AITA - An Ask Zarine Special Edition Series

  by Sara "Zarine" Jessop

Issue #5: Introspective Night Elf

Dear Madam Zarine,        

I'm considered an oldbie by many, yet 'oldbie' only meant anyone who had been adventuring more than seven years when I started. And when one started adventuring, one could be anything and become anything they wished!

And then, these quiet, plague and death-filled years have been forced upon us.  When hearing about any adventures to be had of any type in the latter half of the 'thousand and teens', I have found I've become desperate for a crumb, a shred of being remembered (for good or for not-so-good-life lessons), instead of enjoying the recounting of tales with new(er) heroes that saved the day.  And said heroes will always stay about the same age, as I age out.

AITA for not wanting to fade away quietly?  AITA for wishing to be in the spotlight once again, when rightly it ought to be with adventurers younger and more active than myself?

Sincerely,

Introspective Night Elf

Dear Introspective Night Elf,

These ‘quiet, plague and death-filled years’ have caused all of us to be a bit more introspective than usual. When one has a lot of time on one’s hands, one’s mind tends to wander. And it doesn’t usually lead down a road filled with happy trees. Oh no, it wanders deep into the forest of hateful trees that say hurtful things like ‘you’re ugly’, ‘you’re not good enough’, and ‘no one wears that style anymore’. It’s enough to make you want to burn down that stupid forest and laugh at the ashes for being more grey than your once beautifully lustrous hair. Sadly, burning down the forest will do nothing to silence the voices. If anything, it just makes them louder.

Due to a lack of in person gatherings, we’ve resorted to more modern ways of communication. I don’t pretend to be an expert on how the elves manage to deliver our messages to everyone all at once in an instant, I assume some sort of secret magic stored in the points of their ears. These more modern methods tend to attract more… well, more people born closer to the modern day. The voices in the ethereal room are suddenly younger, less experienced, and very excitable. They say new fangled words like ‘yeet’ and ‘equality’ and are named after things in popular culture that we have never even heard of. These young, vibrant, optimistic fools have become the louder faction, and it can be hard to hear your own voice drowned out by a tidal wave of change.

It’s not just new blood that washes away the past. Sometimes it’s your peers that manage to do that. People tell stories of the old days and tick off names of important people that were there and hardly ever mention me. Was I invisible then? Or just that forgettable? It’s hard to realize you just weren’t that important or memorable to people who are important and memorable to you. No matter who or what is making you feel this way, you needn’t remain a footnote in history. It’s never too late to step into the spotlight, and as long as you aren’t dimming someone else’s light to make yours shine brighter (because who would become famous that way, am I right?) I don’t see how anyone could possibly fault you for your late life ambitions.

I don’t think I was wrong for wanting to be noticed, and I don’t think you are either. The desire to be accredited for your accomplishments is not, in and of itself, amoral. Stepping back and allowing the younger generation to step up doesn’t mean that we need to be forgotten. We’re not dead, just older and wiser and drinking at the fire while the ambitious youths who still have two good knees and the ability to drive a carriage after dark are out saving the world.

So, unless you act on those feelings in some abhorrent way, I don’t think you are the arsehole.

Verdict: Not the Arsehole.

So, general plebs of the land, do you think they are an arsehole? No? Maybe? Well, don’t hold back, we all want to know! Feel free to weigh in in the comments.

Have a query about your potential arseholishness? You can send your questions directly to me  (sarajjessop@gmail.com if you have no other contact information for me) or you can reach me through the View’s offices at  areni.daru@gmail.com .

AITA - An Ask Zarine Special Edition Series

 by Sara "Zarine" Jessop

Issue #4: Guarding the Dark

So there I was, guarding an incoming portal. My boss was all over my, er, butt, about letting stinking humans get by me. Well today I was not gonna let that happen. Sure enough, POP, a bunch of humans, and human like things, (Elves, humans, all of them seem to be half somethings, how can you tell the difference, right?). Anyway, so POP! a bunch of them suddenly gate in. it's not like we had a warning, it's all dark down here. Me and some buddies form up a line, the humans seem to be just full of surprises. Now I have been around a few casters, I know a thing or two about spells, and magic items. So it's not really surprising when this tall one and this other tall one, both in full armor with big weapons, start raising each other anytime one of them is down. Great, this guarding gig is going to be harder than normal. Usually down here nothing much happens, a Genie gets loose, living statues, a mysterious door opens or closes, rooms full of bugs, the normal stuff.

So we form up some lines, we push them back and a few of them keep getting up. Now I know what a troll looks like, and this one that kept getting up weren’t no troll. So I started hitting it, a lot, and instead of becoming a gooey mess, little pieces of itself keeps forming back together. Well shit on me, this is not how I have seen other thing regenerate. Must be an item or something really special.

The fight is not really going our way at the moment, so I really want to go help my buds, and I could not have this one get up behind us. I had to stop him from regenerating. Now understand, I did not want any items, the boss’s just take em from us, and all we get is more guarding work to try to get more. So I really don’t give a bless about keeping anything. I just want this invader to stay down. If it stays down I can then go help the rest of my guys. So I start searching it. And as I find things I am just kind of throwing the things behind me. pick up their weapon, hit them, check to see if they are still regeneration, yes toss. Pick up something else, is this a belt pouch? Yes, hit them with my weapon, still regenerating? Yes toss. Search some kind of stick off its back, hit it again, still regenerating, Crap! how much stuff does this one have?

While I was getting very distracted by this, the fighting kind of got out of hand and the boss’s pulled us back to a better position. But one of the bosses asked me why I did not keep the stuff? (so I could “give” it to them, no doubt).

I told him I did not want the stuff, I just wanted this one to stop getting up so I could protect our line and help my buds. Am I the Arsehole for searching stuff off it and not keeping it?

Signed

Guarding the Dark

Dear Guarding the Dark,

I am going to assume common is not your first language so I have taken the liberty of correcting some of your spelling and grammar mistakes. As much as I like to publish letters ‘as is’, I just couldn’t in good conscience leave some of them for all to see. Think of the children. Though if anyone is letting their children read anything I write those children already have bigger issues.

So if I am reading this correctly, you are asking if you are the Arsehole for *checks notes* not stealing? On the surface, this seems like an easy one, however there are a lot of variables to consider. For instance, I am assuming that since you refer to ‘half-human-like-somethings’ that you come from a more, uh.. monstrous society? Not knowing the customs of your culture, it’s hard to say if your boss being angry at you for blithely disregarding potential valuables from your enemy's regenerating corpse is abnormally problematic or not. It could very well be that your entire societal structure hinges on that loot and you just left it there. Could also be that your boss is just a greedy overlord who exploits his guard’s diligent expulsion of intruders for his own personal gain.

Is collecting the loot within your job description? The only information I have is that you are a  ‘guard’; your responsibilities could be quite varied. Did you sign any kind of contract or is there an employee handbook stating the regulations for divvying up, uh… unclaimed property? Sounds like perhaps you need to renegotiate how loot received on guard duty is distributed. Do you have a union? If so, you really should speak to them about addressing this issue. If not, well then you really should start one as it sounds like worker’s rights are unlikely to be a high priority in your current position.

Not having the answer to any of these questions, the only way I can really judge this is using my own set of questionable morals. It sounds to me like you were simply trying to keep a good cadaver down, and quickly too so that you could get back to helping your friends. You didn’t need the copious amount of items the corpse was carrying (really, it doesn’t sound like they did either) so you left them behind rather than waste time gathering them all up for your greedy boss who wouldn’t reward you for collecting it anyways. If said boss wants you to loot corpses, then they should either compensate you accordingly or loot them them damn selves. I can’t see where not stealing from a corpse while there is still a battle to be fought would make you an arsehole.

Verdict: Not the Arsehole

So, general plebs of the land, do you think they are an arsehole? No? Maybe? Well, don’t hold back, we all want to know! Feel free to weigh in in the comments.

Have a query about your potential arseholishness? You can send your questions directly to me  (sarajjessop@gmail.com if you have no other contact information for me) or you can reach me through the View’s offices at  areni.daru@gmail.com .

AITA - An Ask Zarine Special Edition Series

by Sara "Zarine" Jessop

Issue #3: Exhausted and Out of Spells

Dear Madame Zarine

I have been in the Realms for years now. I have met extremely lovely people who I would give my life for, or better yet live for so that I may protect them. 

Then there are those whom I despise. Who’s actions and corner cutting and backstabbing sour my stomach. They lie and cheat and are selfish in our adventures who swoop in once all those at the frontline have either been successful/killed/or distracted by combat to reap the rewards. They are obvious favorites of gods because their magic and armor are endless and I envy their blessing. 

As blatant as this is, all of the people of the Realms love them. They are held on pedestals and patted on the head and encouraged to milk their deities' graces.  They are never called upon their hoarding of treasures. While we protect them through our adventures and tarnish ourselves with blood sweat and tears, they proclaim to be the heroes of the day while we are tossed to the side as useless pawns. 

I feel wrong for having this bitterness boil in me, but am I wrong?

AITA for not loving these people? AITA for thinking they are despicable and need to be punished like the spoiled rotten children they are behaving like? AITA for intentionally not being nice to them and plotting with others to commit atrocities that will lead to their downfall? 

Sincerely,

Exhausted and Out of Spells

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Dear Exhausted and Out of Spells, 

This is actually three questions and you spelled ‘Madam’ wrong, but I am nothing if not forgiving so I shall answer your questions. Yes, all three of them. Some of this is similar to a question I already answered, so for my feelings on ‘jumping the line and collecting loot like an opportunistic twit’ please refer to Issue #2: Frustrated Front-Line Fighter.

Now, as for them being ‘favored by their gods’ I am going to assume from context that you mean ‘drawing upon more power than the rest of us are blessed with’. I too have encountered these adventurers. The ones who never seem to run out of magical energies. They always have a spell handy, even though they clearly used their daily allotment hours ago when we were stuck on that bridge because we couldn’t figure out that puzzle that was there for literally no discernible reason. 

We could call it a lot of different things; over channeling, favored by the gods, fraud, fortuitous tidings, aggressive borrowing … but the word for this in the mundane language is ‘cheating’. I like that word because it feels harsh and wrong, so that’s the one I’m going to go with. Why do we allow it, this cheating? It clearly bothers people to the point of plotting crimes of their own, so why don’t we do something about it?  I’ll tell you why. No one likes a cheater when they are cheating against them. However, a whole lot of people love a cheater when they are cheating for them. Yes, there are a few who are legitimately good and just people who would call those folks out regardless of if it benefited them. Unfortunately those types are in limited supply and we recently lost one of them. Most people either encourage ‘helpful cheating’, or at the very least overlook it - victimless crime and all that. Add to that the political and social ramifications involved in calling someone out for something ‘harmless’ and most people will just look the other way. 

So we all turn a blind eye while these fine patrons of more powerful gods than the rest of us worship are running amuck with unlimited power and ever growing egos. Do we think this won’t become a problem eventually? That literally sounds like an exact description of like, eighty percent of the articulate villains we’ve fought in these lands. Perhaps this is where our villains come from. Not from far off lands, born under a bad sign or cursed by an even bigger and badder villain. But from here, from our own ranks. The evil within them lovingly curated by us, the citizens of the Realms. We saw it at its infancy, and instead of doing something about it we nurtured it and fed it until it grew out of control. Suddenly, we shun them when they step over some invisible line that moves constantly, then act surprised when they destroy a few nations, move into an abandoned castle, and spend the rest of their natural (and unnatural, I suppose) lives trying to destroy all of us. 

So, are you the arsehole for not loving these people? No, you’re not. You don’t have to like anyone. And you especially don’t have to like people who actively work against the common good in the guise of helping us succeed. There are actually quite a few folks who dislike these people, they just don’t want to make a political and/or social misstep and actually admit it outside their own circles. 

Are you the areshole for thinking they are despicable and need to be punished like the spoiled rotten children they are behaving like? Again, no. These problems need to be dealt with lest they become bigger problems later. As much as I said we create these problems ourselves, that does not mean that the offenders are absolved of responsibility. We create the bigger problem by not dealing with the smaller problems from the start. They start the fire, but we throw on more kindling rather than attempting to put it out, so to speak. So they are sort of the arseholes, but honestly the collective population of the realms are the real arseholes for allowing it to continue and maybe we deserve what we get. 

Are you the arsehole for intentionally not being nice to them and plotting with others to commit atrocities that will lead to their downfall? Alright, so you might be the arsehole here, but I suppose it really depends. Have they already become a supervillain beyond saving? Then no, you're not the arsehole, you're just doing what needs to be done at this point. Are they still savable? Then yes, you’re an arsehole for being a shady little walnut who takes them out from the shadows rather than facing the problem head on. Two wrongs don’t make a right, sadly. Punishing ‘problem adventurers’ should really be a realms-wide effort done openly and honestly and not the secret agenda of small groups on witch hunts. But then again, if no one is willing to do anything about it, sometimes you just need to be the arsehole and take matters into your own hands. 

Verdict: Well, two out of three isn’t bad and you're mostly not the arsehole. Though since you are a part of the greater realms community and really we’re all the arseholes for putting up with this cocamamie, then in a roundabout way you kind of are the arsehole. 

So, general plebs of the land, do you think they are an arsehole? No? Maybe? Well, don’t hold back, we all want to know! Feel free to weigh in in the comments. 

Have a query about your potential arseholishness? You can send your questions directly to me  (sarajjessop@gmail.com if you have no other contact information for me) or you can reach me through the View’s offices at  areni.daru@gmail.com . 

AITA - An Ask Zarine Special Edition Series

Issue #2: Frustrated Front Line Fighter

Dearest Zarine,

I am a front line fighter, and have been one my whole adventuring career. It’s a job that I enjoy, so I make no complaints about it at all. We all have roles to play in a functioning questing party and, of course, the role of the front line is to do the bulk of the work killing the most consistent assault of monsters toward the group. Of course this job would be impossible without an effective dynamic of fighters and support casters working together and because of that there are a number of people that are stationed on that front line killing monsters for most of the quest.

This role necessitates being in long sustained engagements with bad guys and as the quest nears it’s inevitable end and those bad guys get tougher, even to the extent of the Big Bad, those fights get longer and require more sustained effort to win. Most of the questing party at that point are focused on those last few fights, but not everyone.

More times than I can count, right at the end of the quest while most of the party is fighting that final conflict, a few self-motivated individuals slip past that engagement and are the first to make their way to the inevitable magic item that lays at the end. They are then, of course, the first to lay hands on that item and therefore claim it as their own.

For many, many years that was just the accepted order of things. Of course many people did not like it but it was a social norm. What could you do? Then one day I decided to do something.

After the Big Bad was defeated while the sneaky crew was holding the item in their hands, I made the proclamation that I was not going to let the situation alone and I told them that under penalty of death they were going to hand over the item and that the entire questing party would then decide through democratic process who most deserves to walk away with the item.

This resulted in some argument. The sneaky crew did not want to hand over the item. Several other members of the party agreed that although they did not like it, that was the social norm that needed to be stuck with. But most of the group stood behind my declaration and under fear of death the sneaky crew handed over the item and a discussion and vote was held. The item ended up going to a support caster that had worked hard on the front line all day.

So what do you think? AITA for flaunting the norms and threatening members of my own questing party with death over material goods?

- Frustrated Front Line Fighter

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Dear Frustrated Front Line Fighter, 

You asked ‘ AITA for flaunting the norms and threatening members of my own questing party with death over material goods?’, but I don't see this as being about material goods. This is about entitlement. In this case, retrieval of the item isn’t the problem, it’s the feeling of entitlement gained by years and years of bad precedent.

Could the sneaky crew have retrieved the item without the help of the rest of the party? Likely not. If they were truly sneaky, would you have ever even known about the item in question, also likely not. So assuming that these despots couldn’t have gotten the item without the help of the frontline fighters, support casters, puzzle solvers, etc, in my not so humble opinion the item does not belong only to them but to everyone who played a part in retrieving it. 

Just because we’ve always played by the ‘finders keepers’ mentality doesn’t mean that we need to continue in that vein. Maybe twenty years ago that attitude was fine, but the Realms has changed since then. Magic items have no real value beyond their actual magical ability, most of which is only situationally useful. There is no reason for someone to walk around with thirty seven magic items that provide them no benefit. Congratulations, you were opportunistic and your reward is you get to carry a bunch of useless crap on your belt. Or better yet, lock it away in a closet where no one gets to use it. That’s your right per the status quo, right? 

Wrong. Status quo means ‘the existing state of affairs’. Well, the existing state of affairs can change any time we want it to. Perhaps we’d now like the societal norm for dealing with loot found on our weekend quests to be ‘giving it to the person who would benefit most as decided by the entire adventuring party.’ But the only way for the status quo to change is for someone to challenge it. 

While your chosen tactic for dealing with the ‘sneaky crew’ might have been a bit harsh, I’ve been around enough to know that sometimes death threats are the only way to get through to people that you are serious. I’ve also never owned a magical artifact, so maybe it’s time to start employing this tactic. Death is cheap in these lands anyways, so if I were them and was truly intent on keeping the items I would have just said ‘alright, stab me then and see how that goes.’ But clearly the sneaky crew either hasn’t been around that long or doesn’t have an angry mob at their disposal. You were willing to kill for your beliefs but they clearly weren’t willing to die for theirs, so you win. 

So are you the arsehole for forcing a change to a bad precedent? No. I’d say they are the arseholes for skipping ahead on the quest and grabbing the item for themselves. You are, however, an arsehoel for mixing up ‘flaunt’ and ‘flout’. I mean, unless you truly meant you were flaunting your norms, in which case, flaunt away. 

Verdict: Not the Arsehole 

So, general plebs of the land, do you think they are an arsehole? No? Maybe? Well, don’t hold back, we all want to know! Feel free to weigh in in the comments. 

Have a query about your potential arseholishness? You can send your questions directly to me  (sarajjessop@gmail.com if you have no other contact information for me) or you can reach me through the View’s offices at  areni.daru@gmail.com . 

Ask Zarine #7

 by Sara "Zarine" Jessop

Dear Madam Zarine

It has been quite a long time since we have all gotten together in our normal questing and feasting fashion. I miss everyone terribly as I had just become accustomed to this new land and culture. Which means it will be even more amazing and joyous when we all gather again! But I am starting to get to my wits end. I have completed all of the tasks I have wanted during this separated time. Improved clothing, weapons, and trinkets. Even taking up journaling. What would you recommend to do to pass the time?

Sincerely,

Bored And Crawling Up The Walls

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Dear Bored,

I can completely sympathize with your problem. At first I was quite content to stay at home and finally have some time to myself. Constantly entertaining others is quite rewarding work but it can also become a bit tedious. You know what's more tedious though? Listening to Sven and Miguel argue over soup seasoning for the forty-seventh consecutive day. Yes, my household has become stir crazy and they are all acting like fools.

Did you know, my dears, that 'stir' in the term 'stir crazy' is slang for 'prison'? Well, if you were using your recess from normal life to study the etymology of phrases to use while dispensing free advice maybe you would have. Learning new things is a great way to pass the time and as someone who will need to listen to you all on a regular basis when things are once again routine, improving your vocabulary would be a fantastic place to start. As someone who has to read what you all have to say while we are socially distancing, grammar would be an even better place to begin.

Since you mentioned journaling I assume that you like to write. There are many places where your prose could be useful. The folks here at The View are always looking for content and accept all sorts of features in a variety of mediums. You could start your own publication if you desire more freedom, though I warn you with too much freedom comes much postponement of actual work especially if you are easily distracted. I find that having clear goals for writing can help you procrastinate less, which is why I like a combination of writing for multiple publications with varying degrees of expectations and deadlines.

While the above are great suggestions to help battle your ennui (which is pronounced like ahn-wee by the way, you uncultured harlequins) they don't do a lot to battle the loneliness caused by isolation. If you don't live in a home full of vibrant and entertaining people like I do you may find yourself craving social interaction. And even if you do, you might find yourself craving it with different people than the ones with which you have been sequestered. I suggest finding a way to still be social but from a distance.

Have you considered having a pen pal? I know what you are thinking, 'pen pals are for school children'. Well, my darling, you are wrong. Letter writing is an art form, my dears. It is also an excellent way to get to know someone new! Someone should start a pen pal program, like a matchmaking service for aspiring letter writers. Maybe I'll start one if the boredom becomes too much to bear.

You mentioned that you are new to these lands, and what better way to learn more about them and it's people than by helping me with my new project. The Public Information Society is always looking for folks to add to our archives. Many people seem reluctant to gossip lately so we could use a social, friendly person to convince them to do so. Perhaps if they don't like writing and you do, you could offer to write down their information for them. You'd be getting to know people from a distance and helping out with an ambitious new project that could use some more hands.

There have been a number of successful socially distanced gatherings in The Realms in the last several months. We seem to have found a way to project our voices and even our images across great distances. I have no idea how this is done from a technical standpoint, but I'm sure it's some kind of magic. There is one coming up in just a few weeks. The annual Black and White ball will be happening, presumably from the respectable distance once should stand from their dance partner. I wouldn't know, I've never been one to maintain a proper waltzing distance. But while these gatherings may be different than we are used to, they are nevertheless a way for us to maintain some sort of normalcy in a very abnormal time. I plan on attending and you should as well. If nothing else, we should support the folks who are trying their best to alleviate our boredom.

All of this seclusion can be hard on folks. Even introverts need some outside interaction from time to time and can struggle with long term isolation. Those magical means of communicating I mentioned previously have gotten far more advanced in recent years, presumably due to running out of the elves who used to deliver all of our communication. Find some friends to communicate with regularly, and make sure to have a trusted group that you can contact if you are having a really tough time. Visit the Realms Tavern and have a chat with other folks who are likely just as desperate for interaction as you are. You never know who you might meet there.

Just remember, you are not truly bored out of your mind unless you randomly cause a scene on the town common. Shouting obscenities, posting controversial opinions on the job board, removing other people's postings or just tacking your own directly on top of theirs, digging through the trash pile for last years arguments to rehash, and my favorite; reminding people that we should all just get along in the way most likely to cause an altercation. You should try it, it's great fun... I'm just kidding, please don't. In fact, stay away from the common. There isn't a lot of sense there.

I hope that some of these suggestions were helpful. Even if they weren't, reading it took up some time out of your already self described monotony, I suppose. I am nothing if not a reliever of people's dull and uninteresting lives, after all. Happy to be of service. 

Ask Zarine #6

by Sara "Zarine" Jessop

Dear Madam Zarine,

There's someone I care about a lot that is in my group and I think it's probably mutual, but I'm worried that if I act on it anyway, if it works out or not, it will make things strange for our other friends. They dated someone who is also in the group, though that person rarely plays and shows up now they're still friends with everyone. I'm sure there's no perfect answer to all of this but what's the best way to minimize the damage that might be caused?

- Realms Romeo

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It's not often that people realize that their association with each other also affects folks outside of that relationship. All of our interactions have consequences on those close to us. Our communities are closely intertwined and can easily be disrupted by the relations of others. That being said, sometimes you need to do what is right for yourself. We have no way of knowing the future, other than through seer spells which tend to be vague and only understood after the events have come to pass, which quite frankly makes them rather useless in my opinion. All that we can do is ponder the effect that our choices might have in the here and now and hope that the future works out in the best interest of everyone.

Let me tell you about two wonderfully lovely people that I know... well, one of them is lovely, the other is a bit of a disgruntled old curmudgeon. Anyways, these two were going through life as very close friends. They used to jest about how they would make great second spouses to each other someday, as they knew their relationships with their current companions were doomed to failure. They knew their current relationships were tolerable if not great, their relationship with each other was good the way it was, and their friends all around them were happy with the way things were. Why shake up the status quo when it was working for so many other people? But eventually love finds a way, or so I am told by people with more of a romantic outlook on life than myself, and at long last they found themselves in a relationship with each other and you know what they discovered? That their friends and family were not only happy for them but that they had been waiting for them to come to their senses and get together for years.

The people around you are not blind. Oftentimes they can see what's right for us even before we see it for ourselves. All of their friends could see that they were meant for each other and most were willing to sail through some rougher waters for a few months while everything settled into place so that two people that they cared about could find happiness in another port. And the ones who weren't, well some were people who needed to be cut loose anyways, and others maybe just needed some time to come to their senses. But eventually the dust settled and everyone found comfort in the new status quo.

So what happens when those two inevitably break up? I have no idea. The two twits are still together somehow, defying everything I know about love and it's inescapable suffocation that slowly kills everyone involved until someone finally gasps for air and destroys the illusion. But I can tell you from the experience of watching it happen to many others that communication seems to work best. Your friends will take their queues on how to handle the situation from the two of you. It might be awkward for a bit on either end, but the more open and honest you are the more your friends will be put at ease about it and become more accepting. The same goes if you decide to end the relationship. Let them know how you plan to handle it and what you expect of them as your friends. If it's an amicable break up it will be much easier of course. If the two of you create a war zone, well don't be surprised when your friends take up arms and join the fray.

So, the real question is, how much do you love this person? Because there is a possibility that this will negatively impact others. And of course there is the possibility that it could ruin your friendship. Some say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I find that to be utter rubbish. It isn't always better. Every possible couple combination in the world has a different answer to the question 'is it worth it', and only you can decide that.

Of course, we still don't know if this mysterious other person even reciprocates your feelings, so step one would be figuring that out. If they don't, well then none of this even matters and you are worrying over nothing. If you wait too long they may assume you aren't interested and find someone else. Life is shorter than you think, so don't waste it worrying about 'what ifs'. We regret the things we didn't do far more than the things we did.

And when this all crashes down and you find yourself miserable and alone, come have a cup of tea with someone who knows all too well the cost of misplaced love. You can tell me about how terrible it all was while I wallow in the depths of someone else's misery for a while and reaffirm my own status quo.

Ask Zarine #5

Mad'am Zarine,

I guess I can best sum up my problem by saying, I don't feel good enough. I look around me at a lot of my friends that I've known for years and I see people who are accomplished fighters or questers and friends who are leaders and I've never just really clicked with any aspect of the Realms. I just kind of feel like I'm here and that's the whole story. I do my best to cast spells when questing, I've gone to fight practices but I don't feel like I've actually become great at those things. I worry that people just sort of put up with me. What can I do to stand out or to feel more like I belong?

- Feeling Unvalued in Valehaven

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Oh, my poor dear, I know this problem only too well. When I first came to these lands I didn't know my place but plenty of other people seemed to think that they did. Instead of helping me to explore where I fit they tried to put me in a box. The box was determined by ridiculous things like being a girl, being young, who my friends were, what I looked like, and other absurd observations.

For years I tried to fit in that box that everyone else had made for me. Like you, I tried to be a good quester and cast my little stone heart out trying to save the realms from whatever new threat had emerged that weekend to disrupt our ill conceived gathering. I went to fight drills and tried my best, but there wasn't much training being done for my skill set and so I feebly tried to swing a sword that was far too large and heavy for my liking. While that did give me some useful experience in regards to handling parts of my professional life now, I find that even in that arena I would have been far better off practicing with a dagger.

I also felt like people were simply putting up with me. I was just there, like a painting. Sometimes people looked at me and thought I was pretty and I felt so relieved that at least I wasn't useless. At least the box I was in was wrapped in lovely paper and tied with a neat little bow. When life gives you lemons make lemonade, right?

I took somewhat of a hiatus from social gatherings after my divorce and when I came back I found myself in the same damn box. Or perhaps I never quite left it. But either way I still felt like that background character in a play that has two lines that no one remembers, only that they had the most awkward delivery of all time. But time away and new experiences had taught me a lot and I wasn't the same shy and submissive young woman that I used to be. I wasn't alright with 'just making the best of it' anymore.

So why have I turned your question into a tale about myself? Because my earlier days in the Realms are a cautionary tale, dear Unvalued. I allowed other people to mold how I participated in my own life. I allowed other people's opinions to define me. It wasn't until I stopped caring about fitting into their preposterous box that I found out who I was. I was more than a pretty package. I was bigger than that tiny little container that they put me in. I was more than good enough.

So stop letting other people define you. You don't stand out when you try to fit into their box. If you're not good at the things that they are trying to wedge you into, find something else. Stop working so hard to fit into someone else's mold. That mold wasn't meant for you. There are more things to do in these lands than be a 'caster' or a 'fighter'. Think outside the bloody rule book and find your own path. Start working on accepting yourself for who you are and stop worrying about how other people see you. Start embracing what you are good at instead of what other people want you to do. Write your own damn story.

Turns out, when life gives you lemons you can make whatever the bloody hell you want to make with them. And if people don't like what you make, so what? Do you like it? Because that's what matters. So keep trying new recipes until you find the one you like, and don't worry, I promise you won't run out of lemons.

Ask Zarine

by Sara "Zarine" Jessop

"How do I teach werewolves table manners?"

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Oh, honey...

I don't have any experience in training werewolves. Where I come from we kept our dogs outside. However, I have lived in Invictus for several years now and I've lived with both Trent and Daekara, so I do have some experience in the area of teaching resistant, crazed lunatics how to behave properly for brief periods of time.

Change like this does not happen overnight. Well, I mean, unless there is a full moon. So, I suppose firstly you'll want to do this at whatever time of the cycle that werewolves are at their most domesticated, and for goodness sake, don't let them know what you are trying to do! If they get the slightest hint that you are attempting to change them for the better they will very likely run for the hills and then you'll be even further from success than when you started. This would all be much easier and less dangerous if they want to learn, so tricking them into having a desire to become more well mannered is highly recommended. Perhaps give them a small treat when they do well. They will associate that with good behavior and want to improve.

Typically I would start with general manners if they do not possess them. Saying excuse me, please, and thank you, are basic staples of good comportment in any situation. Easy things like keeping elbows off the table, using a napkin instead of their arm, and actually using the flatware instead their hands are all obvious and fairly easy things to learn. They are either doing it or they are not. Make sure that they have these basic things down before moving onto more complex things like multiple forks, big and small spoons, and other things that sound dirty but are legit things everyone should know about table settings.

Adults, much like children, learn by example. Invite people to dine with you who already bear the ability to eat in a sophisticated and refined manner. I would gladly help in this endeavor. In fact, if you have specific individuals in mind, I would gladly host a nice dinner for them at Alchimia Lupinaar. Being in an environment that fosters a more elegant and formal ambiance will make it easier to break old habits, trust me.

Let us remember, I was not brought up to be as I am, I had to learn. And I didn't have the luxury of someone to teach me other than myself. Good breeding means nothing. Plenty of us mongrels have elevated ourselves beyond our so called 'birthrights'. If a dock tramp's daughter can learn how to tell a salad fork from a soup spoon, I'm fairly certain a werewolf, or any manner of creature with the propensity for intelligent cooperation within society, can do the same. It might be more difficult, but anything worth doing often is.

Good luck, my dear, you are going to need it.

Ask Zarine

Madam Zarine, Thanks for writing these! I have a problem I need advice for. I really love being a part of the Realms and I want to be an important heroic person like a lot of the people I look up to, but if I’m honest with myself, I’m kind of dorky and there’s already lots of jokes about how awkward I am. It’s not like it’s not fun to joke about but I also kind of want to shake off that reputation and become more respected. Any advice?

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I am not sure exactly what this 'dorky' is, but it doesn't sound like a synonym for sophisticated. In fact, after asking some of the stable boys it appears that it is quite the opposite. They told me that a 'dork' is something like a 'hank', and now I am quite concerned for your well being.

Have you tried not being so awkward? It's not as difficult as one might think. I was once quite awkward myself. Growing up on the docks and aboard ship doesn't exactly lend itself to high class elegance. Not everyone is born with a silver spoon in their mouth. In fact most of the world isn't. But that doesn't mean that you cannot elevate yourself and become a person of poise and refinement.

Now of course you are wondering 'how do I do that'. Well my dear, you simply fake the ever living hell out of it until you forget that this isn't even who you are. Now, now, I am not saying to forget where you came from. Never, ever do that. Where you came from made you who you are. I am saying to focus instead on where you are going, because that is what will make you who you wish to become. Who you are isn't all you will ever be. At least, it doesn't have to be.

Take a glance at the people that you look up to. Observing them will give you the answers you need on how to be more like them. Of course, you don't want to be exactly like them. That would be quite boring. You should want to surpass them.

How do they carry themselves? I'm quite sure that they are confident and well spoken. Confidence comes with accomplishments and accomplishments come with time. Go out and become good at something. Become the best at it. Win an award for it. You'll still think that you are terrible at it, but others won't, and that's good enough.

What is it about them that makes them heroic? People don't decide to be heroes and leaders, they just are. And this whole 'people are born heroes' is a load of rubbish. People aren't born as anything other than crying, tiny bundles of annoyance. Your experiences and choices make you heroic or cowardly, follower or leader. Most folks fall somewhere in the middle, though probably closer to cowardly follower if we are being honest. You can't 'want' to be a hero. In fact, that's just the surest way to never be one. Most heroes are humble people who never set out to be important and the best leaders are the ones who never wanted it.

Just live your life the way you want to. You might become a hero or a leader, and you might not. The important thing is that you respect who you are. Respect is earned, and the most important person from whom to earn it is yourself. People will treat you how you show them you wish to be treated. One of my heroes once said that 'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent'. If you feel inferior, then do something about it. If you don't, then don't.

People are always going to pick on you. That doesn't change no matter how well respected you are. The difference is that once you are well respected you can sort your friends from your enemies quite easily because only your friends will continue to do it to your face. If your friends are teasing you, it is most likely that they are well meaning and simply want to include you. But if it bothers you, stand up for yourself. It sounds as if you are alright with some good natured joking, but there is a line somewhere that they sometimes cross. Don't be afraid to show them where the line is. Trust me.

Good luck to you, my dear, it sounds like you are going to need it.

Have a burning question for Zarine? Send it along to areni.daru@gmail.com!

Ask Zarine

Dear Madam Zarine, I’m new to the community and I went to Tourneys of Creathorne a couple weeks ago and mostly had an amazing time. It was fun watching people fight and I even competed a little bit. The evenings were also a lot of fun watching people celebrate, but I just didn’t feel like I fit in with anyone. I’m introverted so it’s hard to just put myself out in social situations. What should I do next time to find a way to click with people and have as much fun as they’re having?

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Many people might think that this is a difficult question for me to answer because clearly I have many acquaintances and I always know just what to say. The truth, my dear, is that I haven't always been that way. There was a time when I was new to these lands and quite shy. There are probably some who wish that I would go back to being so quiet and unassuming, but once you find your confidence you'll find that it can be quite intoxicating and you'll want to flaunt it at every opportunity. But how do we get you there, that is the question.

Have you tried drinking? I find that whenever I am feeling a bit bashful and modest all it takes is a few drinks to loosen me up and suddenly I feel much more friendly and uninhibited. Now, being new I wouldn't suggest over imbibing, you'll want to keep your wits about you as you don't know who to trust yet, so find that fine line between overconfident stupidity and social awkwardness and you'll be all set.

If you don't drink, or can't drink, quite frankly things might be more difficult as you are going to have to actually address your problem head on. In the end this is probably for the best, but truthfully it's a lot of work that I personally would prefer to skip and skipping all the healthy coping mechanisms is why I am such a well balanced individual. So take that under advisement.

Tournaments of Creathorne is a rather large event with a lot of craziness going on. Some people thrive in that type of imbecility and some do not. If you are the shy type, I would assume that you would not. Perhaps try smaller gatherings where it is easier to meet people and the people you might meet could possibly be sober at some point during the weekend. While at a larger gatherings such as ToC, find the smaller gatherings within it. Befriend someone who can bring you around to the different fire pits and find ones you feel comfortable at. Hang out for a while and get to know some folks. During the day on the tournament field is also a good time to visit different groups of people. It might be less intimidating than during the night, though I will warn you some inhabitants of these lands are far more frightening to look upon in the full light of day.

If you like to gamble that can be another excellent way to meet people. It can be a very social activity depending on who is around at the time and who's dealing. I you don't gamble but would like to there are always folks willing to teach new plebs like yourself, and most of them won't even take advantage of your inexperience. If gold is a problem I find that if you just stand nearish to the casino complaining about it gold just appears in your hand, or other various places if you're into that.

Have you considered that it's alright to just be shy? It's completely acceptable to simply sit and listen. Just don't be creepy about it or anything. You can learn a lot about people and the realms by paying attention to what others say, which is much easier when you aren't the one doing all the talking. You can then take all of those things you learned about folks and come sit with me and tell me all about it. I may seem intimidating because I am so popular and mean, but really I am quite easy to talk to and love conversing with new people.

If you need someone to introduce you to new people, help interject you into a conversation, or get you into a poker game, come find me. I'll make sure you're having a good time.

Ask Zarine - First Edition!!

by Sara "Zarine" Jessop

“Madam Zarane 

I had a bad breakup with my boyfriend but we’re both in the same nation and I don’t want to leave the group or come around less often. The problem is he has a prominent position in the group and I’m worried he’s going to make it more difficult for me to stay involved. What can I do to make sure I can avoid any issues that might come up?”

~Anonymous

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Oh, my poor dear. Breakups are always difficult, and it sounds as if yours is being complicated further by your proximity to each other and shared social circles. It can be a bit hard to give advice with such vague information. Knowing the reason for the breakup would allow me to give more detailed guidance. I'll just assume you spelled his name wrong, which appears to be a trend. I've discharged people from my life for less. Fortunately for you, I'm in a forgiving mood today, and I will do my best to answer your very depressing question.

I understand that you both reside in the same nation. If it is a larger nation, perhaps you can avoid each other, at least for a bit until things become less awkward. Nations are full of peasants, perhaps befriend some of them if you've had all of your vaccinations. Joining a sewing circle or a cult is also a great way to meet new plebs like yourself. Now, I am not saying that you should give up your old friends and leave your current social circle entirely, but if you had a lot of mutual friends it might be good for you to both make some separate acquaintances. It would do you both some good to have some time apart with people who have no preconceived notions of your relationship. It would also give you a friend circle to go to if he's around and your shared circle and you feel the need to remove yourself.

His issues are just that, his issues. They are none of your concern. If your nation members are truly your friends they will remain so even in the face of this debacle. If not, well, at least now you know and you can find some better friends. Should your former paramour attempt to use his higher ranking to make things difficult for you, then he his a downright arse who needs to be put in his place. Hopefully his fellows will do the noble thing and thoroughly trounce him as he deserves. However, my dear, if there is one thing I have learned in this life is that you should never expect people to do the right thing, so you will very likely have to do it yourself.

So how do you go about protecting yourself? Now, my love, I am going to get into the really important advice, so pay attention. You say he is in a prominent position in your nation? Outrank him. Become more important than his weak self esteem can handle. He can't control your position in your circle if he's beneath you. Be aware that this may take some time, but never take your eye off your goal. Eventually you'll end up on top, and then you'll command the game, and the name of the game is making sure that he doesn't ever have any power over you. The only person who should ever have power over you is, well, you.

I know this is all a lot to take in, and you are most likely in a very vulnerable spot. Just know that if you fail at taking my advice and your bygone lover causes you any emotional or physical harm, you can always come to me. No man is ever atop me unless I allow him to be, and even then I'm just lulling him into a false sense of security. I will make sure he gets taken care of. I promise.