Thursday, November 10, 2016

Ask Syruss



Dear Syruss, 

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a lowly adventurer, watching other people make things happen while I stand by. How can I fix this problem and gain power and influence like so many of the leaders in the Realms today? You're the prefect guy to help me, seeing as how you're kind of a Big Deal. Surely there must be something I can do to obtain this type of status for myself? Please help! 

Signed, 

Invisible in the Back


Photo credit: Jesse Gifford

Dear Invisible in Black,

I am a big deal, thanks for noticing, I was starting to worry I have gotten stale or needed to flood a village, run a bake sale, save an orphanage or something like that….

Anyway, so you want to be a mover and a shaker….NO PROBLEM….

You can always move things, it's super easy and I often recommend doing it as much as you can, especially things that look important and you know others might need. Ritual components easily accessible in the pantry, BOOM not anymore, we threw them in the well. The magic sword lodged in the stone all these years is needed to slay the litch you say? I’ll get it, what, whoops, no I won’t, Invisible in Black moved it. Life-saving medicine required to un-poison the reservoir the Z just poisoned? It is in the ….KABOOM…. MOVED IT.

You see, if you move all the important stuff then you are the only one who has the answers...WELL BABY, PEOPLE NEED TO LISTEN TO YOU.

That’s right, you are in the know and they are all left scratching their heads like **waaaaaaa*** “But I knew I left the magic shield here somewhere, maybe I.i.B knows where it is!!!” and kablow, you will, because you put it there.

Now to be a shaker you are going to need some sort of time spell or…..hmmm.. Try shaking the answers out of people, Yeah, yeah, yeah that seems right. Do you know any Seers or have you ever thought of becoming one yourself? Well if you don’t want the abilities to pierce the veil of time, scry on your sleeping crushes, or the ability to spidey-sense danger right before is squishes you like said spidey, well no worries.. You actually don’t need to go through all that painstaking spell memorization or countless sleepless nights because of horrific futures yet to be - you just find someone who has already done all that for you…and then shake 'em.

Now once you have shaken out all useful information from your buddies in addition to hiding all necessarily things the heroes need to save the day - you have singlehandedly just become one of the most important people in the area, if also not the most hated……But hey, no publicity is bad publicity, right?

Other things you can try, to get involved:

• Vow to avenge the fanciest-looking villager seeking help
• Drink everything drinkable you see, always
• Always jump into the pits
• Sign mysterious books that are left there to let the realms know you visited and had a good time
• Don’t be so judgey and agree to help everyone: not just the villagers but the trolls, the wood elves, the 8ft firemancer that's burning things (hey, he can’t burn all the things himself)
• Recruit people with like-minded views to help you spread your vision of love and happiness or whatever it is you call chopping people up into small bits
• Always make deals in blood
• Always pay your debts
• Always trust the Zula-looking villager
• Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
• Don’t believe everything you read
• Always tip 20%

These things are more than guaranteed to give you 100% more involvement. Also keep in mind, if these things don’t work and you’re still invisible...well guess what friend-o, BEING INVISIBLE IS FREAKIN AWESOME, you can sneak into all the coolest places…..

I hope this helps, sorry if it doesn’t and remember, it is like Sir Lord Nymbous O’Leary always says: “Listen Syruss, some places are like people: some shine and some don't. And don’t scry on me between the hours of 1am and 2am, them's the lords hours.”

Love Always,

 Sir Syruss O’Leary

Knight of the Blue Rose
Knight of the Potentium
Love Guru
Cracker-Jack Detective
All and all everyone's pal

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