Pre-Action Intelligence Report Events Scheduled for 14 January 1023 The Feast of the Leviathan XXIV
Orion, why are you writing a military report for a feast??
Because I’ve been on battlefields that have less action than this!
In typical fashion, we will be honoring the Leviathan under cold gray skies and atop mushy and/or frozen fields. Thankfully the Scaly One has once again blessed us with a large hall in Rhiassa for the festivities. Come in, sit down, and hold on tight because we’re all in for a wild ride this year!
To say that there will be food in this hall would be an exercise in stating the obvious, except this is a Rhiassan feast we’re talking about. Lord Sir Gwen’s kitchen is as legendary as the Leviathan itself, so her presence makes this feast a must-eat event on its own. And then there’s Lord Sir Aeston’s ability to conjure up a charcuterie board of such magnitude as to even make the Gods pause.
You know what goes well with eating? Drinking! Rhiassa’s soft-drink bar will be operating again this year and will have various offerings including “hot”, “cold”, and “fizzy”. The drinks at this bar are as sober as Aeston’s speeches which means that you can consume as many as you please without any regrets later!
Before I continue, I feel compelled to say that you must inform Lord Aeston of your intention to attend this feast no later than Wednesday January 11th. Failure to do so may result in you being featured in his next charcuterie spread.
If you hunger for more than just an excellent dinner, then you can still expect to find your fill under Rhiassa’s roof. After all, is it really a Feast of the Leviathan if you aren’t presented with innumerable sources of entertainment at every possible moment? If you’re a FoTL veteran like myself, you know that you’ll be able to watch epic performances, play befuddling word games, and listen in on an important discussion about the latest threat in the Realms (this year, Squire Fern will be talking about Guthrevyn’s curse upon Eagle’s Rook). That’s a lot and it’s all very good, but it’s just the tip of the Leviathan’s tooth.
Let me tell you about mini-golf. It’s like regular golf but without all the walking. If you don’t know what regular golf is, then don’t worry about it–you’re not missing out on anything. Mini-golf is a game that has it all. Are you a fighter who likes to hit things? You can smack the ball like you’re clubbing a baby kobald! Are you a pacifist who abhors violence? Don’t worry, the ball isn’t actually a baby kobald! Do you like pretty colors and good clean fun? Aeston has a rainbow of golf balls to pick from. Do you like dominating your friends and enemies in contests of skill? Challenge them to a round of BattlePutt!
Gwen could promise to serve me nothing but sludge and Aeston could cut only the most boring cheeses in the Realms and I would still eagerly look forward to Rhiassan Mini Golf. If the Fallen King comes knocking on my door this weekend to offer his unconditional surrender, he’ll have to wait until I come back from the Gilded Lion Links. Nothing short of the literal unraveling of the fabric of reality will stop me from playing these nine holes and that’s only because you can’t play mini-golf when space and time have lost all meaning.
But wait, there’s more!
In between your tee times, you should visit the Adventurer’s Guild. They will have a series of challenges for you to complete. I have it on good authority that these tasks will be very fun and perhaps a little unusual. If that’s not enough to get you out of your seat, then perhaps the 50 prize for the cumulative winner of the day’s challenges (and 25 gold prizes for two runners-up) will be sufficiently motivating. Or perhaps material wealth is meaningless to you and your only true joy in life is creating mind-bending challenges to torment your friends, in which case you’re still in luck because the Adventurer’s Guild will be opening their doors to new recruits this year. On top of all of this, their Inscription Desk will be hosting a competition to find the best decorated schema binder.
But wait, there’s more!
Have you ever wanted to punch your friend in the head? If the answer is yes, then you should probably talk to a therapist. Also, you can metaphorically punch your friend in the head with Rock’em Pop’em Robots this weekend! These are wooden constructs with rubber inflatable heads and a singular purpose: to duel to the death! It’s up to you to control your construct and dodge, dick, dip, dive, and dodge your way around the arena while you try to commit your opponent’s construct to an explosive demise.
But wait, there’s more!
Do you wish you could move tokens around on a table but you’re too poor to play in the Stacked Deck game that is running this weekend? Make some space for one of Rhiassa’s oversized board games. You can face off against other masters of meeple-moving strategy without making your purse any lighter than it already is (unless of course your purse is full of meeple).
But wait, there’s more!
Do you need a new outfit to match your gold/meeple purse? Do you need a new purse to match your outfit? Visit the Peacock Swap Shop and ask to Shop With A Peacock! These well-decorated folks will happily bring you around to other merchants in attendance and help you along in your quest to achieve fashion excellence. Does their happiness come from the elevation of poor unfashionable souls into creatures of beauty, or are they just relieved that they no longer have to burden their vision with your previous visage? Some questions are better left unanswered.
But wait, there’s more!
Actually, is there more? The plans for the day are already stuffed full to bursting, but I’m quite sure that there will be even more to do than I’ve been able to describe here. Seriously, the Rhiassans are going to stuff our bellies full of food and our souls full of fun. I’m going to have to work hard to make sure I’m able to do everything. Maybe we can unravel the fabric of reality just a little bit to make sure there’s enough time to play all that mini-golf.
In Service to the Realms,
C.S. Orion
