Friday, September 21, 2012

The Grimloch Tribune


The Grimloch Tribune

By Callahan “Syruss” Marsden

LEAD STORY: Elven Ghosts or Elven hoax?

Earlier this summer, T.H.U.G.S (terrors, horrors, undead, ghoul squad) arrested three women believed to be tricking older women out of money and jewelry by convincing them they had evil spirits attached to them. The arrests haven't done much to stop these bizarre ghost scams plaguing the Grimloch community.

Over the weekend, two more women -- both of whom are elven and in their 60s -- were duped out of thousands of gold after multiple suspects told them they had stepped in blood and, as a result, had wicked spirits attached to them.

The suspects employed their usual M.O., telling the victims they must go home, gather all their valuables, and bring them back to the suspects for a "purification ceremony." Sadly, the women did as instructed, only to find that after the purifying ritual, they were returned empty bags; one victim alone lost 500 gold, according to T.H.U.G.S

Luckily, one of the incidents, which occurred in Compton, was caught while T.H.U.G.S agent Dell was scrying the area through his crystal ball. He saw a group of four women switching out one of the bags, then placing it in a different colored bag and walking away, according to Dell

Needless to say, these crooks are "very confident" in their abilities according to T.H.U.G.S agent XT.

Four T.H.U.G.S agents (XT, Dell, Dygen, and Sir Rohde) were following up a lead on a recent report from a small child Benny Kiderson, grandson of Martha Kiderson. He reported his grandmother had gathered up all of their valuables and told him that she was heading to a purification ceremony to get rid of some nasty ghosts.

The four men stacked up on the suspect's ( a local women named Rosa Farrell) front door. On the count of three the T.H.U.G.S agents broke into the house only to find…….. THREE FREAKING REALLY SCARY GHOSTS hovering over Martha’s unconscious body, a pile of Martha’s valuable’s, and one really butchered medium.

“HOLY CRAP!!!!” Sir Rohde screamed as one ghost flew through his body. Ser Rohde's eyes began to glow red and the skin on his face began to visibly crawl as if there were small worms wriggling just under the surface of his skin.

He drew his sword and rushed towards the rest of the T.H.U.G.S that were shocked to say the least. Before Dygen and Dell could draw steel to defend themselves Sir Rohde was already upon them and as he raised his sword to slice through Dygen he was met with a might THUMP.

XT had flown through the air all crazy dropkick style and crashed into Rohde’s shield causing him to go stumbling backwards crashing into wooden chairs.

“Dell start doing that caster thing you do!” XT shouted “ I will keep Sir F@ckface busy, don’t worry I will leave enough of him for you to raise him.” And with that XT once again took to the air in a tackling motion taking both he and Rohde out the back door.

Dell immediately took out his book of ritual magic and started chanting, his eyes glowing green with power. “DYGEN I NEED YOU TO
GET ME ONE OF MARTHA’S POSSESIONS AND A PIECE OF ONE OF THE GHOSTS!!!” Dell shouted as wind began to stir and surround him.

“How the hell does one get a piece of a ghost?” Dygen frantically inquired.

“GHOST BLADE DUH!" XT yelled from elsewhere in the house.

Dell threw Dygen a GHOST BLADED dagger, “A dagger, thanks” Dygen said as he picked up the knife off the ground.

The two ghosts came down upon Dygen who quickly avoided their ghastly grasp. He nimbly tumbled towards Martha’s items. Dygen grabbed the first thing he could reach, a small locket with a picture of Benny. “O.K lets do this, for the boy” Dygen sighed as he stood. The first ghost flew at him like a raging wind, Dygen narrowly stepped left and with the dagger in his hand and sliced the ghosts face as it flew by. A loud screech pierced the ears of everyone in the room, the ghost howled in pain and flew towards the wall vanishing from the room.

Dygen then started a quick trot over to the other ghost who was now at full speed flying towards the newest T.H.U.G.S agent. Dygen threw the GHOST BLADED dagger with everything he had, and it flew through the air fast and true; and with a surprising thud it landed in the ghosts face sending him fast backwards towards the ground.

Dygen went over grabbed the blade, twisted it, and scooped it out. “The ectoplasm on that should be enough” Dell shouted”

Dygen ran over with the blade and handed it to
DELL, who finished the incantation “From whence you came you shall remain until you are brought forth again.”

A tornado of wind started throwing things around the room in a brilliantly chaotic fashion. Elsewhere while fighting XT, Sir Rohde dropped lifeless and the ghost went hurdling towards dell and his magical vortex.

With a blinding light the ghosts where gone, the necklace was glowing and Martha woke up.

“Is it over?” Martha asked. “It is” Dell answered, as he stretched out his hand with her the necklace. “Please, please keep it. It is the least I can do and frankly I do not want anything that contains ghosts living with me and my grandson.” Martha said to Dell.

“Fair enough, if you ever have any other ghost problems you know who to call.” Dell said.

T.H.U.G.S agents managed to successfully capture the three ghosts, and Dell is currently working on a shorter version of the incantation he used should such a problem happen again…and cause its Grimloch it probably will.

A force to be reckoned with, T.H.U.G.S agent Syruss gets back to basics with a long time buddy

T.H.U.G.S agent Syruss often dabbles in the arcane arts but recent events at Creathorne this past summer has rendered Syruss cut off from his natural arcane abilities. Fortunately for him he has a few trinkets, which keep him from going through magic withdrawal.

But Syruss doesn’t believe in waiting for the full ability to come back before he starts training; So he sent a raven to a old friend from his order the “
Potentium” (which is a group of casters that believe true magic comes from ones self, and that there is no good or evil forces of magic, just forces and what you do with them.) His buddy from the order Sir Quayloth of Folkestone was happy to come to Grimloch and help Syruss regain some of his abilities.

They opened with a light martial skill work out each wielding a single short, working on parrying and closing the gap. After a while Quayloth thought it would be beneficial to start channeling some of the force to make physical attacks while fighting with single short.

He prepared the earth around by scribbling out some of his mystic runes; he drew on some of the land's natural magics and added some of his own to make a training sphere. In this sphere Syruss was able to recall and use some of the magics he lost over the past year.

Training went well, while Quayloth showed Syruss how to re-channel the force, Syruss in return helped Quayloth with his martial abilities.

With out warning the ground began to shake “YIP YIP FLESH YIP” was heard from the distance and a thunderous noise filled the air getting closer and closer.

“Um Syruss?” Quayloth ask inquisitively.

“ It sounds like a herd of infected Kobalts get ready for a fight old friend” Syruss said as he picked up another single short.

Over the hill fifteen dog-like creatures were stampeding towards them. Syruss activated his magic sword of light and cracked his neck and charged at them with no regard for personal safety. “Look for the most infected area on their body and strike there, that is their weak point.” Syruss shouted.

Quayloth sheathed his blade, his hands began to glow and he smiled a creepy smile that seem to say "finally a chance to really fight."

Quayloth blasted his magic destroying infected Kobalt after Kobalt, hitting the most infected with marksman like precision; truly years behind the bow have left him with a keen eye for openings.

As Quayloth's mana started to wane he smiled even bigger; "I got five down over here old friend what have you got left."

A few feet away a blood soaked Syruss responded “I am cleaning up number nine now”.

Where is the last one, Quayloth wondered? “YIP YIP FRESH FLESH YIP!!!!!” a scream from behind as the beast flew in the air with fangs and claws ready to kill. “NOT TODAY!” Shouted the Magic Missile Master; and with that shout Quayloth raised a hand and with his sheer force of will suspended this creature helpless in the sky.

“Neat trick bud” Syruss said.

“I ain’t done yet” responded Quayloth his left hand charging glowing brighter and brighter, “Its time for some force lighting.”

With that a surge of energy escaped down Quayloth’s arm and out of his fingertips and started to fry the Kobalt until he was no more.

“I am glad we did this training brother, got to rekindle a old magical spark and kill undead, heck maybe next time you can kill as much as me.” Syruss said laughing.

“Oh” Quayloth responded, with a sneaky smile on his face. He waved his right hand in front of Syruss, “Maybe next time you can kill as much as me.”

“I am glad we did this training brother, got to rekindle a old magical spark and kill undead, heck maybe next time I can kill as much as you.” Syruss said laughing.

Dygen Presents Clean Joke time.
Hey Guys,

T.H.U.G.S agent and all around kicker of tushies Dygen here, and do I have a joke for you.
Do you like to laugh? Do you like to be able to laugh without looking over your shoulder to see if it's cool to laugh? Well then this new segment is here to put a smile on you face without putting dirt in your brain.

Our first submission comes from Sir Tychus of Eagles Rook; it is important to note that Sir Tychus does not associate himself with Pirates, Scallywags, Hooligans, or Scoundrels.
A pirate walked into his favorite tavern. The barkeep, who had not seen the pirate in months waved him over. Noticing some of the pirates new features he began to ask some questions.
"Old friend, whatever happened to your leg?"

"Ah, me leg? It was blasted off by some lubbers cannonball during a raid, but I got me this fancy new wooden peg now, so it ain't so bad."
"Well then, what happened to your hand?"

"Aye me hand. It was cloven in two by some scallywag's cutlass, but I got me this fancy new hook now, so it ain't so bad."
"And you eye, old friend?"

"Well it was the darndest thing, a flock o' gulls was flyin' overhead when one pooped right in me eye."
"And that was enough to damage your eye?"

"Nay, it was just me first day with the hook!" 

Well that's it for this issue I am Theddy Quill reporting the facts, the whole facts, and nothing but the facts. Stay safe see you next week


1 comment:

  1. As always cal and staff you have amused me greatly. Keep em coming guys. :)