Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I Can't Even,

I Can't Even...
by Sara "Zarine" Jessop 
… Outfit Changes

            After a few weeks of exploring other topics, this week I'll be returning to my favorite one: Fashion. There seems to be confusion among the people of the Realms as to when it's appropriate to change outfits, and what is the appropriate outfit to change into. So once again I shall educate you all on how to do the right thing. Fashion-wise of course... I'll leave morality to more qualified people.

            Dear reader, changing your outfit can change your life. It can turn you from boring wallflower to the bell of the ball, from a bloodstained warrior to a dashing gentleman.  Below I will outline several reasons for changing, and how you should handle each situation.

            Shedding your traveling gear: If you are like me, you prefer to travel in more comfortable clothing than you will be wearing on the tournament field or at a fancy dinner party. But when and how should you change? Chose traveling wear that makes it easy to change at or in your mode of transportation. First impressions are important. You don't want your grand appearance on the field or in the feast hall to impress upon your fellow man that you are a bedraggled ragamuffin. You want everyone to turn, look at you, and see a put together bad ass. Or so I assume. And before someone misinterprets this and I have to see you buck naked and go blind, I am not saying strip in the carriage lot. I am saying to wear clothing that makes it easy to change without showing the whole world that which they would rather not see. Though I suppose in some cases that would be your face, so maybe it's unavoidable.

            Weather related changes: If there is anything we have learned about the weather in the Realms over the years is that it is unpredictable. Even a person of limited intelligence brings a plethora of clothing for a variety of weather conditions.  The easiest option here is layers. This gives the ability to add and remove clothing without actually having to take the time to fully change your entire outfit. If you are changing because your outfit is wet, due to either rain or your disgustingly over active sweat glands, then you will definitely want to completely change out all of your clothing. Otherwise you are just wasting your time as you will still be uncomfortable. Find a restroom or your tent and put on some dry clothing. You will thank yourself for listening to such wonderful advice when you aren't dying of pneumonia later.

            Changing for a purpose: Sometimes a situations arises where you'll need to change to take part in something. Maybe you want to dance around the fire, participate in an adventure during a feast, or maybe your enemies have shown up and you don't want to get blood all over your best dinner jacket. In these cases you will want to grab the alternate attire that you assuredly brought because the Realms is full of surprises and you are prepared for everything. That doesn't describe you? Well find someone this does describe and maybe they have something you can borrow. Then use a restroom or your tent to change in, unless you are putting on armor. (Armoring up in the restroom is weird.)  And please, dear reader, take your time doing so. Don't come running out half dressed because you don't want to miss out. You run the risk of looking absurd because you forgot to zip your pants just to get somewhere quicker. If you are donning armor in an emergency situation, please secure your own armor first before assisting the person next to you. And while you may be in a rush because dinner jackets don't stop swords and you could be about to die, make sure that your armor is properly buckled or you may just die anyways because you are wearing your shoulder armor like a cod piece.  What happens if you change for something specific and then that thing doesn't happen? Or you took too long? Well, Dame Freesia suggests to “just eat a chicken wing”.

            Copy cats: Did you show up to a party wearing the same thing as someone else? That's alright as long as you brought a back up outfit or five. You might want think that you are more important than the other person and that they should be the one to change. And you may even be right. But the onus to change is on the person who showed up last, no matter who you are. Simply walk in, greet people respectfully, then graciously excuse yourself to the retiring room to change. “But Zarine, why can't we just wear the same outfit?” Because I said so. Change.

            Changing for a change in event style: Is the adventure over and it is time for the feast? Are tournaments over and it's time for refreshments? It is most likely appropriate to change your clothing. No one wants to sit down to a nice dinner next to your sweat covered armor. We want to smell the savory spices in our comestibles, not the potent scent of your efforts on the battlefield. So please, find a rest room or tent, change into something clean and dinner appropriate, and apply all of the deodorant. Of course if it is just one of those “dinner breaks” we are so fond of, feel free to remain in the same outfit in anticipation of returning to your regularly scheduled monster maiming. Though dinner breaks can be a good time to simply refresh yourself so that you smell a little better whilst stabbing whatever you'll be stabbing later on.

            Changing because you feel like it: Sometimes, you just feel like changing your outfit. There are times when it is appropriate to do so, though if it is just because you are slightly uncomfortable then suck it up you whiny pleb. Fashion wasn't made for the comfort of your body, but for the comfort of our eyes. There are times when perhaps people just didn't quite receive your outfit as well as you thought and perhaps adding something different will change their minds. Maybe you couldn't decide on what head piece to wear at Leviathan and you brought more than one and switched when no one was looking. It created interest and drew attention to your fabulous self. “Zarine, did you change your hat?” Four times. Pay attention.

            So you see, changing your outfit can be beneficial, practical, and healthy. If only it were so easy to change your dull personality into something more pleasurable, the world could be so much more enjoyable for your presence. But alas I can only do so much.

            See you next Tuesday. 

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 35 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.


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