I Can't Even

I Can't Even...

By,

Sara 'Zarine' Jessop

… Stanky

Now that warm weather is finally upon us it is time to talk about something very important: You all's nasty smelling selves. Whether it's a balmy day full of tournaments or a sweltering day of adventuring through the woods saving some village we've never heard of before and never will again, your body will produce a foul stench brought forth by your strenuous activities.

They have invented a wonderful product for just such an occasion, and all other occasions as well, called Deodorant. It does exactly what its name says: removes offending odors. Often times this is combined with an antiperspirant, also doing exactly what its name would imply: preventing perspiration. You can both prevent sweat and stanky smells? What will they come out with next, you might be wondering. Well, hold onto your facinators, cavaliers, and fedoras, plebs; because wait, there's more!

Soap. Soap is a wonderful thing. It rids your body of all the dirt that it has collected throughout the day. And yes, it should be used daily and not weekly like we are some uncouth street urchins. In fact, some uncouth street urchins bath with more regularity than some of you appear to, which is quite sad. Those street urchins are going to grow up to be successful, great smelling entrepreneurs and you'll still be living in a carriage down by the river. So wash yourself regularly.

Perfumes. Perfumes can be a great addition to your scent repertoire. I am going to tell you a little secret about perfumes, however. They don't cover up the smell of Tourney Stank. Or Adventuring Stank. Or Slept In The Creathorne Tavern Stank. They just add a new smell on top of it. Ever hear of Shitrus? The combined smell of your citrus air freshener and whatever just came out of you in the bathroom? Yeah, that's what you''ll succeed in making yourself smell like if you pour a bottle of cologne over your putridly odoriferous self. And pro-tip: If you can smell your own perfume, you used too much.

“But Zarine, my natural scent is delectable...” Ew, no. Just... no. Your 'natural scent' makes me want to vomit up my own delectable breakfast. Trust me, I work very very closely with people and things often get quite sweaty. I'm pretty persnickety about who I consort with and will refuse service to foul smelling suitors. Yet some people do not have 'resting stank bod' and only produce noxious fumes when introduced to physical activity. No one wants 'surprise stank'. No one. When someone says they want to be gagged, that is one hundred percent not what they mean. 

Fart Squirrel strikes again with smelly adorableness 

Washing oneself is not a difficult concept. Seriously. Neither is applying some deodorant and an appropriate amount of perfume to assure that you will continue to smell pleasant throughout the day. Of course it's understandable that at the end of a particularly strenuous day that you'll not smell your best. None of us will. But there are steps to take to not smell your worst either. If you're going to be away from sanitary facilities for a weekend you can bring soaps, deodorant, and perfume with you. You can also bring a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash for your foul mouth. Baby wipes make an excellent field bath if used on your whole body and can leave you feeling quite refreshed. They are meant to clean a baby's poopy posterior, so they are quite heavy duty and can certainly clean a little dirt and sweat from your personage.

Please, for the benefit of us all, follow this advice. I promise that I will look more kindly upon your other transgressions if only you don't smell like you spent the night smearing feces on the walls of a latrine. Stop the stankiness. Start the fragrant bouquet of cleanliness.

See you next Tuesday.


Zarine is the proprietor and Madam at Alchimia Lupanar, a magic marshal approved practitioner of medicine, an award winning author, and has 36 years of experience in giving her unsolicited opinion.