Friday, September 14, 2018

My Thirst for another man's pickle: A love Story by Lord Syruss

AKA What you Missed Folkewood Questing

I am dead...Yup as of reading this I am dead but that jumps the story ahead a bit I think let's go back to the beginning.


I was full from the feast the night before, needed some rest.

I took out a vile of green liquid and swirled it about...

"What's that stuff?" Tyruss Meatbag inquired

"That's raw portal magic" Jean-Baptise interjected "Naj created a few of these for the lord so he could port home to Neden should he on another plane somewhere or you know drunk in a pub"

"JB is correct brother, Naj never ports drunk..that's how you end up in a volcano or at your ex's house at 2 am"

I threw the vile on the ground and a swirling purple portal appeared before me...

"Huh this color is new," I said trepidatiously.

Darkin, JB, Jayce, Tyruss and Myself were ported away to neden.

***Zip Zap Blorp Portal Sounds****

Falling is a funny feeling. It feels like everything is passing you by all while feeling free. That was the exact feeling we were experiencing now...

Swooooooooooosh the air rush by us as we came tumbling towards the ground. 


"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" we screamed collectively.

As I was carefully calculating a safe way to land Tyruss Meatbag came shooting down past me like a swift aerodynamic arrow.

***Bammmm*** Tyruss hit the ground with a sickening thud... Standing up and dusting himself off he seemed no worse for ware..."That wasn't so bad" He exclaimed. "O look my shadow is getting bigger....wait ...what?!?!"

Bang crash kaboom we all came tumbling down on top of Tryuss Meatbag as if he was some sort of safe crash pad waiting for our inevitable meeting with the ground.

Meatbag exploded in a gross epic fashion like someone set of a firecracker in a mag of loose meat and parts.

"Dammit" JB exclaimed..." It will take me all week to put him back together. I am not even sure I am going to get the same shape....maybe less hair on this one..or scales..."

We landed on the Castles front lawn. I thought that Sir Nah still has a ways to go before we can start selling these portal potions to the public.

The Neden Boys was nowhere to be seen (See the Latest Misadventure of the Neden boys http://www.thenationofneden.com/misadventures.html)

Jayce offered to get Dith and Cabby and look for our missing brethren.

We all got a good night sleep before attempting to return to Folkstone in the AM.

***Zip Blorp port****


"This isn't Folkestone" an observant Darkin had stated.

He, of course, was right it had appeared we were now in New Veri. But we knew Sir Naj was having some portal trouble so we decided to make a day of it.

We decided to try our hand at agriculture helping plant many crops that were apparently destroyed by last years venturing party. We murder...er um stopped bandits from stealing things from our friends and even started a roving trading company making coin which we needed for my favorite part of the weekend....PICKLES

There was this merchant with these delicious little delectables, pickles like I never had before and man o man, were they top notch.

I found myself compelled to buy more. Was it the crunchy goodness? The sweet yet salty combination? Were there magical forces at work here or was the pickle brine that good... I don't know and I don't want to know, all I know is I loved this man's pickles.

He was attacked a few times while selling his goods, to which Darkin and I sprung into action slaying any would be pickle murdering menace.

There were plenty of other things to do for sure. There were these magical way lines people seemed interested in, this grey lady causing a menace, the Voranis puppers were fighting with these other puppers but for me, it was the pickles.

Pickle after sweet pickle, killing bandit after bandit for that sweet sweet pickle dosh until tragedy struck.....THERE WERE NO MORE PICKLES!!!!!! What were me Darkin and JB.....Hey, where is JB? I thought as now that my pickle crazed state of being started to pass.

Turns out he had a heck of an adventure with his Knighthood the Knights of the Steward. But, you will have to ask him about that.

Nope, no Pickles no Syruss is what I thought!!!! I activated one of the temporary portals again to take me and Darkin back to Neden for libations, pickles and a rest. Surely the vendors stock will be filled tomorrow it thought, as I slowly drifted off into a deep sleep.

***Cock a doodle Grahhhhh screach AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH****

Ah the sounds of Mornings in Neden majestic, peaceful gets the blood going in the morning.

I was up and ready to seize the day like I seized all those orbs and sold them for sweet sweet pickle money. But today I would just bring a bunch of coins so I could stay close to Pickle Guy and get my belly filled with his awesome goodness (I said what I said)

****Zip blop pop portal sound****
Back in New Veri.

This time I ventured out with just Jean-Baptise as he never left and Darkin did not want to return to "That crazy backwater slaver nation.." The man has a real hangup on slaves, who can blame him?

I searched and searched but it has seemed the merchant kart moved on to other lands.

This was upsetting as I had my heart set on a day of pickle fulfillment.  Instead, I was left with helping the adventures of the realms with the Puzzle Problems.

First, the heroes of the realms were losing their weapons trying to attack this wall of corpses. So I reminded them they can't lose their weapons if they are the weapons. With that my magical slinging sorcerors made start throwing everything, they had into this puzzle literally.

I use my detective brain to solve the very complicated pattern that allowed us to proceed, no matter what they may say about me just randomly guessing.

After we worked past these curse ribs of this dying dragon we entered the foul beast. Now, Darkin and I have tried to kill things from the inside before and each time we found out that skin is equally thick from the inside as it is from the outside.  This time however....was no exception.

We walked for hours in this dragon until we eventually reached its heart. Now not all of us could go in...Well, I went in, I'm Syruss I do things.

There we were attacked by the dragons antibodies until we overwhelmed the heart till it stopped.

Then we all escaped by beating the everliving strings out of the rest of the dragon.

Last room we were met by this cool grey statue lady nailing some top-notch ventriloquism.

The day ended with us doing the right thing or not. Neden's Little Buddy Chester was blown up in an incident by a certain misjudgment from a butcher, but we won't talk about that.

We then all held hands in a friends circle to get him back. We were told he is on his way but has little legs so it may take some time.

Well all in all New Veri is only slightly better than Old Veri and I might have a pickle addiction...

Tune in next time faithful readers.

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