Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I Can't Even, Snowpocalypse

I Can't Even...
 by Sara "Zarine" Jessop
… Snowpocalypse

            I hear tell that a storm's a'brewin'. We only use the 'a' when something is going to be particularly bad. This storm, which the weather Gods have named "Stella", is a'comin', and she's about to drop a whole new load of that white garbage. That's right, just when we thought we were done with Winter, it returns with a vengeance just to remind us that it's not dead yet.

I desire a streetcar

            Now, I forgot all about Stella this morning and hied off to the market for some wine and fancy cheeses. What I found there was a turbulent fracas of epic proportions. Plebs were ravaging the stalls  in a crazed frenzy. Men were running amok. Two woman were playing tug-o-war with a loaf of bread. My basket was ripped from my hands and torn apart for reasons that I can't even fathom. Children were screaming. It was a mess. The impending storm had obviously driven people completely insane. One gentleman was just running around in a wet shirt screaming Stella at the sky as if he could ward the storm off somehow.

            Needless to say, I did not get my wine and fancy cheeses and had to return home empty handed looking and feeling like I was returning from war. “But Zarine, how will you ever get Effa to visit you now...” Don't worry dear reader, I will find a way, bu for now, I am just happy to have gotten out of there with my life. All of this over a snow storm? Now, perhaps it's hard for me to understand as I have servants that keep my kitchen fully stocked at all times and chefs who do all the stuff you do with food to make it palatable. Let's remember, I am not actually allowed to cook within city limits anymore.  But what are people going to do with ten loaves of bread and five gallons of milk?

            I tried to forget all about this morning's incident and go on with my life, but I could not. Curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to consult with my chef to find out what people could possibly be making with all that bread and milk. Unfortunately this angered him, he has quite the temper and apparently did not want me in his kitchen, and he directed me to the library. Did you know dear reader that there are entire books devoted to cooking? These are, quite appropriately, called 'cookbooks' and they contain all sorts of recipes. It took me quite some time but I found this in a cooking guide for young children:

  • Bread and Milk
  • Ingredients:
  • 2 thick slices white bread
  • 2 teaspoons sugar or vanilla sugar
  • 1 cup milk
  • Directions:
  • Tear the bread into rough chunks, and sprinkle with the sugar. 
  • Warm the milk and pour over the bread and sugar to serve.

Seriously? Who eats that? Poor people? 'kids, we got a special treat today, wet bread!' Gross.

            That's it. The only recipe that I could find that only used one other item besides bread and milk. I bet you wish you had purchased something else now, don't you? “But Zarine, french toast...” I hope you have a yard full of cooperative chickens, because you didn't buy eggs! And if you don't have any sugar, that wet bread is going to be quite bland. There are so many other things you could have bought, and you went with the most boring of them all. This is what happens when people panic. They do really idiotic things.

            What should you buy instead, you ask? How about eggs and sugar to start with. Then maybe some fruit, peanut butter, canned goods, whiskey, and bacon. Get a variety of things to keep you satisfied while you are cooped up for a day or two. Maybe get something to actually do other than moisten your loaf. Tavern games can be a great way to pass the time and are available to purchase from many merchants. If you have children, they are going to be annoying because that's what children do, so make sure they are going to be well entertained.

            If you are going to the market, make sure you are prepared and dress appropriately. I suggest a full suit of armor, a full compliment of weaponry, and at least four compatriots. There is strength in numbers. Remain calm.  It's chaos out there people. Try not to add to it.

            See you next Tuesday.

 Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

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