I Can't Even...
… A collection of
Thoughts
I can't even
count on one hand how many times someone asked me this weekend what I thought
of some particular fashion. There I was, sitting alone and silently judging you
all when someone would ask me to break said silence and voice my displeasure
instead. Now it's not nearly as much fun to give my opinion when it is asked
for as when it was most definitely not, but I enjoyed myself none the less.
Many times I
was asked to write an article on some issue or another, and I will admit to you
dear reader, that I only vaguely remember a handful of them. (If you had a
special request feel free to remind me of it via personal correspondence.) I
have so many thoughts and ideas swirling about in my head that it was quite
impossible to settle on one singular topic this week. Consequently, this week I
offer you an inside look into my very fickle and ever changing mind with a
collection of thoughts from this past weekend. “I wonder what Zarine is
thinking...” Well, wonder no more!
The King himself specifically said that he
expected a review of the event on Tuesday. He actually requested a “good
review”, but beggars shouldn't be choosers. He also informed me that Kings are
the best namers of things, but then also admitted that the King did not name
the event. It was some schmuck who was working for the King at the time. So
clearly it's schmucks who are bad namers and I stand corrected. Perhaps the schmuck
should have waited until he was King and he would have come up with a better
name for his infamous party.
“So many
wonderful hats!” We should all thank the Order of the Peacock for inspiring and
challenging our creativity in the name of fashion. Head wear is so often
forgotten about when people dress up. Hopefully the plethora of hats this past
weekend will make you all realize just how wonderful it is when people put in
that little extra effort to not come empty headed. I can't wait to see what next
years challenge will be! Why wait til next year, perhaps they will issue more
challenges at more events for the betterment of fashion?
“Is that a
dead bird?” The answer was yes, and I am not sure whether to applaud it or
vomit. On one hand it was fashion forward and no one else was wearing one. On
the other it stunk. No, like for real, the stench was quite potent. Someone
even commented that it was quite fowl. (That someone was Jack, so stop blaming
me for the terrible pun.)
“Why didn't
I put light's in my hat?” Matiya's hat was amazing and I was quite worried when
I arrived that I would lose the hat competition to her. Turns out, I was right.
I knew I should have found a way to light mine up somehow!
“Why is it
raining?”
“Why is it
so cold in here.” Please close the door behind you when you exit the room. This
isn't a barn.
“Why is it
so hot in here?” If you bring some kind of heating implement for the cabins,
please control it. While I appreciated not freezing, eleven people in a small
space with a heater on high all night is a recipe for heatstroke and sweat
stench.
“Why are
people such slobs?” Yes, you are all slobs. Toilet paper goes in the toilet and
flushed not on the floor. Used paper towels go in the trash not on the floor.
Gift wrap goes in the trash, not on the floor. Are we seeing the trend here?
“Why is
there a lake over here?” Turns out, the bar sink was leaking. Good thing our
hero Torolf knew how to turn it off, otherwise Jack would still be mopping.
“Who made
this delicious chicken?” Turns out it was Matiya. A fancy hat and she makes the
best chicken wings? She's a keeper.
“Use a
fucking glass.” Matties. He needs to use a glass. Straight from the bottle
should be reserved for less classy parties.
“Is that
duct tape?” Yes. And I was told not to write an article about it, but clearly
there needs to be some kind of workshop on how to attach hats to bald heads.
“I was gone
for half a minute!”. Turns out, it takes less than half a minute to build a
tiny snowman on top of someone's mode of
transportation.
“Why is the
veggie egg casserole better than the meat one?” Seriously. It was delicious and
full of vegetables? I feel like I shouldn't have liked it, but I did!
“I can't
believe these people want to work for me.” Yes, I had a handful of people who
asked about employment. If you are interested, please sent your resume to
Alchimia Lupinar.
“Young kids
go to bed so early.” Sitting at the bar at 3am and the only people still awake
were all of us more experienced partiers. Young folk, you need to up your game.
“What
strange land did that come from?” No, I am not talking about some exotic new
dish, I am speaking of an outfit. Fashion forward doesn't mean thousands of
years forward. Try to fit into the lands in which we live, not some silly
fantasy land where people wear crazy costumes and speak in funny accents while
pretending to be someone they aren't.
I'm sure I
had many more thoughts. Some of them were far too inappropriate for public
consumption. Some of them I simply forgot as I did have a bit to drink. These
were the ones that came to mind when I was trying to settle on one thing to
write about this week. Never fear, next week I shall return to my regularly
scheduled dismantling of your fashion choices and ill manners. But I hope that
you enjoyed this small window into my eclectic thoughts. And if you ever wish
to know what I am thinking just ask, though you likely won't have to. To quote
a quick famous person from a land far away, “I you don't have anything nice to
say, come sit next to me.”
See you next
Tuesday.
Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at
Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, and has 35
years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.
