Realmsie and feed your friends. Be an even better one and feed your enemies too.

Extra tents and bedding. Someone will forget theirs. Someone's will get wet for whatever reason best not known to the rest of us. A couple may have a fight and a gentleman may need new accommodations. These things happen and these desperate souls will now be forever in your debt for your timely assistance.

There are many other completely needless things you can bring along. I use maybe a quarter of what I tote to the lands of Creathorne, yet I fill my carriage up anyways. People are always asking me for items that they may have forgotten as they know that I am a storehouse of useless paraphernalia. So please, bring lots of things so that they have someone else to mooch off of.

You see, dear reader, things that seem completely unnecessary can be of great use in certain situations, and wouldn't you like to be useful for once?

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.