Friday, September 14, 2012

The Grimloch Tribune


The Grimloch Tribune
By Callahan “Syruss” Marsden
 
LEAD STORY: Bumbling Burglars Beaten Brutally After Trying to Rob Rohde and Syruss’s Hump House and Bar.

Not too many people who travel the realms are stupid enough to pick a fight with the ‘Ultimate Dynamic Duo’ (Ultimate Dynamic Duo is trade mark under the "Rohde funny things I say cooperation") even fewer are dumb enough to try and rob them.  However once in a red moon you get the combination of liquid courage and stupidity to try and pull off such a heist.  
 
Local tough guys Rusty and Hubert were on a drinking bender  after they lost hundreds of gold worth of 10-piece CoTR after spending them as 1 gold and not full 10.

Drunken bar fly and frequent patron of the famous ‘Hump House and Bar’ Nymbous over heard the two griping, this is what he said they had to say:

“ I can’t believe all those shops took our Tens as ones and didn’t tell us differently” Rusty said (Nymbous assumed that the redhead gingery one was rusty)
“I can’t believe I trusted you with all our hard earned gold!” Hubert complained.
 
“Don’t worry boss, I have another great idea on how to earn money. Why don’t we knock over this place!!! Think of the gold coming into this place through the bar through the dancers.”

“I don’t know” 
Hubert said. “What about the two guys who own this shop, them Grimloch guys are supposed to be tough as nails, spit fire and fart lighting and all that.”

“Those idiots.” 
 Rusty roared laughing “How many weekends have we been coming here now? I am convinced their names are just on the door. They are always out saving the world, or winning a tournament.”

“Ok sounds like a solid enough plan to me, but to be sure lets break in on a Wednesday night, what are the odds they will be here then.” 
Hubert exclaimed.

I inquired as to why Nymbous didn’t report what he heard earlier and he had this to say:

“Those guys can take care of themselves plus they owe me for that time they reanimated my Ex to come work for them after that horse accident, LOOK THERE SHE IS NOW………..No honey put down that nice mans head…..”
Wednesday night came and the two burglars were ready to strike. The lock was easily picked, because who would dare right?

The two entered  and one quickly cast light and started spreading small orbs of blue lights all over the place. 

“SURPRISE!!!!!!!!” Was yelled as the lights came on through magic fire. The two burglars standing there with loot in hand looked mighty shocked, as Rohde and Jaha, XT, Grot, Rillian, Dell, Grebinar, and Dygen looked pretty confused then angry.

“Here we are!” Syruss shouted as he guided a blind folded Nymbous into the bar and then yelled “SURPRISE HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY!!!!” But that quickly died down as he surveyed the room.

 Nymbous took off his blindfold to see the two bumbling thief’s caught red handed.

“TONIGHT IS YOUR HIEST! Classic!” Nymbous shouted.

From across the town shouts of pain were heard followed by laughter then music and singing.

The two are being charged with breaking and entering as well as sued for over a hundred gold in property damaged that the two broke with their faces and various body parts.
 
 
Over Ruled; a update on the Mad um……Awesome Boy King Jaha’s reign. 

Warlord Jaha or Boy King JAHAfrey as some are taking to call him has been tearing up his regime with new exciting laws in the lands of Grimloch. We here at the Grimloch Tribune are dedicated to keeping you up to date with all the changes and new laws.
Standard Laws in Grimloch are as followed

1.NO NECROMANCEY, because of its strong aura in the lands of Grimloch most necromancers are doubled in strength and casting ability. Thus causing many casters to go mad and take the will over the living. It was because of this that Necromancy has been deemed illegal in Grimloch, but of course that is well known.

2. Theft, do not steal in the lands of Grimloch and if you do don’t get caught. They have a two eye for an eye policy so you often loose more than you took. Also, if you cannot pay the fine, there are alternative ways to pay on that debt. You know the expression can’t get blood from a stone. Well GRIMLOCH found a way.
3. Do not Murder, if you do please make sure it is not some one in Grimloch. Murder will fall with the punishment two eyes for an eye. You kill one of them prepare to have your soul ripped from your body.
4. NAneeneeneeneenee NA nee (mockery in a high falsetto voice) is a scalpable offense; do not do this to a Grimloch member, if you accidently do make sure to APOLOGIZE IN LESS THAN FIVE SECONDS.
New Rules under the JAHAfrey regime

1) PrimaDrinkta:  Warlord Jaha always gets first drink.
2) PrimaSeata: Much like PrimaDrinkta Warlord Jaha gets his choice in seat.
3) A loss in a dogs Gauntlet results in a Dog Status for the day. If an A member loses to a dog running his gauntlet he is a dog for the rest of the day or until the Boy King decides differently.

4) V and Rohde have had their condiment privileges suspended  due to recent events involving one of the most sacred possessions a Grimloch member has (their tabard) and mustard. Rohde and V have to eat all their hot dogs plain.

5) Syruss is the official King of Swing; Upon this decree Warlord Jaha made Syruss in charge of all Grimloch’s Sock Hops and Hoot-a-nannies

Dear Rohodey: A delightfully tactful advice column written by the one and only Sensitive Sensation himself Sir Rohde of Grimloch
Dear Rohodey,
Got a problem. I’m a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner.
It’s important that my family eat meat at least three times a week, but we just can’t afford to with the prices the way they are, so I bring home some choice cuts from my autopsy subjects. Just mix in the tuna helper and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what’s
my secret.

Rohodey, I think they’re getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, where’s all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that’s kept in the fridge.

If they find out the truth I don’t think they’ll understand. Rohde, what do I tell
my family?

Carnivorously Curious


Dear . . .Grossy McGross Face, I hereby dub thee Hannibal.

The real question should be what do you do IF THEY FIND OUT!!!!!!!!!! And I already know you know the correct answer, so yeah make peace with THAT!

In the meantime, I recall learning somewhere that human flesh tastes like pork, and that the best parts are the breastmeat or the arm, depending on which account of 1st century pioneer orcs getting stuck in snowstorms you read.

Your family, though, is asking where it came from, not what it is. The answer to that is ridiculously easy: tell them you stop at the butcher's on the way home from work.

I'd be annoyed at you for even asking this question, if you hadn't provided me with such a perfect opportunity to showcase my inappropriately detailed knowledge of the edibility of human flesh.

Anyways see next week at the pot luck

Love Always

Rohodey

Well that's it for this issue I am Theddy Quill reporting the facts, the whole facts, and nothing but the facts. Stay safe see you next week

4 comments:

  1. Amazing as always. And I love how it keeps up with so many current events.

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  2. well it is a newspaper, of course its going to be current. but really truly amazing and hilarious as always Cal. Best thing to come out of the realms.

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  3. Bold statement bro.

    But thank you.

    AS always if there is a story you want to read, or a person you want me to write about.
    Facebook or email me and I will be happy to work with you.

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  4. just saying, i didnt disrespect the tabard, Rohde did. I just relished the opprotunity to ketchup with him eventually. But i made sure that his tabard was free and clear.
    I demand this be cleared up in the next issue or I'll sue for Libal, Rudy's already on the case.

    Also Saurkruot.

    -V

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