Thursday, March 2, 2017

What You Missed: The Subtle Thread Presents: Calibrated Questing

by Ryan "Orion" Welch 

[Editor's Note: written from an NPC perspective]

My name Thon, and I am for-man of monster union. Agent Pinky hire union to help with speshul quest and pay us with meat. Afterwerds, she ask me to rite re-port on job for extra meet. How can I say no to that? So I promise to rite.

I bring monster union to big where-house and Pinky to tell us to wait in back room. She had lots of other whyt-coat people with her. Once union is set up in back room, I go out to find Pinky to tell her union is ready to work, but I no find Pinky. Insted, I see lots of adventurers. They see me too, and ask me what I do here. I tell them I bring monster union to help. They no understand, so I tell them we hav contract with Pinky. Union come, help with quest, get payed with meat. They no seem to understand. Then Pinky come back and tell adventurers abowt cal-ee-bray-ted quest and that she hire monster union to help fight adventurers. They seem to understand that, even tho that is what I alredy told them. Perhaps they no understand my akcent. Pinky tell adventurers to get ready for quest, so I go back to tell union to get ready too. Pinky gives me book that has plans for quest. Book says first task is just warm-up, so I tell youngling-goblins to go out. Goblins do very gud job becuz they com back after and ar very happy with work.

Book say next task need lots of kobolds, so I send out all the kobolds. I send som troll brothers too, becuz they heer goblins hav gud fight and they want gud fight too. Kobolds not very clever, so they keep running out of same door. Adventurers more clever, so they just block door with lots of heavy bricks. I gess that was point of room, becuz after they build wall, other door open for them and they leev room. Whyt-coat drag back trolls becuz adventurers killed trolls very dead, but that ok becuz contract say all monsters get better after eech task. So whyt-coats make troll brothers better, and they happy becuz they get gud fight like goblins.

Book say next task need mor fighting, so I tell grown-up goblins it theyr turn to fight. Book say not tough fight this tym, so only send a few goblins and tell rest they get to go next tym because next task also not need tough fight. I wonder why Pinky hire monster union then ask for not tough fight, so I go watch. This tym the whyt-coats hav set up lots of little lights in a box and then hav lots of tables around room. Lights and tables look like science, and contract very specifically say NO SCIENCE, so I tell goblins to just kill adventurers. Adventurers try to kill goblins, but also try to put colored lights and colored plates on tables. I think this sum kind of puzzle for them, but I no care becuz is not my problem. Adventurers seem not very gud at puzzle becuz they try to put plate and light on table and they get arms blown off. Adventurers no seem to care. Finally door for adventurers open again. Maybe whyt-coats feel bad becuz adventurers so bad at puzzle, or maybe adventurers acktually solve puzzle. Probably solve, becuz whyt-coats no seem to care how gud adventurers ar.

Like I sayd, next task also no tough fight, so other group of goblins go out to fight. First group of goblins tell me they no happy becuz they no get gud fight like younglings. Trolls also no more happy becuz they think whyt-coats make them get better with science. I hav to tell them that contract say NO SCIENCE. Troll brothers say ok, but goblins still not happy. Bortra say he and other goblins no believe we get meat after work. Bortra say I lie to union. Of corse I no lie to union, so I smash Bortra head with bolder. Bortra no more say I lie. Others goblins no say I lie, too. Soon other goblins come back from fight. They say no no hav gud fight. They say adventurers try to move science things across room to science box. They even try to give science thing to Orthan. Orthan say he no take science becuz contract say NO SCIENCE. He also tell me that one tym science things near science box go boom and kill lots of adventurers, so he really really no want to take science thing. I tell him yes contract say NO SCIENCE and it ok becuz next task need tough fight. Goblins happy to heer that.

So next fight, I send the goblins out. They very ready to fight. Book say adventurers need to take things from monster side of room and bring back to they side of room. Monsters try to stop them. Seem pretty simple. I hav to stay in bak room becuz kobolds get all yippy abowt sumthing or other. Kobolds very hard to understand sumtyms. Sumthing abowt want food. I say contract for meat later but they say they want food now, so when goblins get back I go out to Agent Pinky and tell her we take union break now. She say ok becuz adventurers need break too, so she tell whyt-coats to bring out food.

During break, sum goblins come tell me that last fight was gud, but had more science things in it. I say that not ok, but befor I get chance to tell Pinky, union break over. We all go back to room and I look in book. Book say give everyone sum beeds to put in pockets so adventurers can find them after they kill us. Beeds ar small and green and smell sus-pish-us-lee like science, but I give to goblins anyway becuz I know contract say NO SCIENCE. But I take sum beeds too and go out into room to fight just in case beeds ar science. Is pretty gud fight. We kill adventurers lots. Adventurers kill monsters lots. Reelly get blood flowing.

Adventurers need beeds to fill jar or sumthing, and when they done, door open for them and they leev. Goblins very happy with gud fight and we all go back to wait room. Whyt-coat come to room and say that next room is not in book, so we can take break again. Next room hav riddels for adventurers. I ask if becuz we no fight gud enuf. Whyt coat say no, monster union fight gud and science is going gud too. I ask what science becuz I know that contract VERY SPA-SIF-ICK-LEE say NO SCIENCE. He say oh, last many rooms hav lots of science becuz Agent Tawonty Savun need to do speshul ex-peer-ee-ment.

Now, I get voted to be union for-man becuz I pretty level-hedded troll. All the monsters in union join union beuz they want stable, respektabul work. Sum monsters not so shur abowt this contract when first put to vote, but I say I make shur they treet us very gud and hole union trust me becuz they know I no lie to union ever. I always say if I lie to union, hole union can bash my skull with rocks. So when whyt-coat say sum room hav science, hole union turn to me. I very very angry at whyt-coat, but what I suppost to do? Contract say union fight lots and no do science, and whyt-coat just say union no fight and do science. But contract with pink-coat, not whyt-coat. If I bash whyt-coat skull with rock, maybe look gud to rest of union, but no solve bigger problem. So I tell whyt-coat that if they no want to follow contract, we no follow contract too. We no help with quest anymor. So I tell union to leave where-house.

I gess whyt-coat no care too much becuz many tym later diffrent whyt-coat come out of where-house and ask what monster union doing outside and why they no inside for next room. I tell whyt-coat that union on strike becuz we no fight enuf and also do science when contract said NO SCIENCE. Monster union hav deemands now if Pinky still want union help. Whyt-coat no seem happy about this, but say Pinky will hear deemands. I go back in where-house with sum kobolds to show Pinky that union mean biznus. Kobolds very gud at neg-oh-she-ate-ing if you can get them to sit still long enuf. All the adventurers also in room, which is pretty gud becuz then they see that Pinky not in gud place with union. But turns out not so ood they there becuz one of them kills my kobolds, so now I left to neg-oh-she-ate deemands all by myself. I gess Pinky reelly need union to fight becuz she give in to deemands pretty quikly.

Rest of day go pretty gud after that. We got one more big fight on little bridges to control sum lights. Then for very last part we send out the ogres to make really big fight. Ogres so tuff they laugh at little swords adventurers hav. They throw big rocks and try to smash little people. Book say adventurers try to get ogres to smash each other with rocks, but also need them to smash wall with rocks to get out of room. Adventurers very skared of ogres and run around lots, but they figure out ee-ven-chu-wha-lee. After that, adventurers go home, monsters go home, and Pinky send big cart of meat back to union meeting-house. It was a pretty gud day.

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