I Can't Even...
By Sara "Zarine" Jessop
This weekend I joined with my fellow Invictites and some friends from Blackwood as we delved into, um, I'm not even sure where. I am going to call it “a place with dragons.” We fought our way through puzzles and undead to kill a couple of dragons and take their rather unimpressive hoard of treasure. While doing so, I of course took note of people's adventuring gear and realized that the only place some of them should be questing to is the clothing market.
I don't know a lot about adventuring gear. You'll need to remember that I do not adventure often. Saturdays are a very busy day at the bathhouse, so I don't often get to join you all. But this rare Sunday adventure has opened my eyes to the obvious problems. I may not know exactly how to fix them, but I do know how to point them out. Now I know that adventuring is quite different than a social gathering and calls for a completely different type of outfit. It calls for function over form, which is a concept I tend to struggle with. So, dear reader, I shall try very hard to keep that in mind while doling out my advice this week.
Cargo pants. I cringe at the sight of them. Unfortunately that means I cringe a lot. “But Zarine, they are so comfy and useful.” I understand that. Their comfortableness and utilitarian design make them an obvious choice for use on an adventure. “But Zarine, there is no better options out there.” I want to tell you that if you thought that, you would be wrong. The problem is that I can't. I've been searching and searching and I just can't find anything that is a true alternative. As a woman, I feel that I have an easier time finding a solution to this conundrum, as women's clothing is always lacking in pockets. My advice? Either invent something better, or come up with an alternative that isn't pants. Pouches and bags can make up for the loss of pockets. Or perhaps the pockets can be hidden. Use your brain, if you have one. If not, use someone else's.
Footwear. It's truly terrifying, really, what people find acceptable. Footwear is the most important of all of the adventuring gear as it needs to be safe, comfortable, affordable, and fashionable. I'm not advocating for trekking through the forest in high heels. In fact, please don't. I can tell you from experience that it results in injury. But footwear needs to be a priority and we can certainly do better than these things you all call “sneakers”. First off, they aren't helping, since things can still hear you a mile away. Turns out, what you put on your feet doesn't effect the volume of your annoying voices. Secondly, they look preposterous and provide little to no ankle support.
Allow me to introduce you to a very important invention in footwear. It's called a boot and they aren't just for drinking out of. “But Zarine, boots are so expensive and I'm a poor peasant.” Listen, Pleb, there are all sorts of boots out there to fit varying income levels. I have a large selection of boots. Each pair must be bought at a reasonable price in order to afford a new pair on my next trip to the clothing market, so I know all about affordable footwear. It's out there people, you just need to find it. You found those atrocious sneakers, which I hear tell can be quite expensive. Perhaps you should prioritize your spending.
Shirts. More specifically t-shirts. They need to go. Or at least be covered up. I hear tabards are good for that.
I don't have much to say about armor, since I know very little about it except how to repair it with words. But for the love of all whatever god you worship, stop adhering your greaves to your legs with that sticky stuff weapons used to be covered with. If you are guilty of this, find a leather worker immediately. Tell them it's an emergency. Mention the duct tape. They'll provide you with immediate assistance whether you want it or not. But seriously, you want it.
Dear reader, I hope you have learned something today. That we all need to put forth a better effort to be fashionable, even if we are only going to kill a dragon. I mean, do you really want the dragon to be disappointed in your fashion choices? Wouldn't you rather she gag over how amazing you look? I hear gagging creatures are easier to kill. It's why I trained myself not to do it years ago.
See you next Tuesday.
Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, and has 35 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.