Tuesday, March 21, 2017

I Can't Even... Yuck

I Can't Even …
by Sara "Zarine" Jessop 

            Today is the first day of spring. Of course, you'll be reading this on the second day of spring, but nevertheless winter is over and springtime is here! Soon, the snow will melt and flowers will bloom, or at least that's what my gardener claims. It is time to cast of the heavy vestments of winter and don our lighter, more colorful apparel.

            Speaking of color, I suppose we must address the elephant in the room. The Order of the Peacock announced at this years Feast of the Leviathan that the spring color would be Chartreuse. “Zarine, what the bloody hell is Chartreuse,” I was immediately asked by half the room. The only ways that I can think to describe it involve either excrement and/or regurgitation, so it's easier for me to simply show you:

From the famous painter, Pantone.  I'm sure you've never heard of them.

            Now, I'm pretty sure that I have made my opinions on this decision quite clear. About one percent of the population can actually pull off this color. My guess is that the person who made this decision is one of these one percenters and the rest of us are just supposed to gad about looking ridiculous. Well I for one refuse to do it. Who are they to tell us what to do anyway? Some people who just up and decided that they were in charge of fashion in the Realms? Why are we listening to them?

            So I sat down with some fashion periodicals and color samples and started my research aimed at discrediting this entire idea, and coming up with a rival color for you all to wear, when I made an incredible discovery: There is an actual alcoholic beverage called 'Chartreuse'. My research then shifted to this mysterious liquor. Apparently the ingredients are a secret, but it's made with one hundred and thirty herbs and plants. Herbs and plants are good for us, right? It's also made by monks. Monks wouldn't steer us wrong. So I procured some bottles and recipes to see for myself just what this awful colored concoction is.

            After much taste testing the color improved tremendously in my eyes. Of course so did the comeliness of many of my clients and my overall love for the people of the Realms. Since I still think it's a completely distasteful color to wear on ones person, I think perhaps we should use it an an accessory, and what better accessory is there than a cocktail? Cocktails can make even the filthiest pleb look classy and sophisticated. In fact, after three or four of them just about everyone will look attractive.

            Since I like to be a helpful individual, I have compiled a list of cocktails suggested by the makers of Chartreuse themselves. I am legally obligated to tell you to 'please enjoy them responsibly', but what I want to say is 'accessorize with as many as possible'.

Cocktails for the fancy sort of people.

Chartreuse on the rocks: 
If you need a recipe for this, please jump off the nearest height guaranteed to eliminate you from existence.

Directly in the glass:
            Crush 8-10 fresh mint leaves
            Add 1 cl sugar cane syrup
            Add 1.5 cl lime juice
            Add 3 cl Green Chartreuse
            Fill the glass with 4 cl sparkling water
Stir well with a bar spoon
Garnish with a sprig of fresh mint

Brandy Daisy
Chilled with ice cubes:
            2 cl Green chartreuse
            4 cl Brandy
            2 cl Lime juice
Strain into a glass
Top with sparkling water

2 cl Green Chartreuse
2 cl Gin
2 cl Vermouth

refrigerate the ingredients for a few hours
choose a fancy glass
add the vermouth, the green chartreuse, and the gin in that order
pour them delicately over the back of a spoon to keep them separate and create a beautiful layered effect
Leave the cocktail for 2 minutes so that the ingredients separate out completely
Sip it slowly for the best flavor

Green Chaud
Add a teaspoon of Green Chartreuse in a mug of creamy hot chocolate

(For the uncouth among us, 'cl' are centiliters. It's a fancy way of measuring and I am sure that you can find some kind of conversion chart somewhere.)

            So there you have it folks. A variety of ways to enjoy the horrid color that we have been presented with. There are other recipes out there as well, these just happened to be my favorite in either flavor or presentation.

             As much as I am loath to admit it, this questionable color choice has lead me to this wonderful new flavor so I suppose I should thank the order of the peacock for that. You may not have made me explore new areas of fashion, but I made a remarkable discovery non-the-less.

            See you next Tuesday.

 Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

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