Thursday, June 29, 2017

Ask Syruss



Ask Syruss!
by Cal "Syruss" O'Leary

Sir Syruss is a seasoned adventurer with over 10 years of experience slaughtering undead, charming the ladies, beating up bad guys, frustrating the good guys, and grossing out ladies. SO, if you have a question no matter how bizarre, weird or funny (the funnier the better, then we can sell more issues of the View), consider asking the man who loves to tell you how to live your life; even though no one tells you how to live your life!    
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Dear Syruss,

It seems as if hats have taken the Realms by storm. I want to fit in but I'm not sure what hat choice is best for me. Since you're always sporting fashionable toppers - how do I get my hat game on par with yours?

Signed,
Hoping for Haberdashery

Dear Hats are the best thing on the planet thanks for asking,

             First things first I’m the realist realist….er, hem, I mean, first things first the thing you need to know about hats is, well, hmm...let me think, I got something for this… 
            Hats are like love. There’s a hat out there for everyone…and once you find it, you’ll know. No, hats are more like badass vigilantes always watching over your head, protecting you from the Dr. Harmful Sunrays and evil Baron Bad Hair day.

Now some say pair the hat with the shape of your face! Here are some examples.
 















Man, that’s a lot of different shapes. I often forget how many different walks of life require hats.

With that said, picking a hat is all about the individual. Take those guides and throw them out of the window. YOU SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND, wear what makes you feel great, wear what makes you feel fashionable, maybe wear some head armor from time to time.

You could go around being the guy with no hats or you could wear ALL THE HATS.
 




Remember it is like Sir Lord Nymbous O’Leary always says: “Wearing a fancy hat is like having a baby or a puppy; everyone stops to coo and talk about it.”

I hope this helps, sorry if it doesn’t.

Love Always loyal readers - 


Sir Duke Syruss O’Leary
Neden Pogs Champion
Hat Aficionado
Knight of the Blue Rose
Worlds Greatest Detective
Knight of the Potentium



Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Songs of the Abyss: NPC Perspectives

by Keith "Saegan" Cronyn

The following is a collection of perspectives of creatures that have passed on after the series of events known now as ‘Songs of the Abyss:’ 

Bae Wingman, Seagull Extraordinaire-  It had been days since I'd last seen real food. I'm not really sure why me, and my flock had let ourselves drift so far out to sea. I was so tired from flying and I'm sure my compatriots were as well.

I needed a place to land, and something to eat and this ship filled with humans and other such things was floating out there.

One of them warned me “not to be a dick,” I flew in to try and give her a piece of my mind, but then suddenly, it was just inky black.

Carson Crably, Crab twin and Body Builder.- Oh man, like there were these guys, y'know? And they were floating around under the water like totally not where they belonged. I was gonna go ahead and give them a good pinch. Y'know? Just like send them packin’. It turned into a real turn war though. I just had to get them off my land. Good thing my sister was around to back me up. They didn't know what was comin’.

We woulda won too, if it weren't for there bein’ so many of them. And one of them did somethin’ to me it just slowed me down so much. I just felt like everything weighed so much more, it was just embarrassin. I mean don't tell anyone I said that y’know, I got a reputation to keep with folks. But whew I was just exhausted.

Jasper, the Nearly Near-Sighted, Howler Monkey of the Thumb Council- I can't tell you how long I'd spent around that fire. It could be days, it could be years. But however long it was, there must have been something in the water that night.

Actually it was jellyfish apparently.

People come and go, y'know? Most of us don't really talk to each other. But most of us don't all come at once either. It was odd, different, unusual.

It made things seem more real in a way.

I'd spent a long night talking to new people. They were all interested in what I was looking for, which was an odd thought at first, that I was even missing something.

Eventually I realized I hadn't seen my glasses in I don't know how long.

Eventually I ended up sitting next to a fellow named Borjid, I believe was his name. He, like many of the others, had been killed by some terrible horde of jelly fish.

I asked him what he'd done in life, and he was kind enough to tell me about it. He had ended his life as a healer. But I guess he was led through life by some animal spirits, that guided him to his professions.

It seemed a bit strange, and I didn't know much about it, so I asked him if he thought he would choose to become one in his afterlife.

That seemed to spark a new life in him though, because then we started talking about what animals he might become spiritually. Starting with raccoon, and moving through squirrel and sloth, and eventually winding our way back to raccoon.

This came with the battle cry “chitter!” Which promptly followed either the stealing of some precious object, or the hurling of light spells or leafy bits.

And it was all because of the thumbs.

Eventually a lady named Karl ( pronounced Carol) joined us, and a man named Redd.

We all enjoyed the mischief of the raccoon and his thumbs. And spoke of other possibilities for spirits, I mentioned a Howler Monkey, and it's call, which in my impression sounded like a hearty “oooo-ahh”

Karl suggested the mighty Bonobo, with the mighty “bonobo sounds”

And Redd suggested the Platypus, which actually doesn't have thumbs, but the toxic talons were close enough for us. The sound he chose was a majestic “growl-quack”

Before we knew it, we had formed a council of thumbs. Judging people with our noises and our thumbs.

Soon enough, the other folks around the fire offered Karl a mirror, and she saw herself. She had a love letter of sorts which she gave to the adventures who had succumbed to the jellyfish. .

I'm not really sure what happened after that, everyone just sort of left. I never found my glasses, they must be around here somewhere. I hope the rest of the council moved onto a better place.

I guess I'll just tend the fire until they come back.

Curban, the Scourge, Lost Soul along the river of the dead.- Who the hell do they think they are? They're not any king of mine! Coming along my river and not giving me passage or tariff on their ship. If I ever see those bastards again I will cut them down!

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Well now, that is quite the mix! I hope that the adventurers who passed through the Songs of the Abyss brought back some stories to share as well.

Why You Should Go to: Neden Monster Clean-Up

by Ethan "Jean-Baptiste" Goldman



Why I want to go:

Well you SHOULD go because you love me and want me to succeed in my ventures. But I suppose that may not be good enough for SOME of you (I’m not naming names, so long as I get my thirty signatures at least) so why else should you go?

You’re an adventurer, probably have a few years under your belt, you’ve been to hell, helped usher in the end of the world, you may have even met a god, thrown a dartboard at a knife, got shouted in the ear by Sir Sean, and even a stay in the stocks!

No one? Just me? Wow that’s embarrassing.

Point is you’ve seen it all, there is almost no wonder spectacular enough to wow you.

So do something different for a change! Why not go help a nation with lawncare! Be a difference maker. It’s not REALLY summer without a good mow-down.

Though instead of mowing down grass why not mow down the hordes of feral undead! It is the Realms after all. And while you are at it why not stab a fellow adventurer! It IS the Realms after all.

Neden’s Front Lawn, a veritable No Man’s Land of wild animals, brain slugs, and everything else you find there. We are offering valuables to the best of the best who help us?

Kill the most monsters! Have one of Neden’s mystical ribbons, guaranteed to make any item as magical as friendship! (Only valid in select Neden establishments).

Survive the end of the event! Well then have one of the even BETTER ribbons that will let you take some little Neden magic to go! (Why are there so many ribbons in Neden you ask? Well look at you with the nosy questions)

Kill the most of your friends, okay wow that’s a little messed up. Look we’ll give you some gold just don’t stab us, geez, some people.

But we got more than just violence we have… MORE VIOLENCE.

This isn’t some happy little kingdom, this is Neden's Front Lawn, some of the more unsavory monsters and lowlifes have been causing trouble, and we will pay handsomely for their capture if you are up for it. If.

We also have left a lot of things in chests along the area, if you find them they are yours, we got spare armor repairs, extra lives, all sorts of things.

Speaking of extra lives, Neden's willing to provide some old magic to help out those who help us out. If you are a mage of two or three paths you can use a 3’8 in battle. That’s a full 8 inches or more! If you don’t think eight extra inches matter, ask your girlfriend.

For you fighters or one paths we have magical INVISIBLE armor you can borrow, it's so light it's like you are wearing nothing! If you don’t think not having to wear your chainmail matters, ask your back.

This was brought to you by Baptise Butchery: for you, from you.

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