Tuesday, December 20, 2016

I Can't Even...

I Can't Even...
 by Sara "Zarine" Jessop
… A collection of Thoughts

            I can't even count on one hand how many times someone asked me this weekend what I thought of some particular fashion. There I was, sitting alone and silently judging you all when someone would ask me to break said silence and voice my displeasure instead. Now it's not nearly as much fun to give my opinion when it is asked for as when it was most definitely not, but I enjoyed myself none the less.

            Many times I was asked to write an article on some issue or another, and I will admit to you dear reader, that I only vaguely remember a handful of them. (If you had a special request feel free to remind me of it via personal correspondence.) I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling about in my head that it was quite impossible to settle on one singular topic this week. Consequently, this week I offer you an inside look into my very fickle and ever changing mind with a collection of thoughts from this past weekend. “I wonder what Zarine is thinking...” Well, wonder no more!

             The King himself specifically said that he expected a review of the event on Tuesday. He actually requested a “good review”, but beggars shouldn't be choosers. He also informed me that Kings are the best namers of things, but then also admitted that the King did not name the event. It was some schmuck who was working for the King at the time. So clearly it's schmucks who are bad namers and I stand corrected. Perhaps the schmuck should have waited until he was King and he would have come up with a better name for his infamous party.

            “So many wonderful hats!” We should all thank the Order of the Peacock for inspiring and challenging our creativity in the name of fashion. Head wear is so often forgotten about when people dress up. Hopefully the plethora of hats this past weekend will make you all realize just how wonderful it is when people put in that little extra effort to not come empty headed. I can't wait to see what next years challenge will be! Why wait til next year, perhaps they will issue more challenges at more events for the betterment of fashion?

            “Is that a dead bird?” The answer was yes, and I am not sure whether to applaud it or vomit. On one hand it was fashion forward and no one else was wearing one. On the other it stunk. No, like for real, the stench was quite potent. Someone even commented that it was quite fowl. (That someone was Jack, so stop blaming me for the terrible pun.)

            “Why didn't I put light's in my hat?” Matiya's hat was amazing and I was quite worried when I arrived that I would lose the hat competition to her. Turns out, I was right. I knew I should have found a way to light mine up somehow!

            “Why is it raining?”

            “Why is it so cold in here.” Please close the door behind you when you exit the room. This isn't a barn.

            “Why is it so hot in here?” If you bring some kind of heating implement for the cabins, please control it. While I appreciated not freezing, eleven people in a small space with a heater on high all night is a recipe for heatstroke and sweat stench.

            “Why are people such slobs?” Yes, you are all slobs. Toilet paper goes in the toilet and flushed not on the floor. Used paper towels go in the trash not on the floor. Gift wrap goes in the trash, not on the floor. Are we seeing the trend here?

            “Why is there a lake over here?” Turns out, the bar sink was leaking. Good thing our hero Torolf knew how to turn it off, otherwise Jack would still be mopping.

            “Who made this delicious chicken?” Turns out it was Matiya. A fancy hat and she makes the best chicken wings? She's a keeper.

            “Use a fucking glass.” Matties. He needs to use a glass. Straight from the bottle should be reserved for less classy parties.

            “Is that duct tape?” Yes. And I was told not to write an article about it, but clearly there needs to be some kind of workshop on how to attach hats to bald heads.

            “I was gone for half a minute!”. Turns out, it takes less than half a minute to build a tiny  snowman on top of someone's mode of transportation.

            “Why is the veggie egg casserole better than the meat one?” Seriously. It was delicious and full of vegetables? I feel like I shouldn't have liked it, but I did!

            “I can't believe these people want to work for me.” Yes, I had a handful of people who asked about employment. If you are interested, please sent your resume to Alchimia Lupinar.

            “Young kids go to bed so early.” Sitting at the bar at 3am and the only people still awake were all of us more experienced partiers. Young folk, you need to up your game.

            “What strange land did that come from?” No, I am not talking about some exotic new dish, I am speaking of an outfit. Fashion forward doesn't mean thousands of years forward. Try to fit into the lands in which we live, not some silly fantasy land where people wear crazy costumes and speak in funny accents while pretending to be someone they aren't.

            I'm sure I had many more thoughts. Some of them were far too inappropriate for public consumption. Some of them I simply forgot as I did have a bit to drink. These were the ones that came to mind when I was trying to settle on one thing to write about this week. Never fear, next week I shall return to my regularly scheduled dismantling of your fashion choices and ill manners. But I hope that you enjoyed this small window into my eclectic thoughts. And if you ever wish to know what I am thinking just ask, though you likely won't have to. To quote a quick famous person from a land far away, “I you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.”

            See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, and has 35 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

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