The Grimloch Tribune

LEAD STORY – Love's Strange taste, a TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE: ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN (ONE CANNIBAL, ONE VAMPIRE)

Grimloch reported in January that two of the country's most heinous murderers apparently fell in love with each other behind the locked doors of their psychiatric institution and following a 26-day  "courtship" through letters, have decided to marry. Mr. Isakin Jonsson ("the Grimloch Cannibal") was convicted of killing, decapitating and eating his girlfriend and various other townsfolk, Mr. Jonsson was certain that he turned into a zombie despite being told other wise, and Michelle Gustafson ("the Vampire Woman") was convicted of killing a father of four, drinking his blood, then raising him as her undead minon. The love-struck Jonsson said (truthfully), "I have never met anyone like (Michelle)."

Randolph, District attorney for Grimloch, commented that the pair will almost certainly remain locked up forever; though Gustafsson wrote that she hopes they will be released to live together and "own pets and pursue our hobbies: knick knack collecting and scrapbooking."

Non-Humans' Human Rights:

Elena Zakharova of Compton, Grimloch became the most recent litigant to challenge a state law that regards Undead Soldiers as "illegal property" (and that  the owner of an injured or disfigured Soldier during a T.H.U.G.S raid is entitled to no more consideration than for a defective appliance).

She sued a local tavern “Rohde and Syruss’s Hump House and Bar” that had sold her a “life challenged friend” with allegedly bum knees and hips, claiming that Undead Soldiers were living creatures that feel love and pain and deserve to be treated better.  She asserted that they have souls and should be compensated for their pain and suffering. The case is pending.

In February, a local judge in Grimloch  heard arguments from People for the Ethical Treatment of Spells as well as from T.H.U.G.S agent (Terrors, Horrors, Undead, and Ghouls Squad) Sir Rhode, who had this to say:

“It’s a spell dammit; spells don’t have rights. No one has ever complained about abusing an Armored Cloak or said is was mistreatment when a Create Magic Weapon was left lying around by a Blacksmith.”  

A Un-BEARable Situation.

Westwood citizens are begging for help as their neighborhoods are currently being tormented by a rabid bear…WITH A KNIFE!!!!!!

Locals report that the "Badass Boo-Boo" has been bullying bystanders with a barrage of bites and stabs. Several locals have been reported slain due to the honey eating hit man.

Local Grimloch soldier Biggs responded to the crises two weeks ago.  Since then Grimloch has lost all communication with the town and no one has seen or heard from Biggs since.

A reporter caught up to Grimloch muscleman XT and asked if he had any plans on taking out the "Berenstein Bear Brawler". He had this to say:

 
“Fu@#k that man it’s a FU@#ING BEAR WITH A KNIFE, the most dangerous thing alive.”

The hibernating horror still remains at large.

Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday come to Grimloch to see the Battle of the Bayou.
Are you a fan of Grimloch-Greco wrestling? Well the masterminds that brought you that grappling grudging greatness is stepping it up a notch with full on cage fighting.

That's right for months now Warlord Jaha has been training Syruss (that’s me!) to fight his greatest challenge yet, Rhateeki, a 250 LB nightmare from Pota.

This bout is scheduled to go for five 3 minute rounds.

I caught up to our captivating competitor to get his insights on the match:

Investigative reporter Syruss: “Syruss your predictions for the fight?”

Syruss: “My prediction are simple I’m looking for a knock out in the third, if not a submission much much sooner. However the goal is to knock him out and give the crowd a show."

Investigative reporter Syruss:  “What is you game plan going into the match?”

Syruss : “The plan Jaha and I came up with is simple. Wear him down and use the fact that he is big and slow to hit him more times than he can swing. We want to keep it standing, unless he gives me an opportunity to take his back. Basically go right to work and no monkeying around.”

DELLS DAILY HOROSCOPE, a reading for upcoming Birthdays by Grimloch’s favorite Seer.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Too many details about where, who and why will be crowding your brain today, making it difficult to relax and just have a good time. Before things get too noisy inside your head, quiet the ruckus by distracting yourself. Spend some time with people you love to laugh with, and take plenty of time today to talk about lighthearted matters. Forget about things you have no control over -- by obsessing about things, you are sacrificing your strength.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

One of the many good things about having so many people in your life right now is that you always have tons of feedback available at your fingertips. So why aren't you taking advantage of this abundance of honesty? Reaching out for the opinions of others isn't a sign that you don't know what to do -- it's proof that you value what the people in your life think. Integrating their ideas and listening without criticism is something they'll really appreciate.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

 It seems as though the more things change, the more they stay the same! After a big shakeup in your work or school life (and a high level of accompanying anxiety), today you'll discover that you had nothing to worry about. Either your flexibility skills are at an all-time high, or the changes you expected weren't so drastic. Either way, you can breathe a great big sigh of relief today. This new way of doing things is just as good as the old way -- if not better.


Well that’s it for this edition; I am investigative reporter Syruss signing off saying “Stay Classy Realms.”