Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

… understand people who don't like pumpkin spice


            It's September, you step outside and realize you need to go back in for your fabulous cloak made of some totally endangered species from some exotic place like Teng Hua because it's actually chilly out. The leaves are starting to change. It's beginning to smell like fall. It's at this time that I begin to crave the delicious amazingness that is Pumpkin Spice.  But I learned something recently while entertaining a... well, we'll just call him a guest.. at Alchimia Lupanar. Can you believe, dear reader, that there are actually people who's taste buds are so deranged that they do not like Pumpkin Spice?



            The only logical explanation that I can come to is that they simply have not had it prepared properly. I am the most avid of Spice lovers, but even I have to admit that the sheer abundance of things labeled “Pumpkin” is becoming a tad overwhelming to the senses. If your first experience with Pumpkin is an imported “snack cake” three years expired in the Creathorne Tavern, it may put a nasty taste in your mouth. No, really, it was disgusting.


            Now, I know what you are thinking, “But Zarine, how will we know how to tell a good pumpkin product from a bad one?”. Well, you see dear reader, only bad pumpkins are ugly... wait, that's for witches, a totally different autumnal subject. To put it simply, be wary of things that should not have a spiced squashy flavor. Things that fall into this category are: meats of all kinds, protein supplements, chewing gum, tobacco products, beer, medicinals, and anything that is not edible. Every Basic Bitch knows that the best Pumpkin flavors come in things like Coffee drinks, Pies, Soups, and Whips. 
            As a Doctor licensed by magic marshals across the Realms to practice medicine, I can even recommend pumpkin for it's nutritional values! Hang onto your fancy hats Plebs, I'm about to blow your unpumkinated mind!  At 7384mg per 100g, it is one of the vegetables in the Cucurbitaceae family featuring the highest levels of vitamin A. Vitamin A is a powerful natural anti-oxidant and is required by the body for maintaining the integrity of skin and mucusa (it makes you pretty). It is also an essential vitamin for good visual sight (so you can see all the pretty people). Research studies suggest that natural foods rich in vitamin A may help human body protect against lung and oral cavity cancers (so you can keep on smoking!).
            Feastocrats, you can help contribute to the beautification of the Realms! 100g of Pumpkin provides just 26 calories and contains no saturated fats or cholesterol, and it's one of the food items recommended for cholesterol controlling and weight reduction programs. As someone who's nocturnal occupation has led me to see many an unclothed inhabitant of the realms, I can attest to the necessity of such a program. 
            There has been some inspired use of pumpkin spice previously in the Realms. Just a few years ago at the Free Nations Fall Festival, Shandar offered me some wonderful pumpkin dip served in a hallowed out pumpkin. I just reached into the gourd and scooped out the gooey goodness with my dainty ungloved hand. Shandar said something about using the provided graham crackers, but whatever. I have requested the recipe from him, but it seems it was lost when he replaced his magic recipe book. I did, however, find something that looks similar. Though the serving size seems a bit off... I highly suggest multiplying it by at least 10.

Pumpkin Spice Dip
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Serves: 18
Serving Size: 2 tablespoons
      1 container (8 ounces) whipped cream cheese
      3/4 cup (6 ounces) vanilla yogurt
      1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
      1/4 cup canned pumpkin
Beat cream cheese, yogurt, brown sugar, pumpkin, and pumpkin pie spice in medium bowl with magic whisk (electric mixer) on medium speed until blended. Cover.
      Refrigerate until ready to serve.

            If sharing a classy cocktail is more your speed, try this delicious sounding aperitif:

Pumpkin Pie Martini


  • 2 oz vanilla vodka
  • 2 oz white crème de cacao
  • ¼ cup heavy cream
  • 1.5 tablespoons of pumpkin puree (pie mix)
  • 1 dash of ground nutmeg (for garnish)
  • Powdered graham cracker (for rim)
            Rim 2 martini glasses with crushed graham cracker. Put the pumpkin puree into a cocktail shaker with a couple of ice cubes and shake it 10-15 times to break it up. Now add more ice, plus the vanilla vodka, creme de cacao and cream, and shake very, very thoroughly to break up the puree. Strain into the martini glasses. Sprinkle the ground nutmeg on top for garnish.

            And this here is my very own 'Trent Approved' recipe for a fabulous pie. Much better than those mediocre plain pies, this one is light and airy.


Pumpkin Mousse Pie


  • 1 small can (15oz) pumpkin pie filling
  • 1 pkg soft (8oz) Philly cream cheese
  • 1 large tub Cool Whip
  • 1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
  • 2 deep 9" graham cracker pie crusts
  • cinnamon (to sprinkle on top)
  • Ready Whip (for serving)

Combine pumpkin, cream cheese, and spice in magic whisk (mixer) until well blended. Fold into Cool Whip gently, so that it stays fluffy.
Spoon into pie shells. Crust should be well filled.
Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour.
To serve, top with Ready Whip and a light sprinkling of cinnamon so that it looks amazing.

            Dear reader, do me a flavor and try these delicious things. You may think you do not like Pumpkin, but the ability to embrace the spice is within all of us. Deep inside all of us is that basic bitch that just wants to wear warm hooded cloaks, boots with the fur, and sip on a Pumpkin Spice Latte while watching OotL competitors duke it out for all the glory.


  Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, and has 35 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.

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