Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...
 by Sara "Zarine" Jessop
… Seasonal Fashion - Winter

            While it may have been pretty warm these last couple of days, don't let the weather fool you; it's still winter. And according to my sources, namely a nefarious rodent whose shadow never seems to take a vacation, winter is going to hang around for another month or so. It's come to my attention via various photographs from this past weekends gathering in Creathorne that people have already jumped ahead into spring fashion. This will not do.


            Chartreuse has been deemed the “spring color” by the Order of the Peacock. Now, it's been a bit of a controversial decision, but the decision was made none the less. The first day of spring is March twentieth. I can't imagine why anyone would ever wear this color for any other reason than to try and impress the Order, so please refrain from wearing it until then. If you would like to know the exact date that you can then deposit all of your chartreuse clothing directly into the trash, the first day of summer is June twenty-first. (Just kidding, please donate your ugly items to those less fortunate).


            So, dear reader, what I am trying to impress upon you is that it is still the winter season. I do not know if the peacock announced a winter color or not, but I did touch on the colors that should be worn during the winter in the article “I can't even... wear white after Folkstone Questing”. Color is quite important, after all, but so is style. Something could be the most beautiful color in the world (Tiffany's Blue for you plebs following along at home), and still be completely out of season and a crime against fashion.

            As chattering teeth are not really “in” at the moment, or ever, warmth is especially important during the winter months. Warm colors and warm fabrics combined will keep you warm, cozy, and fashion forward for the rest of the winter. Wool is an excellent choice, as is fleece. Both will keep you warm, though wool is more durable and fleece more tactually pleasing so choose accordingly. As for actual apparel, I have compiled a quick guide below for the most basic of winter clothing and accessories.

            Hats: Again, I have covered fashionable head wear in the past (See: I can't even... Hats!). There is a belief that winter hats must be purely functional rather than fashionable but this is simply not true. Fur trappers can be quite cute if styled properly. Wool felted hats come in a variety of styles and colors and are excellent at keeping your head warm and your style on point. If you are worried about mussing up your perfectly coiffed hair,  I recommend springing for a good set of fur ear muffs.

            Scarves: Scarves are one of my all time favorite accessories! They truly are one of the most versatile accoutrements out there for all occasions. For winter, I recommend a soft wool knit. As far as I am concerned, longer is better when it comes to many things, including scarves. Infinity scarves are also an excellent option, those are the ones that are a sewn into a complete circle. Scarves can be tied in so many different ways, and I encourage you to experiment with a variety of knots and folds.

            Jackets, Cloaks, and Capes: Another versatile accessory. I would suggest acquiring outerwear such as these in an adaptable color, since you will likely only have one or two of them and will be wearing them with multiple outfits. Cloaks and Capes can be reversible, giving you two color options with one garment.  There really is no excuse for not having a decent jacket, cloak, or cape, as they are one of the most common items sold by Realms merchants.

            Pants: First off, please wear them. Secondly, they make these amazing fleece lined leggings! These can even be worn under fancy skirts and the like for extra warmth when pants just aren't appropriate. For the gentleman, I am not as well versed in your leg wear styles, but I am sure there must be some kind of comparable choice for you as well.

            Footwear: My feet are always cold. Always. So warm footwear is a must for me. Wool socks and wool boots in the winter are a life saver! Sheepskin is an amazing thing, and we should all take sometime to thank all the sheep who have died for our comfort. I think a “thank ewe” card may even be in order.

            Hands: Like my feet, my hands are also cold all of the time. Fortunately some wonderful person invented gloves. Gloves are an excellent choice as they leave your fingers still able to operate, even if at a diminished capability. Mittens are warmer than gloves, though you will have no real use of your fingers. Muffs are, in my not so humble opinion, the best choice. They are incredibly fashionably, amazingly warm, and they offer a lot of ease of movement as you can simply remove and replace your hand as needed. No need to pull off a glove or mitten if someone needs an immediate bitch slap. Just remove, slap, and replace. Easy peasy.

            I think that this more or less covers the basics, dear reader. So stay warm, stay fashionable, and buy a calendar because seasons are not just for the weather.

            See you next Tuesday.



            Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

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