I Can't Even...
by Sara "Zarine" Jessop
This week, we are going to talk about head wear. I hear tell that there is a contest coming up to choose the most fabulous hat, which is being sponsored by The Order of the Peacock. Now, I don't know much about the contest, other than the fact that I will obviously be winning it, since I am neither a Pea nor a Cock. But I do know a lot about head wear, so listen up you empty headed plebs.
In a few short weeks the Realms at large will be subjected to all manner of millinery, and you'll need to know your terminology to properly compliment or disparage them because despite what Lord Vawn says, everything you place upon your head is not simply called a hat. At a recent charity event I was sporting a fabulous fascinator and was told, “I love your hat.” Well, it's not a hat you uncouth fustylug, but thanks for your uneducated opinion. You see, dear reader, it's quite insulting to call ones haberdashery by the wrong wordage.
In order to maintain a pleasant environment for our debauchery at Uncle Cecil's Crazy Wacky Nutty Fruity Tavern, or whatever we are calling it this year, allow me to educate you on the types of headdresses you may be seeing. We wouldn't want someone to call a Trilby a Fedora and ruin the whole evening.
I shall start with the difference between a Trilby and a Fedora. A fedora is is typically creased lengthwise down the middle of the crown, then “pinched” near the front on both sides. It is typically worn by gangsters, people who think they are gangsters, and bootleggers. The trilby has a shorter (thus narrower) brim which is angled down (“snapped down”) at the front and turned up at the back, versus the fedora’s wider brim which is more level and flat. The trilby also has a slightly shorter crown than a typical fedora design. It is commonly worn by hipsters to cover their heads while they grow out their man buns. Ask Drike for details.
Let's talk about pirates. Tricornes have a rather broad brim, pinned up on either side of the head and at the back, producing a triangular shape. It is typically worn with the point facing forward, though some people like to buck the trend, and before you ask that is not where the term “buccaneer” comes from. They can be adorned with all manner of things, most notably feathers. Sir Seagan is often seen sporting a leather tricorne often refereed to as “the pass around hat.”
Also of piratical influence, the Cavalier is a variety of wide-brimmed hat. These hats are often made from felt or leather, and usually trimmed with an ostrich plume. They are often cocked up or have one side of the brim pinned to the side of the crown of the hat which is then decorated with feathers. Hatdad himself, Lord Aeston, wears such a hat. I can only assume that he once talked a pirate into giving him his, and by that I mean he talked until the seaman was so sick of listening that he gave him the hat in payment for his silence.
Now, to educate Lord Vawn on his own head piece, Turbans are a type of headdress achieved by wrapping a length of cloth about the head in interesting ways. Because of their cloth weaving technique, they are very flexible in their style and fabulousness. Lord Vawn wore one quite fabulously himself at the Fight-a-thon held recently in Blackwood.
A Balmoral takes the form of a knitted, soft wool cap with a flat crown. A regimental or clan badge is worn on the left-hand side, affixed to a silk or grosgrain ribbon cockade with the bonnet usually worn tilted to the right to display this emblem. The center of the crown features a toorie, traditionally red but any color will do, unless it's white after Folkestone Questing. Wallace usually wears such a hat, and I hear tell that he made an unusual appearance at Order of the List recently.
Fez. Bad. Do not wear.
Fascinators are well and truly fascinating. They are usually a large decorative design attached to a band or clip, sometimes incorporating a base to resemble a miniature hat, in which case we could call it a hatinator, though I would prefer that we not. I myself often wear a fascinator, like the large red one I wore to The KOEF Charity Event.
My other head wear of choice is a Doll Hat, often times covered under the term facinator, even though it does have it's very own descriptor. A doll hat is a women's millinery design scaled down to suggest a hat that could be worn by a doll. It can be of any design and is generally worn at the front of the head. The hat is usually held in place with a band of fabric or elastic secured at the back of the head, or simply attached to a clip like a facinator. I have a variety of Tiny Top hats, I am sure you have seen them. If you haven't then clearly you need to go to more fancy parties.
A Top Hat, also called a beaver hat, high hat, silk hat, cylinder hat, chimney pot hat or stove pipe hat, is a tall, flat-crowned, broad-brimmed hat. They are wicked fancy. Pair with a monocle for even more fabulosity.
Finally, stocking caps. A traditional stocking cap has a conical shape, is long and normally features a pompom or tassel at the end. Typically seen worn by Father Yule, and those who wish to emulate Father Yule's lack of fashionable attire. We will likely see a lot of these. It's unfortunate but inevitable, not unlike death.
There are many other forms of headdress, dear reader, but I simply do not have time to list them all. I have tried my best to think up the ones I see commonly in the Realms. If you know of others, please spread the word. Educate your fellow plebs. They aren't using their heads for anything else, they might as well use them to hold information on hats.
See you next Tuesday!