Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...
Sara 'Zarine' Jessop
… Unnecessary Necessities

Hello again plebs! I apologize for last week. We had some big changes at the bathhouse and I just could not find the time to write a witty article. But that is all cleared up now, and I am back with you this week. As luck would have it, there is quite a large event coming up this weekend and I have advice to dispense!

The discussion has already begin on the Argument Board about all the necessary items to bring along with you this weekend. List upon list of what people think are the most important things to pack in your already overloaded carriage. Socks, undergarments, socks, bedding, socks, tents, socks, food, socks, etc, etc, socks.... You get the idea. Things you will actually need to survive the weekend in relative comfort. Well, dear reader, I have a completely different list for you: Things you absolutely do not need but should totally bring.

Just because something isn't necessary for your survival doesn't mean that you shouldn't bring it. I remember, long ago when I was a green adventurer in these Realms, that I would pack up my carriage with whatever clothing I grabbed last minute, my spell book and dagger, and like no less than eight people. Not a tent or sleeping bag between us, we somehow all slept in that tiny carriage like sardines in a can (and trust me, after three days of that we all smelled like them too). Well, I am not as young as I used to be and now I bring every creature comfort I can fit in my compact sport utility carriage wherein I am the only passenger. I also shove things I don't even need and will probably never even use into Trent's very large carriage just to have even more stuff. Better safe than sorry, right? 

We're gonna need a bigger horse

What could you possibly need to transport besides the bare necessities you ask? You didn't ask? Well, I'm going to tell you anyways, because you never know when one of those unnecessary items will become the most necessary thing on site.

Alcohol. “But Zarine, this is ToC!” Yes, yes, I know that most of us consider all the booze we can find to be totally crucial for this weekend. Yet there are people who attend this annual event who do not imbibe at all. We have a special word for those people: Losers. But, we should respect their decision to be such and concern ourselves only with not being such. If you think you've packed enough hooch, yet you still have space in your carriage, then pack some more. There is always someone who either forgot, couldn't afford it, didn't have room for it, is just a freeloader, or many other reasons where they may have need of your extra stash. And of course you can always contribute to the League meeting or the Fine Ladies Society's tasting.

Horse reviving cables. You know that awkward moment when you are ready to leave for breakfast but your horse is dead? Well, they make these magical cables that transfer some of the life force of a healthy horse into your totally dead horse. Simply hook them together with these special clamps, and voila, your off to breakfast. You would be amazed at how many times only one person on site has these special cables. If you own a horse, you should have them.

Cosmetic face paint. Yes, I know that this is a war tournament, but that doesn't mean you can't look nice. This is mostly for the ladies, but some gentlemen prefer to wear it as well. You should probably stick to a minimal amount while actually fighting and don't be cheap; get the expensive stuff that isn't going to sweat off into your eyeballs and make you question your poor life decisions.

More food. Think you packed enough to not starve all weekend? Well you may have, but someone else may not have. The less fortunate among us need sustenance as well and being part of a community means taking care of everyone in it. Be a good Realmsie and feed your friends. Be an even better one and feed your enemies too.

Extra tents and bedding. Someone will forget theirs. Someone's will get wet for whatever reason best not known to the rest of us. A couple may have a fight and a gentleman may need new accommodations. These things happen and these desperate souls will now be forever in your debt for your timely assistance.

There are many other completely needless things you can bring along. I use maybe a quarter of what I tote to the lands of Creathorne, yet I fill my carriage up anyways. People are always asking me for items that they may have forgotten as they know that I am a storehouse of useless paraphernalia. So please, bring lots of things so that they have someone else to mooch off of.

You see, dear reader, things that seem completely unnecessary can be of great use in certain situations, and wouldn't you like to be useful for once?

See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

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