Tuesday, September 20, 2016

I Can't Even, Wearing white after Folkestone Questing

I can't even....
by Lady Zarine

...believe people still wear white after Folkstone Questing.

Paladin found lurking outside Neden Lands, wearing white.

It's Autumn. I know, I know, not officially, but it's after Folkstone Questing. And while we may not know why Folkstone decided to call their annual holiday weekend 'questing', we all know that marks the unofficial end of summer. I myself decided to stay home over the holiday and go on a quest very near and dear to my heart; the quest to switch my armoire over from summer clothing to non-summer clothing. For you see, summer clothes consist of light, cool, airy colours like whites and pastels, made of lighter fabrics such as cotton and linen. Winter clothing (which covers all manner of clothes unrelated to the summer months) includes dark, warm, somber colours like browns and deep blues and reds, and are of heavier weight fabrics. Alas it had come time to put away the white and take out the dark, an arduous task that took me all of the long weekend.

I know that I will get all sorts of letters telling me all about the weekend that you brave adventurers had in “Hell”and how my weekend couldn't possibly have been as difficult. Dear reader, I am not trying to diminish the importance of... whatever it was you did, but if you think my quest was not difficult then clearly you have not seen the size of my armoire! I have had three grown men in there all at once, if you can believe it.

I made a complaint to one of my frequent clients after such a strenuous task, and do you know what they had the gall to suggest? They actually had the audacity to propose that I wear the same clothes year round! Year round!! The gentleman in question had to quickly pull out his smelling salts and revive me, for I fainted right then and there! He then explained to me that there are indeed people who do such a thing.

After much research, I am now to believe that there is a whole gaggle of souls who believe that such an important fashion rule can just be thrown to the wind. What's next, I ask? Brown clutch bags with black shoes? Skirts short enough to show ankles? Man buns? Where does the madness end!? “But Zarine,” you're thinking to yourself, “why can't people just wear whatever they want?” The answer, dear reader, is simply because you can't. If we all just ran amuck doing whatever pleased us most of us would dead. Or worse, fat. Plebs all over town, even now, are donning white linen dresses and going to market as if it's three weeks ago. I hear all manner of excuses from people when accused of this crime against fashion. “It's still warm”, “I like to be comfortable”, “I can't afford more than one dress”... None of these are valid justification for such disregard of the rules. Fashion is not meant to be either comfortable, nor practical. If you can't afford to purchase another dress right now, just hibernate until spring. Bears do it.

Now there is a colour called “winter white.” This is an off white color acceptable to wear outside of the summer months. However, gentleman should take note that you can not simply put on a dingy, soiled white shirt and claim that it is “off white.” What's “off” is your eyesight and sense of style.

Fabric found, in the deep scary collection of some crafters craft room.

Distressed, I consulted with my BFF Soft for his always ingenious fashion expertise. He sent me the following response: "I suggest wearing white whenever possible regardless of the time of year. Light and cool in the warmer months and fitting with the environment in the cooler. Not to mention you'll look absolutely smashing on night quests! Or did Sir Sean say that you would get smashed on night quests... Regardless, I highly suggest it."

Funny, that was the last time I ever spoke with Soft...

Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, and has 35 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

* armor photo found here

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