Tuesday, November 22, 2016

I Can't Even...

I Can't Even...
by Sara "Zarine" Jessop


            Today marks the beginning of our annual week of Thankfulness. Every year at this time everyone begins thinking of all the things in life that they should be thankful for. The argument board is full of posts like “Thankfulness Day 1: I'm so thankful for my wonderful family...blah blah blah.”. Unrealistic pictures of turkeys adorn the world. I mean, have you ever seen a real live turkey? They are uglier than an orc's arse. People cook and consume great big meals of said turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and various squashes and that wet bread people call stuffing, when judging by their ever expanding waistline what they really should have eaten was a salad.

            You see, dear reader, positivity isn't really my thing. I'm more of a pessimist. Some may even call me whiny, bitchy, annoying... or whatever. But I like to think of myself as a realist, and realistically, most things are terrible. But in the spirit of the holiday, I too shall try to reflect of the things for which I am thankful and be a bit more positive this week.

            Here we go...

            Clothing. Not only are there so many wonderful pieces of clothing to mix and match and twirl in front of the mirror in, but clothing also covers up most of the ugly parts of all you filthy plebs. Which reminds me that I need to write an article about masks....

            Hats. Just awesome, no further explanation needed.

            Fermentation. Without it we wouldn't have alcohol. Without alcohol I don't know how I would deal with the general populace on a daily basis.

            Gold. Someone once asked me what god I worshiped. Apparently “the almighty gold piece” wasn't an acceptable answer. But I am nothing if not honest, and I truly do it for the money. “Do what” you ask? Wouldn't you like to know! Bring lots of gold to Alchimia Lupanar and you might just find out.

            The Order of the Spoon. They cook so I don't have to. We should all be thankful for that.
Can has Spoons?
            Pumpkins. Squashes of all kinds really. So much delicious.

            Musicians. I love music. I love dancing. Sometimes I love musicians backstage after the show. They have the best smoking materials... If you're into that sort of thing.

            Men. They have so many uses to be thankful for, I don't possible have time to list them all. Some of my favorite uses are lifting and moving heavy things, buying stuff, and stuffing the turkey, if you know what I mean.

            Family. Yes, I am going to go to that sappy place. I am truly thankful for my family. And not my “real” family, I don't even have one of those. One advantage to being raised by pirates is that they don't really expect you to invite them over for dinner or call them on their birthdays. So I guess I'm grateful that my mother sold me to them, really. Otherwise I'd be subject to those awkward gatherings with people you didn't actually choose to spend time with. No, dear reader, I am speaking of the family that I chose. My countrymen. My close friends who have done more for me than my blood “family” ever did.

            I have more to be thankful for than I realized. Even though I spend much of my time complaining about things, there really are a lot of things that I am grateful for. I am never going to be one of those people who see the good in everything. I'm not suddenly going to become a beacon of positivity and good cheer. I'm always going to be a critical, cynical bitch. But this week we should all take the time to think about the things that we have in our lives that are good. And just this week, you can even have a pass from me for posting them on the Argument Board. Don't worry, no one actually reads what you post there anyways.

            See you next Tuesday.

 Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, and has 35 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.


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