Tuesday, March 28, 2017

I Can't Even, Spring Fashion

I Can't Even...
 by Sara "Zarine" Jessop
… Spring Fashion

            Last week I sat down to write about spring fashion, and how you can be the envy of all of your friends without even wearing Chartreuse. Then I got sidetracked by alcohol and the article took a drastic turn. Fortunately, spring lasts all the way until summer, so I still have plenty of time to guide you towards vernal fashion perfection.

            I have been combing through all of my fashion periodicals and attending many vogue model soirees and I can tell you that this season is going to be fabulously fun. I can't even wait, dear reader, to tell you all about it, so let us jump right in!

            I hope you all have some of the spiffy sun-spectacles, because this seasons color trends are bright. Like, super bright. So replace all those dull winter duds with some intensely radiant hues. And yes, I must admit that I did see a bit of chartreuse strutting about amidst these vivid colors. And guess what, dear reader; it's still ugly. Yet the color trend this season seems to be walking quite the fine line between uncomfortably amazing and uncomfortable hideous. If you do intend to wear chartreuse, or any other extremely intense color, please tread carefully. Hold the color up to your face in the mirror. If it makes you look ill, chose a better color for your skin tone. Remember this handy rhyme: not every hue is for you.

            I often have thought that the pure sexiness of the shoulder is quite underrated. Well, no more. Bare shoulders are popping up everywhere. What's better than showing both of your shoulders? Well only showing one of course! Single shoulder cut outs and off one shoulder looks are all the rage. Leave a little something to the imagination and only show them one shoulder with this sultry and sophisticated look.

            You know what is not just for prisoners? Well... a lot of filthy things, but what I was going for was stripes! Wide stripes, pin stripes, vertical stripes, horizontal stripes, stripes of every color are in, in, in! Just remember that horizontal stripes give the illusion of more girth and less height, so most of you will want to stick to vertical ones which elongate the body and have a slimming effect.

            Have you got a sleeve that is torn right up the middle? Well never fear, sleeve slits are here! That's right plebs, with just a little bit of work you can turn those old ratty battle clothes into something fantastically current. Whether it's a small slit, or a completely opened up fabric appendage, this look is sure to sweep the realms by storm. The great thing is that you can easily repurpose some of the past seasons looks, or pay someone far less to do it for you than the cost of a whole new shirt. 

            Did your winter diet, or lack there of, make you a bit bigger around the middle than you would like? Well, luckily for you waist cinchers are once again considered haut couture. Since these are much smaller and easier to make than a full corset, they tend to be much less expensive so there is really no excuse not to have a closet full of them.  And remember, if you can still breath, it's not tight enough. “But Zarine...” No. Tighter.

            Fold over waists. What is that, you ask? It's exactly what is sounds like! Pants and skirts alike are elevated to the next level with this simple yet trendy little detail that can be done in a variety of ways.
            Long jackets. Trench coats, dusters, or whatever you wish to call them are hot right now. Though I don't know when they were ever not hot. As an added bonus, you can hide all kinds of paraphernalia in such a jacket. And they are hot. From here until summer, ladies and gentlemen wearing such jackets will receive 10% off at Alchimia Lupinaar. Hot.

            The fashion gods must have heard tell that it is now the law that all spells written upon sashes must be clearly visible, as they are now in style! Yes, that's right, you can not only stay within the law of the land, but within the laws of good fashion as well! Clearly Kiira was more fashion forward than she realized when she made sashes for Eris's true supporters at last years Queen of Hearts. And Tao has been giving trendy sashes to his dealers at the Blackwood Clontarf Casino for a few years now. Who knew Tao was such a trend setter?
            I hope that you enjoyed learning about this seasons trends. They really are quite exciting and I'm hopeful that you all employ them in a variety of enjoyable ways. Though many years in the realms have taught me not to expect too much of you, I do harbor a quiet optimism that you all are at least kind of listening to me. And I suppose your bad fashion choices are an amusement all to themselves.

            See you next Tuesday.

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.


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