Thursday, July 5, 2018

What You Missed: G.O.F.E.R. T.H.R.E.E.

by Nataliya "Shader" Kostenko

If you missed GOFER 3, you missed a really good time! Shame on you, the quest was only like 3 hours--everyone has time for that. Anyway when the Ashenmark and bros contingent rolled up to the (lovely and friendly) town, there was not only food, drink, and festivity, but also quite a few people looking for our assistance. Baba Yaga was there looking sexy and stylish in her mobile hut, so Asharn and I were (obviously) trying to win her heart. Therefore I mostly missed it when Grindin, Kaelkatar, and Gordon found some dragons in another part of town that “wanted us to seal off some sort of evil so they could protect what was within” (Temorse’s inspired retelling of the request). I guess if dragons wanted us to jump off a cliff, we’d do that too. In fact, not to be a dragon racist, but the only dragon I saw (which was very beautiful, and experty manned by some clearly-heat-impervious NPCs, by the way) was trying to kill us. I don’t trust. More importantly, however, sealing off this evil required breaking into Eagle’s Rook, AKA the domain of the “Ladies Chocolate” AKA Dav Hayden AKA Sir Vawn. So of course I was 100% down to clown. Hopefully, though, we weren’t sealing off the flow of chocolate for the ladies, God forbid. The townsfolk also said something about recovering a lost child, a cursed blade, a cup, etc. We hitched a ride in secretly on a caravan and a couple of different passwords, keys, and combinations later we were in the heart of it fighting the aforementioned dragon and an equally cool hydra. There was also a ravine spider that ripped my two (2) legs off at least 27 times (each). We found A LOT of really nice rocks on the way too, some we had to knock over, some we had to stand back up, some we had to stack together at the bottom of the ravine, some were just there on the ground naturally I think, and one rock in particular was HUGE, had a face, and chased me around SO FAST. Damn yo, in 95 degree heat I’m even slower than a rock. We were so overzealous about all this that when the evil whatever it was got sealed (or unsealed, or some other loud thing happened at the end), we went out on every song and ran all the way to the front door of the dungeon instead of just outta that room. Somewhere along the way Raynor got screwed over and scalped by a (dead?) little girl, and everyone else found some cool loot. Maybe I could keep some if only I wasn’t so behind on my taxes. Upon return to the town I got straight to drinkin’ (surprisingly water, cuz it was so dang hot), but I’m sure someone in our group was a good enough samaritan to return the stuff the friendly townsfolk had wanted to them.

--Shader, over and out

P.S. Temorse’s taxes are too steep, so I can’t really buy you anything nice, but you should call me (crystal ball? Astral project? Whatever the immersion-friendly version of yo’ digits is, gurl), Babushka Yaga! You’re just about old enough for me. ;)

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